Cheating : What is costs. What is destroys.

[trywait]

I know it might not mean much but we're here for you.

the wound is still fresh...but if you need to reach out, don't hesitate!

hang in there!

you will survive this storm!

[Camfer]

Damn Virge sorry that happened. But better to have it happen now than later. Hugs to you.

[TwisttheLeaf]

I am so fucking sorry this happened to you man.

I would venture to guess that a huge part of the appeal for you, sexually and otherwise, was that trust and security you felt. I can't answer if he'll be able to earn it back or not, although.... if he does I doubt it will ever be as wholehearted as the original version was.

Like Darius, this brings into question if he was ever faithful, at least... it would for me. If he'd so easily tumble someone into bed so soon after you two are together, what has he been doing all this time you were apart?

[Gideon]

Dude that's just...fucked up. I'm really sorry man, you deserve so much better than that. And you know that you deserve better, so I'm not really telling you anything here.

Stay strong, man. Time heals all wounds, it'll heal this one too.

[Iceblink]

I am very sorry this happened to you. You have been emotionally bludgeoned and I wish I had some magic words to say that would make you feel better, but I don't. Only the distance in time from this incident will make some of the pain go away. Some relationships do not survive this type of dishonesty, but some do. You've already acknowledge things will not be same. They can't be. We can't wipe our brains clean of memories and so it will always be there, even if with time it is not out there in the forefront. Too bad he is not here to see this because it is something he probably needs to acknowledge as much as, if not more than you.

Here's an virtual {hug} and a pat on the back, Virge. It's not much, just a little something to know you've got some support from me and some others here.

[Dreamer]

A broken heart takes time to mend, but by your own doing, not the perpetrator. A burned bridge is so for good reason. Pick up any strength remaining, move one, and don't look back. Once a pig, always a pig. My condolences.

[Virge]

Wow! I made it to Sioux Falls before the first Gawd-awful Spring wind storm of the year rolled in. I'm pulling an empty 24 ft empty trailer that was ready to flip over before I got off the interstate. I'm going to stick it out for the night here in a crappy hotel.

I really don't want you guys being angry towards Jay because it makes me feel I have to defend him. He knows he messed up. He's been trying his best to find ways to make up for it. He's as hurt about it (or maybe more) than I am. He's being beat up about it every direction he turns. The worst is from his own mother. When Jay's parents were here in late Feb she and I had a pretty emotional and long heart to heart. She really had some strong reservations about her son really being ready for a commitment first to me and then in about 5-7 years, to having kids. I assured her everything was going to be fine. I made sure it wasn't me that had to inform his mother and grandmother. They have been unmerciful to him.

I'm not ruling out the two of us working things out but if we do it's so far off in the future I can't see it yet. I'm past the point of letting the hurt eat me up from the inside. I'll come out and admit that I've been feeling lonely and vulnerable but I didn't go out looking to get layed in retaliation - out of payback. Wednesday I got into a long long talk with a guy who I've always been interested in but never pursued it and things happened for the first time for us. But the only reason they did was because he wanted to make it real clear that if things don't work out between me and Jay he wants the two of us to >Possibly< try to make something happen. I'm not in a frame of mind to deal with that right now and he understands that.

Now to answer some things.....

You have no idea how much I wanted this to work out for you. I'm very sorry he felt the need to cheat on you, what the hell was this idiot thinking? What does he have to say for himself?

He's feeling real real real bad about it. He has wanted to talk in depth to me about it but I put a stop to that because all it will take is him saying the wrong thing and I will blow up. He's a fuckin psychologist and needs to go talk to one before he begins unloading on me. I'm not going to get bogged down in all that microanalysis of libidos and subconscious inner problems. I'm strictly a nuts and bolts guy. I make things work and do my best not to get sucked into metaphysical bullshit.

omg. I am crushed by this.
I am so upset that you are in such pain, Boo Boo.
Talk to me. I think I can help.

I'm in the process of getting past the pain and not taking on any extra. I'm doing my best not to dwell on it, not to let myself ask too many questions about suspicions that have popped up since the big fuck up. I'm definitely not out to hurt him back so I'm not going to be letting him know if or when I happen to be seeing anyone and I definitely won't be bringing anyone around him. Really the only thing I can think of that others can do to help me is just stay steady. I'm the one in the state of transition right now and it's nice to have some people in my life who aren't going through crazy shit. Help me step out of this and get it off my mind.

We all have our boundaries that shouldn't be crossed. He knew of yours and crossed them anyway. I'm sorry this happened to you.
Lex

Yep. He knew and it's eating him up now. He's screwed up in more ways than imagined. He's going to have to back up and start over on the entire process of getting a permanent visa now. He has to start shopping for his own car and insurance pretty soon. He doesn't have to move out any time real soon but it's been made real clear that he'll be in the way after June 1st when we open up the Bed and Breakfast June 3rd. He may move back home which will mean he's giving up on trying to put our relationship back together. I've already accepted that and won't lose a minute's sleep over it.

no words can make you feel better right now Virge. but i feel for you. it's just utterly shitty what happened. it's even more difficult to understand how this happened so shortly after he moved in with you.

You are real close to bringing up questions I'm not ever going to ask about. It's not that I don't want to know. It's better that I don't know. Let's leave it at that.

Damn Virge. This sucks big time. You deserved to be treated much better than this, and the fact that he couldn't see that speaks volumes about him. Be strong, my friend, and don't break your resolve. He deserves nothing from you now.

Yeah it does speak louder about him that I wanted to hear. All I have for him now is courtesy and respectful distance.

I would venture to guess that a huge part of the appeal for you, sexually and otherwise, was that trust and security you felt. I can't answer if he'll be able to earn it back or not, although.... if he does I doubt it will ever be as wholehearted as the original version was. Like Darius, this brings into question if he was ever faithful, at least... it would for me. If he'd so easily tumble someone into bed so soon after you two are together, what has he been doing all this time you were apart?

You are right about the trust and security being like 99.9% of the appeal. Now that form of intimacy is gone for me there's no desire for the physical intimacy. Back months ago I wrote on some threads about my attraction not being so much to "men" but the "friendship bonds" with men. I've just never been able to do the nameless hook up routine.


As for What [MENTION=18508]East[/MENTION] wrote. Yeah I know the law of averages are way against truly monogamous relationships. But I never see me being comfortable going out strictly to meet a guy in 45 minutes and hook up. It's not that I'm expecting monogamy out of it all. It's just that if there's no chemistry there's no attraction. I thrive on the prelude.

Now I'm going to make me a big drink and kick back, catch some winks and wait for these winds to calm down so I can get back on the road.

Later.

V

[Borg69]

I'm sorry Virge... I've been there more times than i care to admit, and the betrayal is never easy. Even in the depths of my bitterness I still cling to the Disney princess fantasy of happily ever after. You might work it out, or he could be a stepping stone in your path to find your real Mr. Right. Don't let this experience ruin you to relationships.

[CellarDweller]

I really don't want you guys being angry towards Jay because it makes me feel I have to defend him. He knows he messed up.

We really don't know him, only what you've posted, so in the end, it doesn't matter what we think or feel about him. It's what you think and feel about him that matters.

It's also not important for you to defend him. Right now, you need to take care of you, defending him should be the last thing on your mind.

[verysimple]

This just makes me speechless! It devastates me to hear this but he doesn't deserve anything coming from you. You deserve and can do so much better than him! I assure you that.

Hold on honey, Hang in there! Hopefully something will work out and you'll get something out of this and see a rainbow after you're rainy day.