Sex might end my relationship - please help!

[rroepcke]

Hey guys,

So I have been with my monogamous partner for almost three years now and we have had some major ups and downs, but the latest issue is one that feels like it might finally end us.

Essentially, the issue is sex, or lack of it. In the middle of last year my partner discovered he had contracted HPV (and naturally, had given it to me - he was my first sexual partner), we went on a course of Aldara (also known as imunoquil, I think) and it seemed to be effective in clearing it up - unfortunately for me it also gave me chemical burns and being the bottom, sex for me was quite uncomfortable for a few months after. Trying to be cooperative, I kept trying to have sex in the hope that eventually bottoming would feel good again, but it hasn't.

In about May this year, things got worse, while trying to have sex, something tore and I ended up with a pretty severe fissure - there was a significant amount of blood and I had to go to the hospital and get stitched up.

After this, sex was off the table for a good three months. To be honest, I was relieved. The idea of bottoming again repulsed me - even watching porn with penetration made me think of pain and blood, rather than pleasure. After those three months, I lied to my partner to buy myself another month of no sex, the idea of it just didn't feel good to me. I knew it would cause a bigger issue if I said I didn't want to do it - so I said the doctor said it would be best to wait one more month.

That month passed and I figured it was time to try again - but it still didn't feel good, and on top of that I was having trouble maintaining an erection. Because of the pressure and shame to perform I started avoiding sex almost altogether. I was still affectionate - just not into the penetration part.

I decided to go to a sexual health clinic and get tested for hormone levels, any additional STI's and another check - I am now waiting on all results, and if physically I am fine, will go to counselling to work through these issues.

On top of this, I have recently started on invisaligns - clear retainers that have to be worn 22 hours a day. We would start getting into making out and before sucking, I'd have to take them out - by the time that was done my partner would tell me the mood was gone.

Anyway, the past two weeks my partner has been very distant and when I began speaking with him about what he's thinking he told me he isn't happy and he can't bear the idea of a relationship with no penetrative sex - I explained that I kind of feel like I don't want to be the bottom any more and he started crying and said it was a dealbreaker. He has cried one other time in the 3 years we've been together so this must be a huge deal for him.

We kept talking and somehow I said that we could keep trying - and there is a part of me that wants to bottom again - I just don't know when that will be.

Now I'm not sure what to do, our relationship hasn't been the same since that conversation and I've thought about opening the relationship, but I don't think I could do that. I'm scared of him A: bringing home another bout of disease that would end up having a worse effect on me and B: him falling for someone else.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Do you think we should call it quits so I can use the time to resolve my issues and finish healing my body without these extra pressures of needing to please someone else? I'm really unsure of what to do.

[InbetweenDreams]

Well it is possible you still might be healing and while I'm not a doctor might never be the same, there's also the psychological effect. When you say it doesn't feel good are you still in pain? That might mean you're still not healed or something else is wrong.

I guess from my perspective and being single...not having sex I still feel that it is kind of a downer that your partner is more worried about having sex than allow you more time to heal.. I get it...sex is awesome but there's plenty more to a good relationship than just sex.

I am however, hesitant to tell you to leave. I definitely suggest for the sake of your health to abstain from bottoming until you're completely healed and are comfortable.

[rroepcke]

Hey Axle, thanks for your response. It's not painful so much as it is tense. Because I'm expecting pain, I find it hard to relax and in turn that makes it painful.

For me sex has never really been a driver - I'm 25 and was a virgin up until 22... it's just never been something I've had to have - don't get me wrong, it's great, but not something I would risk either my health or emotions for what I feel is a fleeting release.

For my partner though, it's something he thinks is important. He's said to me we are like best friends, but feels as though the sex is missing and making him unhappy. My biggest priority in this is making sure we can both be happy in the long term - and I feel as though I'm unable to do that at this point.

[TwisttheLeaf]

Going full on blunt......

1) He should have been patient and allowed you to heal FULLY from the burns. And YOU should have been open and honest about what progress (or lack of progress) was happening in that department.

2) Something tore. Severe fissure.
Are you guys using lube? Because it sounds like you need to be using a LOT more lube than however much you're using now.

3) You say you're trying again but not enjoying. Are you HEALED YET?? If not, then you both need to practice some patience until you are fully healed.

4) "he told me he isn't happy and he can't bear the idea of a relationship with no penetrative sex"

So.... this isn't a love relationship? And, either way, he should be able to deal with lack of penetrative sex at LEAST long enough to allow you to heal properly.

5) AGAIN. Let yourself HEAL FULLY inside. I'm serious. I can't stress this enough. You want to enjoy penetration again? You have to be fully healed or you'll just make it worse. And if he doesn't have that kind of patience then he's not worth holding onto anyway. His first concern shouldn't be if he can stick his dick in you, but rather about your health.

6) IF after a complete examination that clears you health-wise (not just STIs, but also that you are fully healed on the inside), and you still aren't enjoying it? I agree counseling is a good idea.

But, really? I think you BOTH need it. Together. Because you both should be more concerned with your health than about whose dick can be shoved where whenever he wants.

[Shawn]

Wow, this is such a big issue, not easy to resolve, but I think, that in some point you have to put yourself first, I mean try to really see what's going on you, so wait for those results, and then decide.

meanwhile...

