Should I give my boyfriend chance again ?

[princealbertofb]

Hello, Biki1992, and to GaySpeak. It seems to me that there is a situation here which is not very clear to us, but from what I read, I'm understanding that you and your 52 year old boyfriend, who presumably is American, live apart. He's twice your age, but that doesn't matter when you are in love.

So living with his sister was becoming difficult for him, maybe because of his "lifestyle", or what people often call a "lifestyle". Maybe living with an ex boyfriend was gay friendlier than living with a complicated situation with a sister. What I'm understanding from this is that he is not trying to start up a new relationship with his ex boyfriend but that his boyfriend has offered him shelter (a place to live, a bed to sleep in) until he can straighten out his life. Is that it?

If I misunderstood, then he is renewing his relationship with his ex, but wants to keep you as his steady boyfriend as well? This is a situation many of us will find hard to understand, but there are people who can be happy loving more than one person, and we need to remember that maybe this is a relationship that could work for you too.

What you are asking us is whether you should abandon this current relationship and start another one (that's the advice most people here have given you) but maybe that's not what should happen.

Of course it would be less worrying for you if you could just go to the USA and live with your boyfriend, and then maybe you could decide whether you are going to accept a ménage à trois (a threesome relationship, a living loving relationship with three people involved), or whether you two have to be exclusive.

A person like @East might have some more light to shed on such possibilities.

Think about what would be right for you, and then you can make a move and make it happen. What are you expecting from life exactly, now that you have graduated?

[princealbertofb]

A lot could happen in 2 years. I think you should let go of the idea.

If he really loved you and wanted to be in a relationship with you it seems unlikely that he would want to move in with another guy and pursue a relationship with him.

I know you feel strongly for him now but those feelings will fade with time and you'll find someone else that makes you feel the same way.

I think we may be faced here with a language misunderstanding @darren23a, when someone says they are going to move in with someone it doesn't necessarily mean that they are going to start a love relationship with them, it means they are going to live under the same roof, that they are going to be flatmates, or roommates, sharing accomodation. I think maybe this is what's happening. I wonder if [MENTION=23027]Biki1992[/MENTION] has not quite seized the situation?

[East]

A person like @East might have some more light to shed on such possibilities.

Thanks for the vote of confidence PA...but I read this...and moved on quickly. My kind of advice or insight does not fare well with this personality type.:eek:

I suspect he would not pay attention to anything I would have to say...way too many red flags for me...so I decided silence was my best contribution.

[princealbertofb]

Your boyfriend has another boyfriend besides you? Does the other boyfriend know about you? does the other boyfriend know your/his boyfriend has said you guys might get together in a couple years?

None of this makes much sense. Besides, if either of you really loved the other, one or the other of you would find a way to move to where the other one lived. Stop driving yourself crazy trying to have something you probably will never have and let yourself have what you CAN have right in your own neighborhood.

[MENTION=20947]MikeW[/MENTION], this may not make much sense to us, but we don't know what [MENTION=23027]Biki1992[/MENTION] and his boyfriend promised to one another and what ties bond them together. Maybe there are loose ends that need tying in both countries before something more definitive can happen, like maybe Biki needs to finish his studies or find a job and make a little money, or make plans to visit the USA... Maybe his boyfriend has to straighten out a living arrangement where his boyfriend from India could live with him... maybe sharing accomodation with an old flame of the American boyfriend.

I know it may seem easier to us to go for the local boyfriend and the local 'fish' that is so plentiful in the sea (or so the saying goes). But love relationships and more specifically gay relationships are sometimes hard to come by and I can understand someone trying to hold on to a relationship that works and that already exists.

Being in an Long Distance Relationships myself, I can relate to this situation all the more. What we need to ascertain is whether the 52-year old boyfriend is worth waiting for, and whether this boyfriend is also truthful or just leading Biki on. His interest seems to be authentic enough, from what I understand, and the yearning will only be bigger from all the time and space distance. Both those elements can strain a relationship, but they can also strengthen a good relationship. I would think it over very carefully. One bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, n'est-ce pas?

