Broke up after 2 years together

[Haerts]

Hey guys,

My ex and I broke up like 2 months ago, due trust issues. We'd been together for 2 years. I'm 26, he's 23. I'm his first boyfriend and he's also my first.

Our first year was very rocky, he use to lie, cheat, flirt with other guys right in front of me, often had a shady behavior; he confirmed all that a year into, when he cried very much and confessed all the mistakes he had done, and that he'd change. He changed, indeed, but I could never fully trust. Not during our first year, even less after that sh*t.

I broke up with him, he begged to come back, I accepted, and we had another year; which was better, but still, could never tell for sure. Then we broke up after I found out more of his lies.

A month after that we had a talk... and we got back together once again. It lasted a week. Then he dumped me stating things wouldn't work. I didn't fight back.

Now it's been another month and I can't stop missing him. Even with all his bad sides, there were great things about him which I miss everyday.

My relationship was clearly a very bad one, but why can't I let this guy go? We're on NC, I don't feel like talking to him, I'm not even stalking, I want it to be over, but he's always here. Like a ghost.

I'm eating well and healthy, exercising, sleeping well, keeping up with all my activities, I've been seeing other guys too, but none of it makes him disappear of my mind. What else can I do? I love that guy, but he's no good and I keep trying to convince myself that with no success.

How long does it take to get over someone? Why after all he put me through and after giving us up (even though he brought all the problems to our relationship) I can't accept it's over? I feel like I'd even give it another shot if he came for it...

[East]

I am sorry that you are hurting ...but in order to move on you have to take some responsibility for your failed relationship...

No one is EVER a "saint" in any relationship...so find out what part you played in this if you want to let it go and move on....

If you don't...you will repeat the same thing again until you figure it out....

Good Luck

[MikeW]

...My ex and I broke up like 2 months ago, ...How long does it take to get over someone? Why after all he put me through and after giving us up (even though he brought all the problems to our relationship) I can't accept it's over? I feel like I'd even give it another shot if he came for it...

As [MENTION=18508]East[/MENTION] said, you need to try and understand what YOU put into this failed relationship. It always takes two to tangle. So, indeed, what's up with this desire to get back into wha you no KNOW will be a disappointing (and emotionally abusive) relationship?

I suggest you NOT be a one time poster on this forum. We don't know you yet but over time if you just hang out and get to know some of us, perhaps we can help you unravel this mystery.

In the mean time, how long does it take to get over someone? It takes a s long as it takes. When there's been a relationship like this, its sort of like a death. There's a "mourning" period (even if you don't "mourn" in the standard sense of grieve the loss). Its like something, someone, you're used to being there, spending time with, is suddenly not there... so... your mind keeps "recreating" the ghost (so to say).

Well, ok... so how do you stop that? All I know is, each time you catch yourself thinking of him a) remind yourself WHY he's no good for you and b) tell your brain to STOP thinking about him. It takes practice, will power, discipline. Distract yourself with something else. IDK... *anything*... just practice not thinking about him.

Eventually that becomes easier and easier. Further on you'll discover that other things begin to interest you more than he does.

--------------

Now... all of that said.... I want to ask you a question: If you really "love this guy" how come you can't ACCEPT him for what and who he is? .... Accept him and feel totally ok about the fact that he is not and probably never will a) be truthful and b) will always want sex outside your relationship? How can you say you LOVE someone and yet not fully accept who and what they are?

[Darius]

You were in an intense two year relationship. Intense in both the good and bad. You loved him and now you need the time to grieve him. Don't feel guilty about that. Don't rush into another relationship until you have healed.

Don't let yourself become obsessed with him, assuming that hasn't already happened. Cut him completely out of your life, including not following him online, because things have already proven you are not a good match.

[Haerts]

[MENTION=20947]MikeW[/MENTION], [MENTION=18508]East[/MENTION], [MENTION=21957]Darius[/MENTION], thank you for your input.

[MENTION=18508]East[/MENTION] said, you need to try and understand what YOU put into this failed relationship. It always takes two to tangle. So, indeed, what's up with this desire to get back into wha you no KNOW will be a disappointing (and emotionally abusive) relationship?

