I am gay, ugly depressed. My friends make me feel worse. What should I do?

[EONP0987]

Hello. This is my very first post here. I am going to make this as short as possible:
I am a 28 year old gay male, I am from a small and homophobic town, homophobic parents, most of my childhood, adolescence and and even now as a adult I've been dealing with depression.
I have some gay friends (which live in another city) that I met several years ago and a casue of my internal issues I decided stop talking to them, and then I got even more depressed and lonely. 2 Years later I got in touch with them again, because I couldn't handle living in my house around those closed minded people anymore in that shitty neighborhood, so I found another job and move out to the city where they live.
They have been very nice to me and intoduced me to their friends, so we hang out a lot to their houses and gay clubs, etc, but here's the problem:

All of them are in long term relationships, they have their lives figured out, they travel, are out and proud, are professionals, etc. While I have nothing, I've wasted most of my life feeling depressed. I've never had a boyfriend, still studying, still hiding from my family, so I feel horrible when I am with them, like I don't fit there. Seriously, I really don't know when feel the worst: alone or hanging out with them.
They want me to find a man, but I've tried every freaking dating app without any luck, I'm just average/ugly, not really handsome, so I am pretty insecure about how I look and that make things even worse, I have a crush on a guy at work but there is nooo way that I am going to say anything to him. He is very handsome and I don't think he is into ugly guys like me
I don't really know what to do, when we go to gay clubs is very awkward, when they dance with their patners and kiss each other While I'm in a corner checking my Instagram, I don't know what

to do or where the F I belong.
They are very nice and have good intentions, they want to see me happy, but I don't know if this is healthy hanging out with people that have everything that I don't.
When we go out I feel 40% great and 60% down.....
(We are 9 people 3 gay couples and 1 lesbian couple).
Do the math.
Just last night one of them invited me to a restaurant next Sunday. I really don't now what to do. Any advice?

[azulai]

Hi and welcome to GS.


Reading your post tells me you have made major accomplishments. Don't sell yourself short. Your friends seems genuine, don't push them away. They probably understand better than you think and weren't always with someone, I'm sure. Be patient with yourself. I would definitely accept their invitations and keep going out with them. Here's the thing, instead of searching instagram and looking at your phone while you are out with them, look around you!!! Take some pictures of your friends and smile and enjoy the people you are with not who you aren't. You might be surprise what happens.

As far as your crush, be polite. Be nice. Be a friend. Don't treat him like a piece of meat. He may like nice, polite and kind hearted guys. Not everyone is into model pretty guys. Everyone has a different definition of who they find attractive. Stop letting other people define you.

As someone who has struggled with depression everyday, I hear you. Now that you are in a new place, maybe it is time to explore talking to a professional counselor. Get some support.Fight for yourself.

Also, try exploring activities that you like on your own. If you like biking or hiking or music, search for gay chapters in your area and join. Don't forget about volunteering.

You sound like a nice guy with a sincere heart. I hope you come back and talk with us here at GS. Play some Word Games, try sharing advice that your unique experiences may help someone else, and don't forget to have some fun!

[InbetweenDreams]

Well I can relate because I am 29, single, pretty much average and not the greatest looking person and kind of overweight. I'm insecure about my looks and although I have learned to overcome some of those demons it still gets me down. I live in rural area in western NC and most of the people aren't the friendliest when it comes to gays. I have several friends who are in long term relationships, they're wealthy, live in a nice home and been togeather almost 10 years and another older friend of mine over 20 years. I often feel that I'll never meet anyone.

It tough, there isn't an easy way to deal with it but knowing you're not the only one feeling the same way and knowing that there isn't anything wrong with you. If there's any advice I can give is that you got to learn to love yourself and to accept yourself. Easier said than done, I still struggle with all that but I'm getting better and so can you. You never know how quickly things can change but you got to let it happen. Hang in there, don't dwell on the fact that you're single, and dating apps for the most part probably should stay away from. I don't know how many times I get depressed and bummed out by trying to look for dates with certain dating apps.

[RainV]

Maybe you could try focusing in the POSITIVE THINGS that you have:

1) You’re not anymore around in that homophobic environment (Parents, neighbors, acquaintances…. You now live in a place where you have more freedom to express yourself the way you are, even if not at 100% (From what you mention I take it you’re not getting out of the closet at work) and have the chance to go to LGBT places. There are other guys that have to travel/drive to other big towns and cities just to have the chance to have a bit of contact with other LGBT people/places.

2) You have a real treasure: you are surrounded by friends that love you the way you are and have the fortune to be part of a group, even if you don’t posses now the same things they enjoy (Professional career, an stable parter, a nice body/look. With the great importance that appearances have in certain places, sometimes is really hard to get a chance from people to get to know you.

3) You’re studying now. Keep up doing it, with effort and persistence you’ll be able to get a better job and you’ll get a great satisfaction.

I understand the frustration that comes when you are alone and have to hang out with friends that have a partner/date and they get to receive affection everywhere they go. Getting a boyfriend sometimes takes time, so be patient and keep trying different ways to know people. If apps haven’t worked try searching somewhere else, like gay groups or activities where you can meet new people (bowling, sports, cooking classes or a reading circle of gay people).

