Should I give my boyfriend chance again ?

[Bowyn Aerrow]

My boyfriend moved in with another boyfriend. He want to try relationship with him. He love me but we are very far away. It might take more than two years for us to being together. He never give up upon me even he is with another man. He always telling me we can be together in future and asked me to stay with him. Should I stay with him or give up hope of being together someday. He is only man I love. I don't think I can have relationship with anyone anymore . He is very strong in my mind. He moved in with other man still I am not stop loving him. Will it problem in future if I stay in love with him ?

I personally wouldn't give him another chance.

However I'm the type of person who strongly believes in such silly, antiquated notions such as fidelity, loyalty and monogamy.

I also understand that by nature humans are not monogamous - unlike other species like wolves that get a mate and stick with that mate for life. Monogamy is special because it is contrary to human nature, and it is done as an act that demonstrates that the love we feel for our partner is something special and 'above' just general love.

My last relationship was over 14 years long. Around 2.5 years into the relationship my ex came come and told me he failed the test (HIV) and that rapidly lead to our having a sexless relationship because he claimed he didn't want me to contract HIV.

I stuck it out - many where the chances I could have had sexual encounters with guys - and even under this "special" circumstance I accepted the monogamy, albeit celibacy as an act that says "I love you and only you, and that love is far more important than sex."

Unfortunately this was a one way street and I would discover 12 years later that he was having random hook-up with guys he met on such apps as Grind'r.

This is the type of fella I am - I do not seek a partner for just sex - or for that matter for any sex. I would rather have a companion, a mate, a person to share a life with perhaps cuddling is all the physicality.

If you feel that sex is more important than all of this other stuff, or have no problem with sex being with multiple people, and that this 'special circumstance' of distance is 'worthy' of his having sex and a relationship with another fella, then go with it.

IF on the other hand you feel that sex, monogamy and such things are hallmarks of a spousal type of love, then that has been broken and even if you two do manage to come together, it will always sit there between you - this broken bit of trust, this 'It's almost perfect love'.

I know you are young, and live in a society where gays hide and finding a mate is more difficult due to those circumstances, however I do not know your principles, your expectations from a relationship and your potential mate.

Regardless of the situation(s) presented, if monogamy is very important to you, then I strongly suggest you let this fella go and hope that another fella comes along that meets your NEEDS for a happy partnership.

There are no guarantees there will be another potential mate in your future - this applies to everyone regardless of orientation or where they live.

Ultimately YOU need to assess what your needs are in a partner - not wants - but serious "I must have X" in order for your relationship to be satisfying for you.

Also wipe the silly notion that relationships are supposed to be happy or that they contain lots of happiness - contentment is what a true relationship brings - that and compromise - lots and lots of compromise.

[Biki1992]

We have a saying, "What's good for the goose is good for the gander." You understand? If something is good for one person in a relationship, the same has to be good for the other.

MikeW
You are so right. He does whatever he wants. They imbalance between he and me . He want to keep those imbalance between us this might be reason . Thank you every very much I Understood now.

Johnsomebody
You story is same with mine. Last year I went a trip with a friend. And posted a picture from that trip to Facebook. In that picture I was standing alone and smile . My boyfriend got upset about that picture and told that " I was smiling and enjoying with friend" after I removed the picture. But he always posts picture of him and his boyfriend. I don't feel hurt of him for post those stupid pictures. But when people commented on those post I feel hurt. We talk about it many time not post anything. He always does post of his BF.
There is reason he want me stay with him while he is trying to make relationship with his BF. he is pretty sure that his bf will never love him. He just trying to make relationship. At first his bf was with him because he want he marry one his friend and get USA citizenship. My bf is pushing him think about him all time. He will be working 14hrs in a day and his bf call him to help him in his restuarants. He will go wash dishes just to be with him and he doesn't care about him. This make me very angry. When I am angry he thought I am jealous of him. But I just don't want someone use him. That's how he feel frustrated of me because I was mad everytime he went to his bf restaurants. Why would I like to be with him is he will be feel hurt someday that time he will not anyone for him to make feel good. He will be posting on Facebook those feeling hurt . His stupid bf instead caring of him, he will call my bf he will say he want to go face surgery because of he has lots of wrinkle. I am just trying to make my bf happy. I stopped expecting love from him very long back. I just confused whether I am doing right or making things worsen that's why I came here for help.

