Is It normal...or wierd?

[meridannight]

if i run into guys from my high school/childhood, i wouldn't have a problem exchanging the how-have-you-been-and-what-you're-up-to's with them. there were some decent people when i was growing up and we shared some good times. i wouldn't deliberately look them up, i have parted ways with each one of them, but i don't really feel such reluctance in regard to the chance of meeting them. only a couple of them i deliberately cut all connection and communication with, and those are nonexistent entities to me.

also, i am not on ''Wastebook''. that is not real interaction. i am only talking about real flesh and blood scenarios here.

[SilverBullet]

Personally when I find a difficult obstacle to overcome I usually get to a place im comfortable in, prepare myself and jump.
I have always found no matter what I do I have regrets either I should have did something I didn't or I should not have did something I did :S.
I find I almost always prefer the I should have did something I didn't, because in the process of doing something outside of my comfort zone I AT LEAST learn from it, and if it turned out poorly I forgive myself easier due to ignorance. So, assure yourself everyday this guy from the past remains in the past and think positive and self empowering thoughts!
I think you will always regret not being more open and social due to a fear that is most likely misplaced. I would not let this jerk from your past dictate your future.

PS.. if push comes to shove a good punch to the throat should set things in order, my bf says go for the xiphoid process if you get one punch that should be enough . I dunno why that would drop someone in a single blow, but he is the medical expert so that thingy or the throat ^_^. whichever target presents itself the most

[Camfer]

East, do not ever google the name of someone you don't want thinking about you. By doing so, google now knows that you have or had an association with him. That is the insidious reality of the internet. Every search you have ever done is linked to you and stored forever. You never know how that data will be used.

Now, in regards to adding old acquaintances as facebook friends, plenty of people do not do this. It's not weird to leave the past in the past. What you characterize as possibly living in fear could well be living with prudent caution.

[MikeW]

....It was easy before Facebook..didn't even have to think about it...but now...ugh...I am wondering if I am just weird...or does anyone else experience the same thing?

I'm very much like this, perhaps even more than you are. That is, I assume you have IRL friends you socialize with NOW... me, not so much.

I hate FB for a lot of reasons. I do visit it but rarely and yes, I do have a profile although I've thought of deleting it several times. Not quite sure why I don't. A couple years ago I culled my "friends" list considerably. Anyone who had made no effort to correspond with me in any way shape or form for over a year was gone. Of course, I didn't try to contact them, either but that's beside the point.

Currently I have emails from two friends that date back to the late 1960s, when I was in college. I have quite a history with BOTH of these guys, one of them being my first (more or less) "boyfriend". The other this straight guy jock once-upon-a-time rugby player on whom I had the worst crush when I was 18/19 (1966/67) years old. Although nothing of my crush was ever to pan out, we became good friends and he had a huge impact on my life. For one thing, he introduced me to the first out gay man I ever met.

So, its interesting... both have reached out and said "hi" to me; the latter a year ago and the former in April. I haven't replied to either one because I'm just not sure what to say. Like you say, [MENTION=18508]East[/MENTION] , it isn't as if I dislike these guys or anything. Far from it. But... for whatever reason ... I'm not drawn to correspond with them. I could spend hours, I suppose, trying to figure out "why" and whether or not I "ought" to, even if I don't particularly "want" to. Instead I'll just let it "hang there" in my mind as something I'm either avoiding or, perhaps, just waiting for the "right" moment (whatever the fuck that means).

But as to your question, I *know* and basically accept the fact that I AM WEIRD. I've never been "normal," nor particularly cared to be. So.. who cares whether it is "weird" or not.

[East]

I think the majority of people would see your actions as abnormal , but I think you are a quieter person so it makes sense for you not to have a super desire to chat all those people up.

I agree about the majority of people seeing this as abnormal since so many of them seem to be OK with it....or maybe they aren't and just don't say anything? I WISH I was quieter..it is a dream of mine actually. I chat a bit too much...and I have been trying really hard now for a month to curtail my social butterfly thing....

I understand completely because I feel exactly the same way.

You said, "..they all seem to be friends with each other.,...it is endless really....".. and what it is...for me...is endless regurgitated drama. My one attempt at reconnecting with a person from my past back home ended up involving too many people and stirred up waay too many feelings that were best left where they belonged...in the past.

My partner has a good point...he says that if those people had really been important to me, I wouldn't have allowed them to drift out of my life.

So yeah...I get it...and I don't think that it's weird at all...

I get a little embarrassed for them with the stuff they post.....

For instance..selfies. I think there are maybe 20 photos of me in existence...total...I HATE taking pictures.....

I haven't seen drama yet because I have remained hidden...BUT...some of them remind me of past drama...and it is weird to see these endless lists because after an hour or so..I realize that in just this one period of my life...I knew thousands of people....and I even forgot about them until I see the photos and names....

The reason I left the first time was drama though...and I know it is there ready to happen...

