Is this true of gay relationships?

[InbetweenDreams]

I talk about things that would be well tricky to discuss with a partner. Things that are normally private for most everyone, doesn't seem to effect me. It is good to have a friend that you can remove the filter and discuss stuff you might not tell another soul about. As far as emotionally attached to someone, yeah I kind of get that and I have a friend that falls into that category, not sexually attracted to him and yeah he is gay but he's someone I can discuss pretty much anything about and not have to worry that it might be inappropriate or going to weird him out. Most of those things I probably wouldn't discuss with a partner unless we were really comfortable discussing all that stuff.

So no I don't think you did anything wrong there IMO. However does sound like your friend was a bit skittish about you being gay since he had an issue about how much time you spend together. I can't really speak on that since I don't have any close straight male friends.

Anyway, hope that puts you at ease on that subject.

[East]

Even though I am in a monogamous relationship...I never promised monogamy nor will I let anyone promise monogamy to me. I think it is a stupid promise to make.

How many people have promised monogamy and then broke their promise? Uh...like millions and millions of them. Then they lie to hide it....UGH....

It is why I am suspicious of the institution of marriage...the house of cards and lies....

I like to keep my promises ...that is the nature of the promise...keeping your word....so why make a promise NO ONE KNOWS IF THEY CAN KEEP????

Einstein said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results...and since we know the institution of marriage with the traditional vows are a sham (anyone see the statistics on infidelity and divorce?)...why are we still making promises we have no idea whether we will keep or not? You are not in control of life and all of the variable and twists and turns...no one is...

There is no way any one of us "knows" we will not slip...and the people who insist they are above all that...like Josh Duggar...uh..,,they are the worst because in addition to breaking their promise or vow.....they become the worst kind of liars....hiding behind "morality".

I promised to be honest with my partner...and I wanted the same promise from him..

I can deal with him having sex with someone else if he wanted to..I can't deal with him lying about it.

It is silly to think that your partner will give up all his lustful thoughts because you somehow transformed him...or that he will never want another. It is actually delusional to even go there...

My only rule except for the honesty...let me know about it so I can get off too. I love sexual fantasy....and if lust drove you to fuck someone else..I want to know about it because it might turn me on LOL

Of course..that is my POV...and you have to consider everything and come to your own conclusion...just remember what Einstein said and take a look at the history of marriage when you are considering....or reconsidering... your POV...

[InbetweenDreams]

That is a good point, never thought Einstein would work his way into a gay relationship lol, but that does make sense. I think everyone is trying to follow this tradition of monogamy, it works for some but not for all. Honesty is king, the question is can someone handle the truth? I mean I don't really picture myself cheating, of course I find many guys attractive but doesn't mean I'm going to go have sex with them. However, reading "I like to keep my promises ...that is the nature of the promise...keeping your word....so why make a promise NO ONE KNOWS IF THEY CAN KEEP????" does make me think. I think we make that promise because everything is alright in the world when we make such a promise, but when things go sour going out and hooking up doesn't seem like that big of a crime because you've had it. It's a scary thought that the person who you want to spend the rest of your life with turns into Satan himself and you couldn't care less for them to go off and do that.

So I think the objective is to find a balance, something that both you and your partner can agree on and if you love your partner somehow you'll come to some of understanding. Not saying open relationships are the way to go, but I do think that sex means more or less to different people and I'd say that is a big motivator on whether someone will cheat or want to be in an open relationship...that or I'm just out there. [MENTION=21783]ShiftyNJ[/MENTION] Love does ruin everything lol

[1maxuk]

Hi Pacific, I read your post and some of the comments and would like to share some of my thoughts. Since he loves you but plays outside your relationship, he probably is not satisfied with the sex part of your relationship, which also means he has found something that really wants but does not get at home. I think it would be a good idea to have an open, deep and honest talk about your sex life. It's much easier to improve a love-based relationship than ending it and then starting something new. Love does not occur very often. Fidelity does not represent true love because I've seen unloving and unhappy couples in a monogamous relationship. If you'd had the talk and it was not because you could not satisfy him sexually that made him play outside then you will have to either accept him as who he is or end the relationship in order to start something new. Open relationship is too complicated in my opinion however it is still a great option for couples that have a disabled or ill partner. If both of you are perfectly healthy and there's also such great love between you two, open relationship will be a very bad idea. To end my comment I'd like to quote 'There is no greatness where there is no simplicity, goodness and truth.' by Leo Tolstoy, a very known Novelist.

[johndoe76]

I read sexual activity outside of a primary relationship is "often" not considered a major offense in gay relationships where as most emphasis is placed on emotional fidelity and love, not solely on the sexual aspect. This literature went on to state that gay men should discuss monogamy arrangements upfront and what constitutes fidelity and that gay men cannot (or should not) assume the same heteronormative construct and unspoken rule that sexual monogamy is a given. What do you guys think of these statements? Agree? Disagree? Further input?

Now, to kind of apply this at a personal level, if two guys never had the discussion and the other one goes out and plays without my knowledge, how should I react? Should this be cause for breaking up? My guy went out and played (for a long time) without me knowing. Otherwise, we're really really in love, but he clearly cannot be monogamous. I think he always probably wanted to be honest, but was too afraid of asking for an open arrangement maybe too fearful I would leave(?).

Thanks

Hi Pacific

Your thoughts on the issues with honesty really resonated with me, and an issue I'm facing right now.

I just wondered if you had any more thoughts on the matter, and what you ended up doing?

[Pacific]

Hi Pacific

Your thoughts on the issues with honesty really resonated with me, and an issue I'm facing right now.

I just wondered if you had any more thoughts on the matter, and what you ended up doing?

JohnDoe76: well, I've decided not to continue in the relationship because I just can't feel right about someone chronically living a double life and lying about it to me. As I've said previously, I am not against open relationships in theory, but I realize they require a great amount of maturity and emotional security. They require communication, not stealth. It's kind of difficult for me to accept an open relationship after I've found out it already was a one-sided open relationship for a few years.