[Biki1992]

Browny arrow

I am not expecting monogamy relationship until we are together. But he is monogamy type. I don't like he saying same thing to him what he said to me. He can have sex with anyone. I never talk about sex with him. When we say love I just want be special and one love. Not like everyone who can be in his arm will be his love. He is that kinda guy. That's why he ever ready end up relationship by saying sorry if he gets someone in his arm.

[Biki1992]

.

So living with his sister was becoming difficult for him, maybe because of his "lifestyle", or what people often call a "lifestyle". Maybe living with an ex boyfriend was gay friendlier than living with a complicated situation with a sister. What I'm understanding from this is that he is not trying to start up a new relationship with his ex boyfriend but that his boyfriend has offered him shelter (a place to live, a bed to sleep in) until he can straighten out his life. Is that it?

If I misunderstood, then he is renewing his relationship with his ex, but wants to keep you as his steady boyfriend as well? This is a situation many of us will find hard to understand, but there are people who can be happy loving more than one person, and we need to remember that maybe this is a relationship that could work for you too.

What you are asking us is whether you should abandon this current relationship and start another one (that's the advice most people here have given you) but maybe that's not what should happen.

Princealbertofb
There is little misunderstanding. When I met first time on last June 1st he was with his ex in Miami, Florida. After he move out of his ex house and came to Charlotte , North Carolina . He doesn't nothing with him because he didn't save anything for himself . He spent everything what he earn in bringing up his ex's son and daughter. That's he started living with his one of sister. And then he got job somewhere little far from his sister house , he move to his parents house. When he move to his parents house , that time he met his another boyfriend. At first he told will be just friend. I stopped him making friendship with him I knew this he will be move with someday but he never listen to anyone . Whatever he wants he does it. Another sister lost her job and he went to live with her so that he can help her paying bills. Now she got her job and he feel right move with his boyfriend. His sister and me were stopping him to move with his bf . It is not because of I am jealous. It is because of he is moving to his bf house. I told if he want to move with try saving and have his own house. And then do whatever he wants. I just don't want him he being homeless when his bf doesn't want to be with him.

He planned like what you said. He never told me he will be making relationship with his bf . But he did told me he will not be living with him as room mate . He told he will be living with him in same house and will be sleeping in same bed. He told me he will be building his life and he asked me to build my life and planned for living together. Later it is not happening what he told . When he moved in with his bf , he found his bf interest on making relationship with him for permanently. That's how he changed his mind and thought of making relationship with him. But still he has doubt about his bf intention because in past his bf wasn't sexually attracted to him. His bf used to meet other guys secretly. He doesn't like that. Now he is dealing with him not meet any guy. Later if he meet any guys he will not make relationship with him. That's is the reason he want me to stay with him.

He is trying everybody knows that he is living with him as boyfriend by posting about him on Facebook . That hurts me lots. But I never spoke about this to him. I just want let him do whatever he wants. If I talk about something he will never listen to me and he will thought I am jealous. I just want if he want I stay with him , he start thinking of me too. Everything what he does is to make me feel hurt.
You know what he can end up a relationship by just saying "sorry" . That is what he are .
He just want me to be with him and torture me. And after knowing all this I could not just get away of him. How much I try to away from him it takes me more closer to him. I know it will be easier if I try to make relationship with another guy. But I just don't want to be with other.

[Biki1992]

Biki, ultimately, what you do with your life is your own decision, but it seems to me that you and your boyfriend need to agree on some rules.
Are you happy for him to live with his sister or another member of his family?
Are you happy for him to live with an ex boyfriend?
Are you happy for him to live with a friend or friends?
Are you happy for him to live with a housemate?
Are you allowed to see other men while you are both apart? (two years is a long time to wait in a young man's life)
Is he allowed (by you) to see other men, including ex boyfriends while you are both apart?
Are you both supposed to be exclusive and wait for one another? (monogamy, which might be difficult to implement - I don't know your personalities regarding the need for intimacy and sex).
Are you allowed to have affairs on the side and need to inform one another, or do you both prefer not to know about them?