If you feel that you’re not attractive do something for yourself: sign up in a gym and do exercise, be careful with what you eat, try a look change. If you shape up you’ll be able to feel better, not only because exercise has a lot of benefits for your body, but because you’ll feel more self-confident.

As for the invitation you received to go to a restaurant, why not?. Try to enjoy the moments with your friends. You’re currently single, but have the chance to go to places in company of people that love you and care about you.

Everything will arrive to your life on its time, but you have to work hard to get it. Don’t pay attention to how fast or easy it arrives to other peoples lives but in how you work to make it happen in yours.

If you weren’t able to do things in the past because of depression, think that you’re doing them now. Better late than never!!!!. You are building a new better life for yourself, you already took the first step by leaving that negative environment where you used to live. Now you’re preparing yourself to get more knowledge and the chance of a better job; you’re making attempts to find a partner…in short, you’re doing something for yourself. Keep focused, work hard and let the past in the past You can do it!.

Ah, and just a last line: you did the correct thing coming to this forum. Consider it an extension of that group of friends you have where you live. People here is very supportive and you would be able to make friends, get help and relax whenever you feel sad or confused. Guess what?, You made another good thing for yourself.

I wish you the best of luck and hope you’ll be able to use your resources to get to the places you want.

Greetings!,

RainV

[Insertnamehere]

It never feels good to see other people achieve easily what you've been trying hard to get. I know that all too well.

My friend there are some things that you need to sort out first, before looking for a relationship.

First, and I know this will be incredibly annoying to hear, you need to learn to love yourself and focus on the good things you have, and the accomplishments in your life. Acknowleding the sides of you that are good is fundamental, even when there are things that are not going ok.

All of this may mean looking for proffesional counseling, although I don't know how impartial of a helper you can find within a homophobic environment.

In time, you will need to cut out the toxic parts of your life. If, for instance, your family gives you more trouble than they're worth, you will have to develop strategies to not let those situations get to you, poison you, etc. By moving out and living somewhere else, you have already started this process, so that speaks about your smarts!

I think than when you are done with your studies you will start seeing a bit of more light along the way that will give you an accomplishment to feel proud of and will give you more strength and self-assurance in the things that are good about you.

Don't push away your friends, because neither of them intends to make you feel like that, from what you say. I think things might be even worse and lonelier for you if you do, like you have already experienced.


Welcome to GS and feel free to keep talking about yourself

[thawoods]

There's nothing wrong with being gay, there's nothing wrong with being ugly, but you have to do something about being depressed.

[CellarDweller]

welcome to the forum

now, go get some new friends.

[valkyrie4488]

You've got true friends who care, and that is an accomplishment in itself. I can relate, I've never been in a relationship or anything either, but you have to have hope. You seem like an awesome person, and I've learned that looks aren't everything in this world what's in a person's heart is important, but I bet your better looking than you think. Your friends IRL and here will be there to support you as well, you'll meet that special someone. Welcome to GS as well. ^_^

[LONDONER]

While I have nothing, I've wasted most of my life feeling depressed. I've never had a boyfriend, still studying, still hiding from my family, so I feel horrible when I am with them, like I don't fit there. Seriously, I really don't know when feel the worst: alone or hanging out with them.

I'm just average/ugly, not really handsome, so I am pretty insecure about how I look and that make things even worse, I have a crush on a guy at work but there is nooo way that I am going to say anything to him. He is very handsome and I don't think he is into ugly guys like me

They are very nice and have good intentions, they want to see me happy, but I don't know if this is healthy hanging out with people that have everything that I don't.
When we go out I feel 40% great and 60% down.....
(We are 9 people 3 gay couples and 1 lesbian couple).
Do the math.

Just last night one of them invited me to a restaurant next Sunday. I really don't now what to do. Any advice?

"I've wasted my life feeling depressed" Well, you said it. Nobody really enjoys being around depressed people so the first thing you have to do is at least pretend in front of your friends that you're not depressed. Stop wasting your life. Your friends want to see you happy and if you at least give the semblance of happiness then that can lead to all sorts of things. None of your friends are going to mention or introduce you to anyone if you're in a permanent state of depression. You've received some pretty good advice from other people here about how to change your life so try to take some notice.

One thing that you have to remember is that beauty comes from within. Years ago I knew a woman who, physically, was not the most attractive of people and yet she was happily married and everyone absolutely adored her. She owned a restaurant that was highly successful as long as she was there. The days when she wasn't it simply was not the same place. She made the restaurant. It was sheer force of personality.

Finally, about being invited to a restaurant, why would you not go? Of course accept the invitation. What have you got to lose? Take advantage of every opportunity to socialise. Locking yourself away will achieve nothing.

As has been said before, keep in touch and let us know how things progress. Know that you have the support of everyone here.

[Cuddly]

You sound nice. I bet your only real problem is your insecurity. Love yourself. You're smart, strong, brave, caring and trying hard to get what you want, inspite of a horrible background. You've got plenty of reasons to feel proud and happy, so yeah, next time you're out with your amazing friends, have fun and dance.