That's the point. I don't understand. Because deep inside I know if we get back together, I'll be often wondering and questioning everything. Also, I know what my faults were, and the worst of them was expecting him to be exactly what I wished a bf to be - and sometimes requesting him to change. Eventually I started to accept him for how he is though. Afterall he dumped me because he couldn't handle the mistrust anymore, the mistrust that HE put into our relationship.

Now... all of that said.... I want to ask you a question: If you really "love this guy" how come you can't ACCEPT him for what and who he is? .... Accept him and feel totally ok about the fact that he is not and probably never will a) be truthful and b) will always want sex outside your relationship? How can you say you LOVE someone and yet not fully accept who and what they are?

I wish it was that easy. I accepted many, many things from him which I thought I would never, including the fact he isn't trustworthy and flirted with other guys. I do love him, and even after all these things I don't agree with, even with everyone telling me to walk away, I always stayed and went through every single thing, even when I was hurting and doubtful. Still he was the one to walk out on me. He disrespected me in many ways. It leads me to think that he didn't really love me afterall.

So how could a relationship succeed if only one of the sides is actually trying?

He's immature, so am I. Still got lots to learn and perhaps the break up happened for that. Still wish I could find a way to make everything alright. I really thought I'd spend the rest of my life with him.

[SilverBullet]

Hey buddy,
Im about in the same boat :S, honestly all I can say is time, just takes time and lots of it.
I had a relationship with my first bf for about two years as well and I loved him too much, I have never gotten over him ;P dated some guys but I never got the warm loving feeling again. Now its like one day every two weeks I get this super sad all encompassing lonely feeling but it was like every other day so I guess that is improvement! ^_^ *doesn't help living alone :S* humans need people to hug damn it!

My advice, don't get bored, stay busy! Hang out with friends/family as much as you can, pick up a hobbie/(s) and do things you enjoy as much as possible! Its rare to find true love but it happens and if it can happen once it can happen twice and the next may love you back as much as you him!

take care!

[InbetweenDreams]

My advice like the hobbies...do something different. Being bored will certainly cause you much unneeded grief. An idle mind is a devil's workshop...

I know about this time last year I didn't think I would be doing a triathlon tomorrow... or had plans to do bike touring among other things.

However doing all those things doesn't stop me from looking back at things and just wished things were different. So I don't think of it as a cure but it does help, better than self loathing and self pity. I mean I could really hate myself over the things I've said and done, I think there are grounds for that. However, I don't think sulking about it will contribute to making me a better person, I think that would be goal... Learn from mistakes and try to better myself.

I always get advice saying, never date your exes. I will say almost always that is sound advice, almost always the reasons for moving on are still present. It's not that people don't change, they do, just not completely... Like I'm an INFJ...expecting me to become an ESFP is like expecting to win the lottery...

Oh and INFJ and ESFP are the worst match ever...I dated one earlier this year...by the end I wanted to put a ball gag in his mouth...and not for kinky reasons!

I don't think there is a way to really get over things from a relationship...I mean I have dated guys who I wished things would have worked out for the long haul but for one reason or another just wasn't a match. Kind of like being one number off the lottery...Mother...Friggin...sunnova! Time is the only thing that seems to work. I do believe there are stages, but it can take some time, but once you can reflect, truly reflect I think that's the point where you can let things go and not let it control you and bring you down.

Hmmm...well I think trying something new and perhaps bizzare would be in order.. Many many things I have done this year I didn't think I would enjoy. Only problem now is that I have too many hobbies and not enough room... I think anyone walking in here would say, "Single much?"

Anyway hopefully the responses here can help with moving on to bigger and better things...hey you're 26...I'm turning 30 in a couple weeks!

[TomStatic]

Best way to get over someone is go on a few mad night outs get drunk make out with many guys

[princealbertofb]

Best way to get over someone is go on a few mad night outs get drunk make out with many guys

Not sure that works for everyone, but it may work for some.

[Haerts]

Best way to get over someone is go on a few mad night outs get drunk make out with many guys

I've tried that right after the break up, didn't work for me. In 3 weeks, I had sex with 8 guys and made out with about 16. After each of them, I would regret it because it didn't feel right. So I stopped. It's been almost a month since I last had sex and I've been hanging out with this guy every now and then, who's nicer, more attractive and we have a lot more in common than I did with my ex; but I still can't stop thinking about him.