I lost a friend - vent

[yousir]

Unfortunately not all are immediately able to find the strength in themselves to change something that is damaging. Hence why people stay in abusive domestic relationships. Comfort through familiarity, love for some version of the person, fear of standing one's own ground, fearing of losing that person who you partly love some version of. And these actions make us make wrong choices. Wrong for ourselves.

It helps to empathise with the individual. Facilitating them through their feelings and thoughts so that change can occur. When someone is in a tough time and suffering pain, judgement hinders.

[Rareboy]

Let me be blunt here.

He wasn't a good friend....or a friend at all. Friends love you for all that you are and not in spite of what you are.

Miss him? Give your head a shake. If you have spent the last 27 years knowing that this man would hate you if he knew the real you....without either trying to change his mind or to share the truth about yourself with him....he is at most an acquaintance who you share some common interests with.

Do you actually feel that bas about 'losing' him as a friend...or because he found out who you really are?

In any case, move on. There are many people out there who could be true friends.

[kjames]

You have to move on and set your expectations higher on the love and support that surround you everyday. Sure, this person that you were close to when you were "pretending" to be someone else is not there for you now because you are no longer that person "pretending" anymore.

[VirgoMasquerade]

I don't believe its you're fault for not being open about your sexuality to you're friend. Sometimes you have to do things to keep yourself save from harm and in this case i believe that was you're only choice. I know its hard for you to move past this guy but remember there is always light at the end of the tunnel you will be ok in the end No good will come to that guy... When you put negative things in ones life it comes back to get ya

[Iceblink]

I've never thought that not telling about your sexuality counts as lying to everyone. Homosexuality is acceptable in my country but I never wanted to come out. Why shoyld I? Except for him no one else will find out about this, at least not from me.

This is the kind of thing those in the closet, those living with shame, those living in fear tell themselves. It is not uncommon for those in the closet to say things like this. You cannot tell me that with a friend of 27 years that the subject of marriage, love, dating, and sex has not come up in conversation and that sometimes the focus of these topics was from a personal viewpoint and how it related to you. You can try to change the subject, you can try to gloss over it, maybe you've even related what you had to say with feminine pronouns in place of masculine, but no matter how you might try to rationalize, it is not being honest. If you altering your behavior and censoring your discussions with your friends and family, you are not be truthful with them.

So if you really have to ask about coming out "Why should I?" Well, maybe it is so you do not find yourself in this exact situation that caused you to make this thread.

It is for almost sure that this former buddy of yours will, if he has not already, tell other people. You are very likely coming out right now, not on your terms, but on the terms of a person who is very mean spirited towards gay people. Hopefully you do not have mutual friends. Hopefully this does not get back to other friends and family through the grapevine.

[Pyromancer]

I have a hard time understanding why you were friends with him in the first place. I wouldn't be able to get past him talking about other gay people the way he does.

In this instance though...I kinda understand his POV. You DID betray him....you deceived him. You knew he hated gay people and you pretended to be someone else in order to be friends with him.

If he had known who you were you would have never been friends. When relationships are based on lies...it never ends well....

There are no kumbaya moments here. I wish I could say I am sorry that you lost your friend...but I am not really.

What I am sorry about....I am sorry that there is so much hate in the world and I am sorry that you have to experience it.....I wish no one had to ever experience it.

I'm about to go off topic a bit, and I apologize for that...but [MENTION=18508]East[/MENTION], this post provided me with what Oprah calls an "AHA moment".

In brief...I was very concerned about Kev (my BF) coming out at work ...because even though the administration preaches diversity and has a lot of anti-discrimination rules and regs, the atmosphere among the rank and file is ugly...filled with bigotry and homophobia. He has only 3 1/2 years til he'll have his 20 years and can retire with full benefits and I wanted him to let things ride, but he refused. He said that he needed for his life and our relationship to be authentic in every way and that he refused to hide from anyone.

I honestly didn't get it, but now I do. Thank you..

[JohnSomebody]

I remember hanging out with a guy whom I knew was straight and he assumed I was as well...however...the little community that I live in is very gay friendly and he was a guy that spoke very negative about gay people as a whole and he did it all the time. Initially when he started speaking like this around me...I thought that it was a trap method of his that possibly he may heard that I was a gay man and wanted to find out for himself. Nonetheless...I knew he lived in the community much longer than myself and therefore...I figured for him to still live in the community that he was acceptable of gay people altogether. So...instead of revealing my orientation to him...I was moving away and I decided that was the time to move on and let go of him being around me. When he would question me about my new whereabouts...I would respond that I needed time to myself especially since my partner had passed away not that long prior to that and I just did not need his kind of drama around me. However, to this day...I still believe he had heard rumors about my sexual orientation because there were some "very shady" gay guys in the neighborhood that liked to gossip and yet...he wanted to see if I would admit to him that I was. I guess in other words...don't beat yourself up for what has happened between you and this guy because I do believe eventually ...that friendship would have came to an end due to the fact that the day would have arrived where you may had reached your breaking point from all of his homophobic slurs and you would probably tell him in anger or you may just decided to put a distance between you at a certain point. Therefore...what has happened now could very well be a blessing in disguise for you.

[Lexington]

I've never thought that not telling about your sexuality counts as lying to everyone. Homosexuality is acceptable in my country but I never wanted to come out. Why shoyld I? Except for him no one else will find out about this, at least not from me.

Coming out isn't a flag-waving moment for most of us. Most of us didn't take a turn on the soapbox to make an announcement to the world, and trade in our "manly clothes" for something more fabulous. (But if you want to, go for it.) We simply decided we weren't going to live the lie anymore.

Why would we do this? Well, for one thing, when my friends see me kissing a guy, none of them freak out about it. You know, because they know I'm gay. It means I can talk about my relationships and love life on the same level as my straight friends. Not necessarily "I'm a top", but "I'm seeing this guy now" or "my boyfriend and I are having this issue..." We can just live our lives without having to try to separate one aspect of it from the other.

It's very common for closeted people to feel that "it's nobody's business" and whatnot. And if you REALLY want to, no, there's no reason to come out. But consider - you probably don't do this for other aspects of your life. If a friend asks you "how was work?", you wouldn't say "that's none of your business - I keep that separate from my private life". If a co-worker says "how was your weekend?", you wouldn't get offended. So I don't see any reason to cordon off that aspect of my life, either. No, I tend not to get into the details (any more than my straight friends do), but that doesn't mean I have to lie about it, either.

Lex

[BlueStar]

I saw no friend over there, so who the hell have you lost?

You should be grateful you don't have him in your life anymore. How I wish I could get rid of so much homophobic friends in my entourage...

Still, your pain isn't easy, but you deserve far better friends, the ones who don't give a damn about your private life. Just be patient, or look around you more carefully. These beautiful people do exist, you just have to look for them.