In any case you should both agree to use protection in order to preserve your health, for your sake and for his sake.
Remember that if you agree on rules together, you have to be able to enforce them, or else the trust in the relationship might be ruined.
All the rules, it seems to me, need to apply to both of you? That means that if he imposes who you should live with, then you can have your own demands about who he lives with.

There has to be balance and not someone imposing his law on another person, unless you're happy with that kind of submission, of course. Each to his own

It doesn't matter where he live with as long as he loves me. I can wait for him happily until he is done. It is not happening like this some day he will say he love me . Next day he will say let be friend and other he will say let be family. He is not sure about his love.

[Darius]

I'm afraid I see no happy endings here. Good luck anyway.

[Biki1992]

There is something wrong with me. We have been planning of moving together . Everytime when he went out with friend ( I meant bf , he called he is friend ) , next day he don't talk to me. I appreciate of him go out with friend , have fun. he is having hard time at work he need to hangout with friend and do enjoyment. But I can't appreciate instability in his mind. Always he forget I am waiting for him to talk to me. He will not talk to me next day. It happens everytime he hangout with his Friend. That's why I mad on him all the time . And I used to tell him I can't marry him when I am angry. This made him frustrate of me.

Only option we can be together is marrying him and Apply spouse visa .Marrying him is not so easy thing for me. He must make me feel he loves me. Because I live in India where gay relationship is ilegal. I can't get married here. We can't stay here as couple in india. We can get married only in USA. If I want to be with him I have to leave my family and my country. If I do marry him i am gonna be alone if he can't be with me . This what I feel scared in my mind. We always fight about this. We will be planning getting together ,, he will come with settling down with his boyfriend like he is moving with his boyfriend and his boyfriend is ready to marry him. Who will not angry in this? How much we plan to together he always come with idea of living with his boyfriend. And If I got angry he will say I am bad , I always say bad thing about him and I always say I can't marry with him. I made him frustrated of him.

[princealbertofb]

Biki, apply for a student visa, go to the United States or Canada, or the UK or to any country where equal marriage is a possibility, meet another person to love you and marry you. Do you really want to marry a 52 year old man when you are only 25 yourself and not even sure that his love for you is strong enough for you to get married anyway?

[Biki1992]

Biki, apply for a student visa, go to the United States or Canada, or the UK or to any country where equal marriage is a possibility, meet another person to love you and marry you. Do you really want to marry a 52 year old man when you are only 25 yourself and not even sure that his love for you is strong enough for you to get married anyway?

Princealbertofb
I don't know what is wrong with me. I never been with young guys like my age. I just couldn't get into them muself. My preference is older man. I really don't know what I see on older man. I don't even feeling to talk if they are below 40. That's why my boyfriend is 52 years old. I feel irritated with young guys.

I thought of going with student visa. I went to some career counsellor. They said It will be diffult for me get scholarship because of my high school marks. Without scholarship it is not possible to go for study in other country because it is very costly.
I wish I could get out this country. MikeW says look a relationship in neighbour. But you know in India most of gay man is married man and everybody is looking for sex. No one reveal there sex orientation and their parents force them to marry. They thought Keeping relationship with man is crazy.
I never thought I will be crazy about my bf like this. At starting it was just chat for fun. I chat lot to many people. Never been attach to them. I don't know what make me to love him so much. There is nothing I like about him. He is white , and my preference is dark like Indian. I don't like way he speak about us. I want very romantic and he is not romantic. He never did anything which touch my heart. Always did something to irritate me. So much I don't like about him. Still I am totally into him .
There is man who love me In real. He is from france but I left him. How much he is happy when he saw me , I can see in eyes. But I never feel anything for him. The man who i love he will be always after this Thailand guy. Thing is I can't be angry. All angriness fade away when I hear his voice even though he is not saying anything to make me feel good.
I don't understand why I am always ready do whatever he said.
Crazy !!!!!

[Anocxu]

This can't be a healthy situation for one person that loves another..

There's a saying..

"You have to teach people how to treat you"

This arrangement is not good for you.
You should be insulted by his actions

Ask East about loving yourself..

Now I get in trouble here for saying the silliest most playful things...

I'll tell you.. I'm questioning how much you like or love yourself .
Your guy is open and honest to the the point where he "Fills you in on his decisions"..

Unfortunately he does not have your best interest in mind.

Get out of that mess..
Please.