Taking the condom off: my situation and barebacking

[MoonLemon]

Hey GaySpeak! It's been a while. I'm really happy I looked at you again.

So here’s the quick backstory. I met this wonderful boy in January in my linguistics class, we started going out in March, and now its been about three months. We are extremely similar people, we get along really well and have been great at communicating through problems (We’re on opposite sides of the country for the summer because of internships, and we’ve been very good at bringing up insecurities, talking about our feelings, and doing our best to care for the other person’s needs). All of my friends like him, my parents like him and say he reminds them of me, and we both have the same feelings for each other. We’re both in this for the long run as it stands right now. I feel like he gives me a space to be me.

Sex: We’re really sexually compatible. He has shown me so much about my sexuality and what I enjoy. He is always extremely cautious to make sure that I know I am loved and cared for, and that I know how important consent is in everything we do. And hell, the sex is AMAZING. Even now, just doing stuff online, its wonderful.

So here’s the issue. It’s coming to that time where we’re talking about taking the condom off. We have both been very open about our sexual histories from the very beginning. He’s barebacked with past boys(in the confines of a committed relationship after confirmation that everyone was clean), I have not. I think it can be a super cool bonding experience and something that will feel great, but I have reconciled if its worth the risk, yet. I’ve never HAD it before, so it’s not like I know what I’m missing. When we get back in September,we will will have been going out for about 5 and a half months.

The general plan is that we will get STD panels done over the summer (it will have been more than 6 months for both of us since we’ve had sex with anyone else, so the tests should be accurate). He got a full panel done a year ago, but I’ve never got my full panel done (just some HIV quick tests).

I do know for a fact he had genital warts on his butt like three years ago. That concern there is that HPV really doesn’t go away, and thats a legitimate concern. I would bite the bullet if it were just some one time warts, but getting HPV puts you at an increased rate for anal cancer. We’ve been having unprotected oral sex, and chances are he’s already given it to me in some form.

Next comes the concerns of cheating after the fact. In the beginning of our relationship he did slip up and dirty chat and jack off with some old kink buddy he had (strictly online). He told me right away, and that was very troubling to me for a long time. Is there a chance he might do something like that again? yes, of course. I think he’s learned his lesson, and at this point I trust him. I also trust him to tell me, because he would get very guilty. I am VERY confident this would be restricted to online things, and I know he would never actually have sex with someone else in person, which is really the only concern when it comes to my health and STD’s. I’m 100% going to have a long talk beforehand. I’m going to say something along these lines: “I don’t think either of us are going to mess up, but if one of us does, its our responsibility to tell the other right away. Not because of the fact we are in a monogamous relationship, but because our sexual healths are more linked now and we would be putting in each other in danger.”

Neither of us like parties and the normal places where temptation lies, either. We are still very sexual with each other over the temporary distance. Is it a good idea to take the condom off if we are both STD free? I really think this one is going to go a long way, and everyone else around us thinks so too. Before we went out, I asked around school about him. Everyone’s response was “He is one of the nicest people I have ever met, and he’s a great guy.” We both want the same things, and I think this is a step in the relationship that is going to happen eventually either way. I am also 100% sure that if I said “hey, can we keep using condoms” he would respect that. Thoughts? Precautions? Thanks guys!

[LONDONER]

Short and sweet. Leave it on. It's always better safe than sorry,

[East]

I have to agree with Londoner..leave it on.....

You don't want to know what you are missing...trust me...it will be hard to go back....

[Bhp91126]

You sound like a responsible, educated young man, and I like your attitude regarding communication in a relationship. You also have all summer to mull over what to do about condoms, how you feel about it and to suss him out how important it is to him. When the summer is over,
you are back together,
everything is as it was this spring,
the STD screenings are ok,
you want to
AND your gut tells you that it's ok, I say to go for it.

However, remember that you can always insist on going back to condoms.

He has been in relationships before where he stopped using condoms without getting HIV (depending on the screening) which I translate as him being responsible and trustworthy.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Two and half years into my last relationship my ex tested positive for HIV. HE told me that his doctor said that it was very possible for HIV to be undetected for years....

To shorten the story, about 12 years later I discovered that he had been having random hook=ups with about ten guys a year - for at least those 12 years.

So yeah, there is what the guy says, then there is what the guy really does. Not saying your BF is lying to you - but can you be certain he is telling the truth?

really certain?

Are you that sure?

Sure enough to stake your health and life on it?

Hmmmmm

[Camfer]

I think it's too early in two ways.

1: It's too early in the relationship because you have been going out just since March and are not even in the same city at the moment. I'd say it's worth looking at that again in a year or two.

2: It's too early in your life path. There are so many changes that are going to happen in your 20s. Things may be going great in your 2-3 month relationship. Who knows how each of you will change in the next ten years. You think you know him and know yourself. Trust me, you really do not fully know him or yourself. You can't know yourself fully at 19 because you will mature so much in the next 10 years.

Now, however, there's another option. Since condoms are basically used to prevent HIV infection, you could research going on PrEP. It is another possible means to prevent HIV.

http://men.prepfacts.org/the-basics/

I say stick with the condoms and talk to a doctor about all of this.

[Eromir]

I'd advise against it. You can never be completely sure about what your lover is doing behind your back and STDs are no fun and can ruin your life.
... having said that, I don't use a condom with my partner. I'm pretty sure that he will never cheat on me for a variety of reasons. It's not just because it's cool or more fun, but my partner has some issues that make it very hard for him to wear a condom and have sex.
This is something only you can decide and you should do it only if there is absolutely no doubt in your mind. If you think you are, think it over again.