I hate that what a lot of us have in common is grief...and our mutual friends dying of AIDS so young....and the people who still have it....I just don';t have anything left to deal with it anymore....I watched so many people die..I can't even count that high....how many....and so even seeing a lot of them reminds me of so many of the people who died...and I even forgot about a lot of them until I see the photos...

...and that is why I left pretty quickly the first time I joined...

im like you - keep getting friends request from people just because I was at the same school as them - I despised school with a passion and they just remind me of it - its not there fault at all, I just think if you were important to me I would have kept in touch anyway - I prefer to live in the now and let the past just be memories and not try to re capture it

Yeah...that is weird. I have no desire to keep in touch with anyone from school....
I have ignored one request so far...I am using my business name so I don't get a lot of requests LOL...but when I used my name and photo before....I got so many so fast...bizarre....like everyone waits to see who signs up next and pounces on you LOL

My high school in San Jose is pretty closeby...and I see people all the time I went to school with....but we don't talk. One guy tried top connect with me but I just wasn't feeling it. All the other gay people I knew died at the beginning of the AIDS crisis in the early 80s. We had 1200 people in my class...

I'm basically the same. I wouldn't say it's weird... just "living in the moment".

Yeah...living in the moment...I have always been like that. I am 100% more interested in what people I know today are doing....not so much people I knew years ago....

[East]

As a kid I moved around a few times, so I got used to losing touch with peer groups/social environments. Am I curious about what some of my college buddies are up to now? Sure. But I don't see the point in trying to force a reconnect if the bond wasn't super strong to start with. Are there folks I've chatted with online about whom I've thought, "You know, I wish they'd log back on some time, I wanna ask how they've been doing lately"? You bet. But I'm not about to try to track them down and stalk them on Facebook.

I have an impulse a lot to just say HI to someone from the past...because I am feeling it and I usually go with that..but I stop myself because once you get on their "list"...the dreaded others submit requests...

I wish I could do a private PM or something....

No law says that you owe anyone extended contact just because you knew them once, just as no law says that a lack of contact precludes a worthwhile relationship. I think the right ones will be there, right on time.

I agree Miles

I don't think this situation is weird East, and I also think its not all that uncommon. Both my brother and I opened accounts and all of a sudden people we both barely knew crawled out of the woodwork and began acting as though we were long lost friends. And the people who I was actually close to had changed so much over time that I no longer had much in common with them. And then they preceded to clutter my feed with all of their lovely belief's and really lame meme's. The only fun I had was friending George Takei who has the funniest stream and the wittiest observations of current events.

I smile for the past, but I've left it there. Concentrating on the present is far more important to me than trolling through my stream enduring pictures of people's dinner, bored to tears by uninspired and endless selfies, or meme's praising god in such a way as to give me virtual diabetes. And I have no desire to play pretend friends with people who were only vaguely interactive with me all those years ago. I'd much prefer to pay attention to the people in my immediate life.

But that's just my choice. I don't think of it as normal or weird because I lost track of what those two things meant a long time ago. I simply choose a simpler life.

I think I want to give you a kiss...or a hug...or both...THANKS STEVE!!!!!! I thought about everything you said all evening....and it made me feel a lot better about my position.....

[East]

Ok, first things first: please don't die anytime soon

I have tortured myself all year with this stupid thing...and the problem is...I am right ALOT about stuff...BUT...I am wrong too a lot...so I have been trying to remember all the times I was wrong. I mostly worry about my BF..not so much about dying....

But thanks...I will do my best to stay alive until July 25...wish me luck!

If I understand your story correctly someone has been living rent-free inside your head for the last 40 years? Here are a couple of random thoughts.

Yup...you got it right....

You guys were teenagers then, or I'm just assuming that. While he swore to get back at you, there is a good chance that he has matured enough not to harbour such enmity towards you anymore.

I was a teenager..he was an adult. I was pretty young at the time...just went into the service....he started on me the first night I got there....

I will be brave and keep my picture in there for as long as I can before I freak out...maybe I won't freak out....I get so afraid that he will see me...and so I am going to be brave and try to keep it up....the reason this picture is important is that it is what I looked like exactly when he began...and I think that finally stopping hiding from the freak would be my best chance of getting him out of my head....

https://gayspeak.com/album.php?albumid=1139

If he was such a monster to you, you probably weren't the only one whose life he made hell. Not finding his name via Google is a good sign. Maybe he died young, someone else took care of him or he is permanently in state care.

Could very well be. The straw that broke the camel's back for me was being tied up and stripped to my underwear along with I think it was five other guys...maybe four...or six....after we all drank absinthe with opium...and my arms and legs wouldn't move at all but my mind was alert...and what he did to us with his friend....I was the first one to get away and I got a cab and in a very groggy state I made my way back...and I reported him....and then the legal action began. It took a year I think to report him..he did a lot of stuff I won't tell...or am not brave enough yet to tell...if I ever will be....

If I knew for sure he was dead I would definitely let it all out and maybe even do a primal scream or two...or twenty...even make a wilderness weekend for the occasion to let all the stress out. I think maybe asking the rolfing lady or even the acupuncturist if they can do anything might also help release it...

