Is it fair to pay half of my boyfriends mortgage?

[Zurdoknoc]

I am in a 3 year relationship with a man who is 18 years older than me. I live in his condo and there have been a few times where he has asked me to pay half of the mortgage of his place. I don't think it's fair to do that and when I say that he gets mad at me and starts picking on me for little things. I pay him $500 rent every month and I pay for the satellite TV ($100) and also for the telephone landline ($30) and we share the dog expenses and the food expenses. He pays for the Internet ($30) , digital TV ($7) and the gas bill ($12). We share the electric bill.
Lastnight we got into an argument because he insist I should pay half of his mortgage which I am totally against that. The condo is under his name and under s trust for his 2 kids. I mentioned to him that if he wants me to pay for half of his mortgage he has to put my name in the title because it's just fair. Splitting the bills is one thing and I agree with that. Paying for half of a property which won't be mine is just not right. I mentioned to him "ok let's split all the bills, whch means you will have to pay half of the bills im currently paying for the house also" he responded "cancel all that, I am not paying those bills"

Please advice or comment what do you think about this situation. I will appreciate all constructive criticism and advice
Thanks

[Darius]

Why should you pay half a mortgage, half a car loan or half anything if you don't legally own half of it?

What would be the fair market rent for you to pay if you were just a tenant?

[Zurdoknoc]

I aggre with h you and that's my point and he doesn't get it. He used to rent his loft for half his mortgage with utilities included but, big diference im not a roommate. A roommate doesn't have to pay for food, dog expenses or even furniture. I don't care what he thinks , I would never pay for half of something I won't own. He needs t realize that and stop being that way

[MikeW]

This looks like one of those on-going arguments that isn't about what it portends to be about.

For sure, I'd say, "As soon as we're married and my name is on the mortgage as half owner, I'd be happy to pay half... until then..." But what I'd *really* like to know is WHAT IS THIS ALL ABOUT FOR HIM *REALLY*. Is it a financial issue? Is he having difficulty meeting the mortgage every month? Is it a control issue? Is it a partnership issue, (as in, "If you were really my partner you'd want to help me shoulder this responsibility..."). Or what, exactly, IS the issue here?

[Bowyn Aerrow]

1. You two know how to talk to each other, but I think you fail to understand how to communicate.

Communication is harder than talking. One trick which should be used by couples is the formula of:

I feel X when Y happens and would like Z to make me feel better.

X is whatever you are feeling, Y is the issue that causes this feeling and Z is your THEORETICAL expectation of what it will take to make you feel better.

Theoretical and actual are two different things here. Humans tend to demand more than they need to be happy or satisfied.

2. From the way you wrote your post, it sounds like he made a demand without explanation, and you responded in anger with what you thing is the rational expectation.

The issue is he needs to explain to you why he thinks or feels that you need to pay have the mortgage without judgement or demanding, and you need to really listen to what he said and then tell him why his reasons don't strike you as 'right'.

Then you two need to sit down, list all of these 'reasons' with your side of that issue and his side of that issue and then agree to negotiate to find a working compromise which may not give either one of you complete satisfaction, but will allow both of you to come away with something while giving something so the issue doesn't become a huge resentment.

If one or both of you flat refuse to negotiate and find a middle ground, this will end like it ends for any nation where negotiations and peace treaties can't be reached. War.

If you two can't do this by yourself I strongly urge you to see a couples counselor and have a third party mediator who is trained to be impartial to not only help you two find a working middle ground here, but also train you BOTH how to effectively communicate without pushing the buttons of your other have.

[Iceblink]

From his point of view you are living there and believes you should pay half. The problem with his thinking is that he will reap the benefit of any increased value in the property. You will not. If something were unfortunate to happen to him, unless he has put you in his will, you would be forced to move out because the condo would go to a relative. If something were to happen to you, he will keep on living there. Even if the home were to go you, not being married, you would have to pay a hefty tax that inheriting spouses do not. Now, he definitely should be expecting you to pay him something to live there, but the way it is now you are paying half of something you do not get half the benefits from. It is kind of odd, but paying the same amount means different under different circumstances. In his mind you two are setting up house and playing like you're married and so you should pay half, but he is actually making out better with you paying half and so it is like you are a roommate. If he likes it, then he should put a ring on it.

[Zurdoknoc]

Its not like The way you are putting it. I did not respond with anger at all. And he wants to do it because he has been burnt out in the past and left without nothing. He has a trust for his house under his kids name. I have no right or power about that. He is the type of man whom won't work out a solution to get an equal equal solution. He only wants his own wellness. I have planed trips. He won't go because "he can't get time off" he as planed his own trips abs then he can get time off...then ITs my problem to Get time off or "u going with our without you"
I told him to split the bills I pay and he just bailed : "Cancell your bills ". So in other words your equation X-Y-Z does not work at all in this situation. Would you pay for your neighbor mortgage without you being on the title? Think about it then answer

[Darius]

Would you pay for your neighbor mortgage without you being on the title? Think about it then answer

Is he just a neighbor or am I fucking him, too?

[LJay]

Approaching it from an amount that would be market rent for you half is more realistic.Then you could split the monthly expenses. He should be responsible for his own mortgage unless he wants the contract rewritten.

You might also consider getting a place on your own.

[TwisttheLeaf]

If someone asked me to pay half their mortgage? I'd be demanding to be on the title as 50% owner.

And if I was with someone who when he gets mad at me, he "starts picking on me for little things", I wouldn't be with him for very long... whether we'd been together five days, or five years. I don't put up with that shit, and IMO? Neither should you or anyone else. It's abusive and bullying.