Sex might end my relationship - please help!

[kindy64]

sounds like you need to reintroduce yourself to anal... plenty of lube, start small, work your way up, and all that... fingers, toys, real thing...

as far as the relationship issues, more talk, or therapy.

[CorsacReborn]

I think your boyfriend is being selfish, if he really cared then the lack of sex while you get better shouldn't be an issue. He is effectively turning an issue that needs to medically get better so that you can get back to your normal activity and making it all about the lack of sex he is having. He shouldn't be acting like a victim at all considering that he is part of the reason you've had some issues. You shouldn't put up with his attitude towards his need for sex, if he can't respect you when you're in need then I'm sure there are other things he is doing to disrespect you also that you have not mentioned.

Any issues with the anus needs to be taken with caution, and healing in that area can be a very slow process so you need to be patient for anything like tears to heal. I'd go as far as making sure you're diet prevents any constipation and using wet/baby wipes to help clean gently when you do your business, and avoiding anal sex until you are 100% sure that it is healed. That doesn't prevent oral sex if you still wanted to do that so there is still pleasure to be had.

[Gideon]

The fact that he doesn't care enough about your welfare to put your safety and well being above his own pleasure just spells S-E-L-F-I-S-H. I mean seriously, all the rest aside, this much, for me would be a huge red flag. That you were not only infected but damaged and he -still- pressures you...gives you an ultimatum in fact to perform? Yeah man, I'd say it's probably time to move on.

Or time for him to appreciate you enough to start putting you first at least some of the time.

I am in love with Twist....with or without sex, I'm still in love with him. And I've had it both ways. Doesn't change how I feel, doesn't change that he comes first and his safety comes before EITHER of our pleasure.

[princealbertofb]

Would it be feasible and thinkable to get into intercrural sex instead of penetrative? There is such a thing, and it seems to give some gays, who don't like anal sex or the idea of anal sex, the right sort of pleasure.
Much else has been offered, [MENTION=20888]rroepcke[/MENTION], as advice, so I won't second what others have said; I am a little surprised, though, that your partner did not see what a big issue your health is, and why you need to preserve yourself (and by that, he would be preserving himself too).
Dare I say that, since you've worded these qualms so well to us, you just use the same ideas to have that serious talk with him. You might even bring up the idea of the open relationship. Let him tell you that he's not interested in that kind of relationship, in which case he will need to learn patience, and / or other ways of making love to you.

[rroepcke]

Hey guys - thanks so much for all of your responses and tips. It really helps me to suss out what I'm thinking/feeling with alternate perspectives.

I just sat down with my partner to talk through a few of these tips and how I've been feeling. It didn't go incredibly well.

Instead of being understanding when I told him my issues he responded with anger. The chat came about because I'd just declined sex (because I'm still waiting on all of my results) and he just wouldn't take in anything of what I had to say.

'I feel like after the results come back things will get better, but then will get worse again. I don't feel like you want to have sex with me anymore. I don't think in the long run this will work because I don't feel like you want to do it with me - so even if we have sex I will second guess if you're doing it because you want to, or for me.' is along the lines of what he said. I think he feels as though I'm doing this on purpose. I just want him to be happy.

Now he's asleep in bed. I'm on the couch. I feel a bit ashamed - maybe this wasn't the best time to talk about this stuff, after declining him. It must make him feel undesirable. But at the same time I kind of feel like if this is what his outlook is and what he's feeling then this will go no where.

I don't know what to do.

[princealbertofb]

Sorry to hear it didn't go well, and he wasn't listening to what your concerns were. The fact was that it probably wasn't the right time to discuss this after declining sex. Why is it not possible to initiate a different kind of sex than anal? He still sounds very needy. Or maybe he has other issues, which he is not being honest or open about. It's not always easy to know what's going on in some other person's mind. Just remind him that you love him, in the meantime?

[rroepcke]

Thanks [MENTION=1766]princealbertofb[/MENTION]. I decided to bring it up because whenever I decline sex he tends to shut me out - until I ask what is wrong or what he's feeling. Instead of copying the same routine I thought it might be time for him to hear what I'm feeling. I sound like I may have been blunt, but did approach it with tact and respect.

I tried to hug him and give him a kiss before I left the room. I just don't think he wants a bar of it (sorry if that last sentence makes no sense...could be an Aussie saying). And is very much wrapped up in his own thoughts at the moment.

[Darius]

Your bf is an asshole. Buy him a fleshlight and tell him trying kissing that.

[princealbertofb]

Ok, here are my thoughts @rroepcke. If spoken words can't get to him, I think you need to write this down and leave it around for him to read, take it in calmly when there isn't an issue of rejection or of sex being declined.

I also think the way you have described your quandary, and your fears has been well put across to all of us on here and that maybe you could just use some of what you've already written and explained here to say it to him -- in writing. Now. you can edit any parts that you think he doesn't need to hear, like maybe things that could sound critical of his behaviour, which might not help you bond again, because the goal is not to distend this relationship any more than it already is, at this point.

As for how to get the written message to him, you could choose several methods.
- send him an e-mail,
- leave an envelope on the kitchen table or the bedside table for him to pick up when you are not around,
- or maybe confide in a friend who has your best interest at heart and ask them to read it to him.

But I think you have to remove yourself from the physical space (home) or wherever this is going to be received and read, which should give him time to read it and take some of it or all of it in without him being able to talk to you or shout at you or whatever. Let it sink in.

You should tell him about your fears, your pain (definitely), your hopes and the love that you still feel for him. If his answer doesn't get any closer to mending the relationship, well, maybe that's your cue that you'd better both be each on your own, unless an open relationship is a path that you'd both consider (and provided that would fix it, at least for him).

Remind him that sex has other options which could be enjoyed by both of you until you can get back into your previous sex games (if at all). Use strong words, like 'rape', if necessary. But try to keep in mind how that might reflect on him while he's reading it.

Take care not to lay any blame on him that would make him feel uncomfortable, and acknowledge the fact that your surgery has impacted both of your lives in a way that you aren't happy about, but keep it about you and how you feel. If he's got a heart or a brain, he'll get it. I hope. Part of me still thinks that he should be the one being sorry and telling you he is. But maybe he really is clueless.

[princealbertofb]

Your bf is an asshole. Buy him a fleshlight and tell him trying kissing that.

Yes, maybe, [MENTION=21957]Darius[/MENTION], but too strong, and not helpful. Frustrating as the situation may be. This needs to be about reaching communication rather than endangering it.