Hard recover after breakup

[Phantom]

Hello guys.

Once again, I need to talk. I have posted here before, many of you could find my story.
Again, I am in a terrible mess but I will try to present everything short and concise.

I already overcame my unrequited love which was subject of my last topic here. As they say when a door closes a new one opens. This is how I met my new (now ex) boyfriend.

It was a lovely spring day. We met for a coffee, a long walk afterwards and then made love at his place. All happened spontaneous, everything was perfect. I am 31 he is 54. Don't let our age difference to shock you, we just matched in many ways. We kept seeing each other afterwards and we started dating seriously. That was in April. We were talking about an exclusive 1-1 relationship. He replied that he was not looking for a relationship until July before his gay cruise holiday finished. Because he booked it many months before we met and he simply wanted to enjoy it fully. I was stupid and agreed just to date each other. Meanwhile he changed his Grindr intro (I am dating someone, please respect that) and introduced me as his bf to his closest people.

After his holiday finished we commited to 1-1 relationship. He put this on facebook. Everybody was happy for us. However, things were not meant to last. Sexually and socially we were too different. He is hedonistic, I am a home guy. I am not a fan of the anal sex while he is sexually active. Many mornings while I was sleeping he started to initiate sex. As I was not responsive (because I was still sleeping) he retreated. Of course we had sex on other occasions but not in the mornings.

A week before we parted he said that he would go to a gay club with friends just for dancing. He did not want me to attend as it was not my thing and I would not enjoy, but he offered to meet me in the city centre for a drink before the club. He was dressed sleazy and wearing thongs. I found a sachet of lube in his pocket. Dont get me wrongly, I am not a paranoic person who examines everything. The bar was gay friendly and we had our drinks hugged. I put my hand in his pocket and so on... I was shattered. Many guys stabbed me in the back before. Now I felt I am betrayed again.

Few days after we broke up I found him on scruff. I asked him was that his way of grieving and he blocked me.

Now we are separated. I found out that he had sex with a guy while we were in a 1-1 relationship. I am shattered and depressed. I am load with anger. I want to hurt him. I want him to suffer. I am so full with aggression that I am afraid I could do something silly. We are still chatting on whatsapp. I have many questions and he beats around the bush. This is driving me nuts. I cant love anymore. I am empty.

I don't blame him for his attitude. I allowed this to happen. I always had low self confidence and self esteem. Thats why everybody treats me bad.

I hope to hear from you. Not necessarily to be a piece of advice. I just wanted to pour oout my feelings and get different points of view.

Thank you in advance.