Try to think what kind of relationship are you having... are you the one who's giving more? because a healthy relationship is when things are balanced, and if you feel that you're the one that have to do more to keep things going... maybe is time to reconsider where your relationship has gone.

Sex doesn't have to be a big deal if you relationship is strong and he complements you in every other thing else... and also you can try other stuffs.

(btw, it's nice to find people who lost their virginity that old, informs me that I'm not the only one. I lost it at 20, almost 21)

... And sorry about my english I'm latinoamerican, and still learning the language haha

[Cuddly]

I agree with Twisttheleaf.

I went on to read a bit more about aldara (imiquimod). The reviews are very mixed, but you're definately not the only one experiencing severe burns because of it.

A thing that bothers me is that HE brought home the virus that puts you through hell and then, to top it off, HE is inconvenienced by the fact that he can't put his dick in you. He caused it, the least he can do is to make sure you're getting better and have the support you need.
What a douche!!!!!!

[rroepcke]

Thanks for all of your responses guys

TwistTheLeaf With the Aldara, I wasn't aware that the burning also goes beneath the surface at the time and I did wait a solid month after completing treatment before attempting sex again (the recommended guideline). and it wasn't painful at that time and was more tight and uncomfortable than it was painful. I originally assumed the lack of sex meant I had tightened up, as prior to the treatment we had never gone more than a week or so without sex. And as for lube we were using the same as we always had - I think just the tightness, combined with an inability to relax on my part meant that the injury could happen.

After the last conversation I said I would go to the doctors and get a full check over, inside and out to give me the all-clear and until then sex is on hold. I do agree with your other points though. For me, I'd be happy with the companionship, support and affection. And that's what frightens me - perhaps these injuries have just amplified the fundamental difference between us?

Shawn, please don't apologise for your English, you're doing great (even better than some Australians).

I guess in our relationship, I've generally always been the one to step up and do more. But that's not because he's not interested - he's just incredibly driven, ambitious, and accomplished. But that has been a good thing - it's made me step up, try more and as a result have made great strides in my professional life (and also in terms of my confidence).

That said though, I feel as though this hurdle has highlighted a big difference between us; that for me, sex is more secondary.

Cuddly I know - the reviews are awful, and if I had known before that it would mean these consequences, I would never have used it in the first place. It has part of me wondering if I will ever enjoy sex again.

And yeah, haha, I do kind of feel like he's a douche. But me being angry at him doesn't help the situation or resolve anything. I gave him a solid month of hell when I found out I had the virus; as someone who avoided casual sex for fear of STI's - this is almost a nightmare for me.

[Cuddly]

Cuddly I know - the reviews are awful, and if I had known before that it would mean these consequences, I would never have used it in the first place. It has part of me wondering if I will ever enjoy sex again.

I'm sure you will. Just give it the time it needs to heal and you'll be fine.
As for the horrible sideeffects, think of it this way; genital warts for life or a month of hell? You owe it to yourself and all your future sex partners to get rid of them. Both so you can enjoy sex fully, knowing that you are not spreading STIs, but also so that they don't have to go through the ordeal that you did not.

You've done the right thing, for sure.

[TigerLover]

Ok no offence buddy but you and your Bf need to calm the heck down.

It's only natural that you would have these problems after what you've been through. Some part of your brain has associated anal sex with infections and painful chemical burns. So it's no surprise that you're tensing up.

As long as everything is physically in tact and it's only this inability to relax that's preventing you from enjoying penetrative sex then frankly breaking up would be a ridiculous nuclear option.

Now you could go talk to a therapist or maybe try couples councilling if you can talk your boyfriend into it.

But maybe also try:

• scented candles
  
• playing sachmo at low volume in the background
  
• Getting your partner to give you a massage.
  
• Regularly fantasising about all the good sex you've had with your partner in the past.
  
• Watching pornography together
  
• taking a relaxing soapy bath just before sex.
  

This literally just a list off the top of my head. Try these things before you decide to break up. But I'm sure that there are plenty of things you already know that help relax you. So try them and most all be patient.

[InbetweenDreams]

It sounds like you're not really a sexual person to begin with, some people just aren't all bonkers about sex. That's ok. I think [MENTION=20738]TwisttheLeaf[/MENTION] 's raised all good points. I think if a boyfriend can't handle not having sex to me raises some serious questions about the relationship...

LIke I said in my post might sound kind of one sided since I'm single and I therefore have no sex, I don't do one night stands or feel the need to (although at time I feel that I want to, then I jerk off and don't care anymore). It just doesn't sound like he's thinking about the long haul and being a bit selfish.

On the other hand you definitely need to be healed, you definitely need to be relaxed and definitely need to be using more lube. The only way to be relaxed is to be comfortable and be sure that you're healed and get there by trying things like [MENTION=22948]TigerLover[/MENTION] mentioned.

What I will say is I am a little concerned about your bf and him having this big issue with lack of sex, to me that's a big red flag.

In hindsight brings the relevance to the other thread about this guy's bf testing him with not having sex for a month. I don't think many guys think about the possibility of not having sex with their boyfriend. Me...there many many things I'd do to "get my kicks" besides sex with my partner, I mean if you ask me anal is just one thing, oral is another thing...

One question I wonder, how often did you two have sex?