Is this true of gay relationships?

[meridannight]

it sounds pretty accurate to me.

i wouldn't mind it if my partner had sex with another man, doesn't seem like that big of a deal, honestly. but i would mind if he couldn't control his emotions.

this being said, i myself don't really need several different sexual partners. i might meet someone and react to him that way, but i am more on the monogamous side most of the time.

[Pacific]

it sounds pretty accurate to me.

i wouldn't mind it if my partner had sex with another man, doesn't seem like that big of a deal, honestly. but i would mind if he couldn't control his emotions.

this being said, i myself don't really need several different sexual partners. i might meet someone and react to him that way, but i am more on the monogamous side most of the time.

Agree. It's more about the information withheld than the act itself that is troubling. It leaves one feeling emotionally slighted or tricked, especially when I was being monogamous.

[AlfredM]

Agree. It's more about the information withheld than the act itself that is troubling. It leaves one feeling emotionally slighted or tricked, especially when I was being monogamous.

That's the problem here. First, he withheld that information from you. But then, when you laid some rules and he broke it anyway, how does that make you feel, that he lied, then disregard the rules that you both agreed upon?

I kinda get the impression that you're actually a monogamous person, otherwise you wouldn't have assumed that was the default of your relationship, and now that you found out your partner isn't, you're opening your relationship.

Thing is, it doesn't matter what kind of rule you guys agreed upon, what matters is how you feel about this whole arrangement. If you're exploring this territory of open relationship,that's okay,but for your sake,I hope you're not doing this just to save your relationship.

Should this be cause for breaking up?

If this is not who you are,and it's not making you happy,you should know the answer already.

[Buzzer]

I know lots of straight relationships/marriages who have survived instances of cheating. And others that broke up over it.

I don't think either cheating, or monogamy, are "homo- or hetero- normative."

And I think when people buy too closely into labelling "heteronormative" things which are just widespread commons of human society (like monogamy), they buy into the idea that being gay has a fixed identity and set of values... everything opposite of what heteros do.

There ARE things I would say are heteronormative, and probably not good things. Like the "notion" (and many gay men seem to accept it) that within a relationship between two gay men there must be someone in the "male" role and the "female" role. I'm sure we've all heard something along the lines of "so which one is the woman?"

[johnny196775]

Me and my bf are both male and do not pretend otherwise.

[Lexington]

That's the problem here. First, he withheld that information from you. But then, when you laid some rules and he broke it anyway, how does that make you feel, that he lied, then disregard the rules that you both agreed upon?

Precisely so. The problem isn't that your guy is having sex with other guys. It's that he doesn't seem to give a rat's ass about your feelings. He hasn't even told you "I don't think I can commit to monogamy with you" - he's just gone out and had sex with other guys.

I'm sure we've all heard something along the lines of "so which one is the woman?"

Not since the 1990s. I think people are a bit more attuned to the whole "two guys" thing these days.

Lex

[Pcolakuntryboy]

I used to fool around with a guy that was in an "open relationship", his BF was a doctor that worked long hours and didn't have much of a sex drive. His BF knew that we had sex, but I get the feeling that he never knew about him laying in my bed holding me for hours, or snuggling with me on my sofa watching movies, or taking me to dinner, or how he used to call me to check on me while I was driving to work. This guy did everything a boyfriend was supposed to do, but only he wasn't my boyfriend. The whole situation just got a little too awkward for me because I never felt I knew just how open their relationship really was. I eventually moved out of town and we fell out of touch.

I don't know, I just think open relationships are risky. You never know if he will fall for the other person, or if that person will fall for him. And I don't care what anyone says, it's human instinct to be jealous.

[Pacific]

I used to fool around with a guy that was in an "open relationship", his BF was a doctor that worked long hours and didn't have much of a sex drive. His BF knew that we had sex, but I get the feeling that he never knew about him laying in my bed holding me for hours, or snuggling with me on my sofa watching movies, or taking me to dinner, or how he used to call me to check on me while I was driving to work. This guy did everything a boyfriend was supposed to do, but only he wasn't my boyfriend. The whole situation just got a little too awkward for me because I never felt I knew just how open their relationship really was. I eventually moved out of town and we fell out of touch.