[princealbertofb]

Thanks for the vote of confidence PA...but I read this...and moved on quickly. My kind of advice or insight does not fare well with this personality type.:eek:

I suspect he would not pay attention to anything I would have to say...way too many red flags for me...so I decided silence was my best contribution.

Thank you, [MENTION=18508]East[/MENTION], for taking this request into consideration. I see some red flags here too, and I'm afraid Biki is in for some disappointment. One side of me hopes that I'm wrong. After all what were the odds that my own relationship across the waters would work out?

[East]

Thank you, [MENTION=18508]East[/MENTION], for taking this request into consideration. I see some red flags here too, and I'm afraid Biki is in for some disappointment. One side of me hopes that I'm wrong. After all what were the odds that my own relationship across the waters would work out?

Since you asked..infinitely better odds with you and Derek..for infinitely better reasons....

This here: My boyfriend moved in with another boyfriend. ....uh.....uh....uh.....uh...... (you see my problem...it is either "uh"...or saying what I think)

[princealbertofb]

Biki, ultimately, what you do with your life is your own decision, but it seems to me that you and your boyfriend need to agree on some rules.
Are you happy for him to live with his sister or another member of his family?
Are you happy for him to live with an ex boyfriend?
Are you happy for him to live with a friend or friends?
Are you happy for him to live with a housemate?
Are you allowed to see other men while you are both apart? (two years is a long time to wait in a young man's life)
Is he allowed (by you) to see other men, including ex boyfriends while you are both apart?
Are you both supposed to be exclusive and wait for one another? (monogamy, which might be difficult to implement - I don't know your personalities regarding the need for intimacy and sex).
Are you allowed to have affairs on the side and need to inform one another, or do you both prefer not to know about them?

In any case you should both agree to use protection in order to preserve your health, for your sake and for his sake.
Remember that if you agree on rules together, you have to be able to enforce them, or else the trust in the relationship might be ruined.
All the rules, it seems to me, need to apply to both of you? That means that if he imposes who you should live with, then you can have your own demands about who he lives with.

There has to be balance and not someone imposing his law on another person, unless you're happy with that kind of submission, of course. Each to his own

[andresrey]

So... he still loves you but he's already in another relationship? That doesn't make many sense.

[MikeW]

...What we need to ascertain is whether the 52-year old boyfriend is worth waiting for, and whether this boyfriend is also truthful or just leading Biki on. His interest seems to be authentic enough, from what I understand, and the yearning will only be bigger from all the time and space distance. Both those elements can strain a relationship, but they can also strengthen a good relationship. I would think it over very carefully. One bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, n'est-ce pas?

For sure we don't know all the details of this situation. But what we do know from the OP is that the 52yo has another boyfriend with whom he is living and we're hearing he is very possessive and controlling of the OP. This is not a balanced relationship. I wouldn't put up with it with a guy of any age, no matter where he was located. So, to me, the bird in the hand analogy is irrelevant. What good is a cranky old crow in the hand when there are abundant pheasants in the bush?

[princealbertofb]

For sure we don't know all the details of this situation. But what we do know from the OP is that the 52yo has another boyfriend with whom he is living and we're hearing he is very possessive and controlling of the OP. This is not a balanced relationship. I wouldn't put up with it with a guy of any age, no matter where he was located. So, to me, the bird in the hand analogy is irrelevant. What good is a cranky old crow in the hand when there are abundant pheasants in the bush?

You may be right about this, @MikeW, and I do see the red flags here too. But I think we've got too little information here and a poster who might not master all the subtleties of the English language... add that to an imaginative mind and all scenarios are possible.

Also, Mike, we agree about the imbalance of power that seems to emanate from this thread. So.... up to Biki to tell us what's up.