I don't even remember if I knew the other guys or not....it seemed like we were all strangers......We didn't get raped or anything like that..it was actually worse than that....he very well may have done the same thing to some or all of them for all I know....

I believe you need therapy to get him out of your head, whether you go public online or not.

I can't believe that didn't even occur to me...and I know you are right. My therapist died some years ago...and she gave me excellent tools to deal with things that work well...but I still get stuck sometimes...

My problem is finding the right one..I get discouraged when I was looking before I found her years ago....

I do know I have to confront the fear...and hopefully by even telling the little bit I did...and showing my pic which scares the fuck out of me...it will be a good start...

Btw. I've reconnected with old classmates and it has only been a big blaaaaa. We weren't close back then, we are never going to be.

Yeah.....I have seen some of mine in passing..alot in San Jose...it is a small big town ....and we don't connect much at all....

[East]

I want to comment on the rest as well but I have to go now...when I get back I will...and thanks everyone...I was feeling really out of it but I am Ok now...I am glad I am not the only one because sometimes I feel like a freak for not going along with "stuff" that doesn't seem to bother most people....

[Dreamer]

I'm the same way.... but my issue includes my huge extended family of whom I'm yet to meet.... I friend them... we might message a few times... I like some of their posts, they may like mine.... but for the majority of the time they don't reach out to me past accepting my friend requests, or I theirs... For example, I'll message one, I see that they've read it, then feel shitty that they've made a conscious decision to not reply.... like WTF?

I know there may be a slight language barrier from some family members, but fuck....they know basic broken English (based on the one message I'll ever receive from any of them), and isn't that what the translation widget is for?!

I want to eventually meet them all in person when I can afford to travel, but why must they be elusive and distant? I tend to stop making any effort once I make such a realization so that I don't seem desperate, and years go by, and I'll try again to no avail, and then I think I'm the one they find being an asshole...

fuck my life....

[East]

I can honestly say I have absolutely NO interest in reconnecting with anyone from my past. I let go of them in the first place for a reason.

Thanks Twist! I wish I could be as firm and solid with my opinion as you are...and maybe I will be when I finish figuring this all out. Guilt sucks...and it gets me by the balls a lot. I wish it didn't...but I have an Achilles heel when it comes to feeling guilty about a lot of things....

if i run into guys from my high school/childhood, i wouldn't have a problem exchanging the how-have-you-been-and-what-you're-up-to's with them. there were some decent people when i was growing up and we shared some good times. i wouldn't deliberately look them up, i have parted ways with each one of them, but i don't really feel such reluctance in regard to the chance of meeting them. only a couple of them i deliberately cut all connection and communication with, and those are nonexistent entities to me.

also, i am not on ''Wastebook''. that is not real interaction. i am only talking about real flesh and blood scenarios here.

Meridan....I have no problem at all running into any of them and I am happy when it happens. None of these people are anyone I even want to hide from...I just like it when things are natural...hopefully I can find the balance and put it all behind me....

BTW...how is it going with the guy you met? Did you take him up in the plane yet?

Personally when I find a difficult obstacle to overcome I usually get to a place im comfortable in, prepare myself and jump.

I love that you said this SB.... I know that feeling...done the same myself...but for so many reasons..I allowed fear to get the best of me...and now I am real tired of it....

I have always found no matter what I do I have regrets either I should have did something I didn't or I should not have did something I did :S.
I find I almost always prefer the I should have did something I didn't, because in the process of doing something outside of my comfort zone I AT LEAST learn from it, and if it turned out poorly I forgive myself easier due to ignorance. So, assure yourself everyday this guy from the past remains in the past and think positive and self empowering thoughts!
I think you will always regret not being more open and social due to a fear that is most likely misplaced. I would not let this jerk from your past dictate your future.

THANKS for this...it is something I thought about today...and I feel a little bit braver and more resolved after hearing this....

PS.. if push comes to shove a good punch to the throat should set things in order, my bf says go for the xiphoid process if you get one punch that should be enough . I dunno why that would drop someone in a single blow, but he is the medical expert so that thingy or the throat ^_^. whichever target presents itself the most

OMG...I have imagined what I would do to him for so many years....I will be happy to add that suggestion to the list....

East, do not ever google the name of someone you don't want thinking about you. By doing so, google now knows that you have or had an association with him. That is the insidious reality of the internet. Every search you have ever done is linked to you and stored forever. You never know how that data will be used.

Camfer...is it also on computers you no longer own that they keep the data? It was a few computers back that I did the search....

Now, in regards to adding old acquaintances as facebook friends, plenty of people do not do this. It's not weird to leave the past in the past. What you characterize as possibly living in fear could well be living with prudent caution.

It was definitely prudent and necessary caution for many years...but I am so tired now I am about ready to just take my chances....

It is humiliating sometimes when you change a letter in your name...or make someone else sign your lease or get a phone for you...and then having to explain...like I am some kind of criminal trying to hide something...so sick of that. I just gave this guy so much power...I am shocked at myself really...