I don't know, I just think open relationships are risky. You never know if he will fall for the other person, or if that person will fall for him. And I don't care what anyone says, it's human instinct to be jealous.

Our love and emotional bond is strong and I am actually not at all worried he will fall for one of these guys. For him, sex is sex and that's all there is to it for him. I have also talked to some of the guys he has been with on the side and I am pretty confident there is nothing more than the physical aspect...some of them don't even recall my partners name when I've talked to them. For me, I can understand the "sex is just sex and can be separated from love" part, it's the fact that I was lied to and deceived about it that really creates the emotional knot in my brain that I can't untangle.

[Anocxu]

This literature went on to state that gay men should discuss monogamy arrangements upfront and what constitutes fidelity and that gay men cannot (or should not) assume the same heteronormative construct and unspoken rule that sexual monogamy is a given.

There is no literature that will explain the dynamics of YOUR relationship. NONE!

YOU had to do an Internet research on YOUR boyfriend's behaviour..?
I could understand if this was a psychological condition. . It monogamy. .You two must have a serious conversation about this.. and if you two can't. .
You have to evaluate your relationship for what it is.

My guy went out and played (for a long time) without me knowing.

That's awful..
That is complete disregard of you..
Repeatedly?

He had the balls to cheat..repeatedly but couldn't come clean knowing it would hurt you?

Otherwise, we're really really in love, but he clearly cannot be monogamous.

I'm trying very hard to believe you..
He might love you..
But ..
Being in love carries the weight of empathy..

but he clearly cannot be monogamous.

He doesn't need to be..
He can walk all over you and you will accept him no matter what..

Unfortunately this is reflective of YOU.. Your standards.. and your self esteem..

I think he always probably wanted to be honest, but was too afraid of asking for an open arrangement maybe too fearful I would leave(?).

Thanks

There are 24 hours in a single day..
If you are spending minutes , hours or days trying to put YOUR mind at ease at the expense of some guy that refuses to approach you ..tell you about his needs.

Don't you get it..?
Your relationship would be totally different if he sat you down like an adult to give you the respect you deserve...

^^^^^^
Read the bold sentence about 10 times..
Is it sinking in yet?

No matter who and what you are..
The love of your life should be able to tell you about anything that threatens the relationship. .no matter what it is ..No matter who is at fault. .
OR..
Prepare to do things the hard way.. like you are now.

I remember your original post a few months back..

Pacific. .
You're not asking for blood..
Your guy sneaking around on Grindr behind your back ..especially when he knows it hurts you immensely is bad..

Message me if you're interested in a copy of my journal on slow poisoning. ..

Hugs..

[InbetweenDreams]

I'm trying very hard to believe you..
He might love you..
But ..
Being in love carries the weight of empathy..

I have certainly been there, it is blinding. I was with a guy for a year and a half but we became so close that I overlooked all the problems with our relationship.

Even now it is so easy to go head over heels over the guy I have been dating because while he is a great and wonderful guy, somewhere there's going to be something about him, I don't see it yet, I have been trying to figure him out the best that I can. I think it is good for both people in a relationship to be humbled, that you're both lucky to have each other and that both of you have flaws, make mistakes and so on.

However, PACIFIC, I have to agree though I don't think your boyfriend really any respect for you. Not trying to drive a wedge, but if it is allowed to continue I think it would have a big impact on you as person...more than you might be willing to admit. I have a feeling you might be in one way or another making excuses for this guy and for some reason putting him up on a pedestal. I'm not saying it is wrong to put people we love on a different level but at a certain point you have to stop lying to yourself. I hope I don't piss anyone off by this but I definitely think that there is trouble ahead.