Is this true of gay relationships?

[Pacific]

I read sexual activity outside of a primary relationship is "often" not considered a major offense in gay relationships where as most emphasis is placed on emotional fidelity and love, not solely on the sexual aspect. This literature went on to state that gay men should discuss monogamy arrangements upfront and what constitutes fidelity and that gay men cannot (or should not) assume the same heteronormative construct and unspoken rule that sexual monogamy is a given. What do you guys think of these statements? Agree? Disagree? Further input?

Now, to kind of apply this at a personal level, if two guys never had the discussion and the other one goes out and plays without my knowledge, how should I react? Should this be cause for breaking up? My guy went out and played (for a long time) without me knowing. Otherwise, we're really really in love, but he clearly cannot be monogamous. I think he always probably wanted to be honest, but was too afraid of asking for an open arrangement maybe too fearful I would leave(?).

Thanks

[jimcrackcorn]

A study conducted in San Francisco back in the 1970's indicated about 50% of gay couples were in open relationships. If we go by this study,,, then we can assume that about 50% are monogamous,, and the other 50% are in open relationships.

In either case,,, the boundaries of a relationship should be discussed, and both parties need to agree on what they expect & want in the relationship.

[Cuddly]

Heteronormative? Oh they mean knock someone up a couple of times, marry them, hane affairs and get divorced. Gotcha.

No but seriously, cheating and open relationships aren't limited to gay relationships. In any relationship there are rules, usually monogamy, flushing the toilet and having sex sometimes. If you didn't have a conversation about it, monogamy would be the default in my opinion. You don't have to break up with him, but you should talk about your goals and the direction your relationship is going.

[InbetweenDreams]

I know of one couple who have an open relationship, it works for them. I don't know how I feel about open relationships, haven't been in relationships long enough nor mature enough to really make a call.

I can say I never cheated on anyone I dated nor do I ever see myself doing so.

[johnny196775]

No it is not true of every gay couple.

[Pacific]

No it is not true of every gay couple.

But how would you react?

[Lexington]

Gay marriage is sort of a recent phenomenon. Up until recently, there was no real template for what a gay relationship was even "supposed to look like". Not that all straight marriages are "all one thing", but there at least seems to be more of a basic template that could be accepted or rejected.

Because of this, I think gay men are more likely to question and/or reject any and all aspects of a relationship - more so than their straight brethren. (I think this is similar to the idea that gay men are more likely to explore their kinks, fetishes and fantasies. Once they question the basic "I'm attracted to/have sex with women" idea, they're more likely to question everything else about their sex lives.) And that includes monogamy and fidelity. I think gay men are more likely to be in open relationships. Are they more likely to cheat - that is, have sex outside the relationship and hide it from their partner? That's a bit more debatable.

As far as your personal question - I don't see any problem with playing around, but I insist it has to be aboveboard. The problem wasn't where he was sticking his dick (or ass) - it was that he didn't tell you about it. He fell back on the adage that it's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission.

The main problem now is - you STILL don't know where you stand. You STILL don't know what he's doing. And you have every right to know. So, that said, what DO you want? Do you want to try to convince him to be monogamous? Do you want to put limits on his dalliances? Do you want to know the other guys? Do you want to know when he's having sex with other guys? All of these things need to be addressed.

Lex

[InbetweenDreams]

But how would you react?

For me it depends on the circumstance, I think it is easy to default to it doesn't matter the reason it's over. I think we're all human and are capable of making terrible mistakes. I think there's room for allowing once screw up. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. That's the way I look at it, but every situation is different. However, usually if there is cheating involved usually goes to hell sooner or later.

[Pacific]

Problem is, we've been through the process of making rules after I found out the first time, then those rules were not followed either. Basically, it is really wrong. However, I feel like I am being too harsh if most guys fall into this trap (?). Outside of this, other things tend to be very good between us.

[InbetweenDreams]

Well I don't know that you're being too harsh, some people have near zero tolerance other people are fine...It really comes down to a matter of what you're comfortable with. I myself would feel betrayed, especially if I tried making rules and whatnot...What were/are the rules?