Would you agree to have a „girlfriend” in order to hide your orientation?

[cormeum]

I’m so glad I have this place where I can ask for an advice. I’ve been receiving attention from a girl for a while now. She is a friend of my friend’s girlfriend, a very nice person and she told me she liked me. I’ve tried to be as polite as I can about it and show her that I’m not interested in her romantically. I’m really bad with things like these. No one has ever told me they liked me so I don’t really know how to react.

I was out with my friends the other day and she was there too. This one guy friend that I have started bombarding me again with questions about why am I single and what the hell is wrong with me. Later everyone else started to dance and snuggle and I was just sitting alone with my drink. She came and asked me to go with her as she wanted to talk to me about something. We went outside and walked for a while and she then was like: „ Listen, I know you’re gay.” I was so surprised about how easy she said it and I was like: „ Why do you think I’m gay? ” She told me that she felt it from the moment she saw me and now she has been watching me long enough to make her own conclusions.

Since she put it like that, I didn’t see a point in denying it and I said that yes, I am gay. She was very understanding about it and she said she could help me. I was like „ How can you help me, you cannot turn me straight, you know.” She said that she didn’t meant that but she sees that this guy is harassing me all the time about why I don’t have a girlfriend and it’s only a matter of time until he realizes the real reason, he’s not stupid. She offered to pretend to be my girlfriend, pretend that we’re a couple so that all the annoying questions from my friends would stop and they wouldn’t think that I might be gay.

I didn’t know what to say. From one side it seems like a good deal. She’s understanding about gay people and wants to help me to hide my orientation from my homophobic friends. It’s very generous from her. But then – I don’t know about it. I’d feel like I’m using her. She has her own life to live and she shouldn’t waste it around me, as I can never be a real boyfriend to her. I think that maybe somewhere deep inside she might have this hope that even though I'm gay, I could start to really fall in love with her while playing this „couple” game, don’t you think? I wouldn't want to break her heart or hurt her in any way.

I didn’t give her an answer yet, she told me to take my time to think about it. We went back inside where our friends were, I sat down again and she sat next to me and cuddled up to me. It felt weird, to be honest, I’ve never had another person this close to me. Then I saw this guy, my friend, watching us and he smiled with this look „well done, dude” or something. I think he believed I’ve got something with this girl.

So what would you do in my place? Would you agree to be together with a female in order to hide your orientation?

[meridannight]

Man, your friends are total assholes. Notwithstanding the fact that you're homosexual, no man has to answer to his friends why he's single or not hooking up with anybody. There are plenty of bachelor straight guys out there too.

This isn't so much about finding a way to mislead your ''friends'' about your sexuality (I understand that in Russia, it's not a smart thing to do to come out). This is establishing boundaries with your buddies. They need to back the fuck off and stop nosing in your business. It's out of line to insinuate that there is something wrong with you just because you are not dating or hooking up. And next time one of them drops a word about it you need to reciprocate in kind. ''What's wrong with me? What's wrong with you that my sex life is so important to you? Mind the fuck your own business and stay out of my way''. That's how. Don't just let them run you down -- even if it's done indirectly -- you need to step up and let it be known it'll be a lot worse for them to continue to harass you with pointless questions that aren't their business to begin with.

If necessary, it might mean, that if they don't leave you alone you might have to punch one of them, to get the message across, if that's what it takes. With some guys there is no other way, unfortunately. They won't realize they're being total dicks and won't alter their behavior until they get a black eye from someone.

They are completely out of line with their behavior and crossing their boundaries. Forget having a pretend girlfriend. You need to do something about the situation where your buddies think they can treat you that way. Be aware of this -- it will never stop, not even with your fake girlfriend, if you don't establish your limits with them in this regard.

[Zen]

Hi mate. I can't pretend to know how bad things are in Russia right now for Gay people. You sound like a really great guy for caring about this girl's feelings. And she sounds really awesome for wanting to help you out like that. Maybe she is really attracted to you and hopes that she can "turn" you straight. Like Merdiannight says your friends don't sound very nice, but if you are living somewhere that accepts homophobia then it is difficult for these guys to be any other way. On the other hand though, from your previous posts it sounds like you are really lonely and just having a friend that you can be yourself around, that you can say aloud to "yeah I'm gay" is a pretty special thing. At the moment, I've got a lot of support from some nice female friends helping me get through things. Women are great support and great listeners. Even if you don't want to go down the fake relationship route, just having a friend like her could be a good thing? These are just my thoughts and I hope you don't think that I am overstepping the line with my suggestion.

[Bookworm]

Perhaps you could just be friends with her, and if you are hanging out with her as a friend and doing things together, others may perceive things differently in that you are now an 'item' without necessarily having to lie outright. But I can foresee problems with this scenario; if she does actually have feelings for you and is hoping for a chance for things to develop romantically, she may begin to resent the deception and things could backfire with her trying to 'out' you to your friends possibly?
If she is sincere and she is happy to just be friends it could still get awkward maintaining the front.

It just wouldn't sit right with me. It's a shame your friends couldn't just leave you be and stop harassing you about having a girlfriend! She sounds like a lovely, well-intentioned girl. Maybe just let your friends know that you are just friends with her for now to see how things go, and just keep 'seeing how things go' going longer, if that makes sense. That way, you don't really have to lie. Just my thoughts.

[deephiance]

In times when homosexuality was frown upon in Australia, I feigned interest in females and even at one point I was engaged to be married.

Is that the right thing to do?

I don't know, but at the time it seemed like it was the best thing for me to do to protect myself.

Not long after I proposed to the lady who conveniently lived in another country and I met during my travels, I was confronted with questions about my sexuality which resulted in me coming out.

The result of that, I was accepted, I didn't lose any friends or family...but if I had lost them, I would have to question weather they were really friends to begin with.

The answer to your question...Unfortunately it is hard to fathom was may be right or wrong for you, but what I can suggest is follow your gut instinct and do what is right/safe for you to do.

[deephiance]

Just a little trivia, in the western world in days of old, a woman that agreed to pretend to be the girlfriend of a gay man was called a 'Beard'

A man that pretends to be a woman boyfriend is also called a beard

You're welcome

[Doc]

Ive dated women in the past and I say go for it. This is actually really good because she knows your gay and you arent deceiving her in anyway. Having a girlfriend was really fun sometimes and its always nice to have a friend. You guys can have alot of fun even without sex. I would say do it, and just think of it as having a friend that you trust with your biggest secret.

[TwisttheLeaf]

If I lived in a country where it was illegal to be gay and I might be arrested and/or executed for it?

Yes

I don't live in one of those countries, and I don't hide who I am or what I like. If someone doesn't like it enough to make an issue out of it, then they can fuck off because they sure as hell aren't a friend.

[TigerLover]

I'm not going to sit here in a liberal English city lecturing you on honesty and the importance of being open. Only you know your situation and whether the lie is justified.

Are you in significant danger of being attacked or arrested if you were found out?
How well can you defend yourself if one of your friends decides to attack you for being gay?
Can you trust this girl, she might just be trying to elicit a confession?

Honestly from what the BBC has told me about Russia I think the smart thing to do is to take this girl up on her offer. BUT if you do be aware that she is only buying you time. Do not get complacent.

You must slowly distance yourself from these "friends" and find new proven liberal friends. Maybe move to a new city. Or alternatively get the fuck out of Russia and head West. Either way if you're ever going to be happy you need a permanent solution to this problem.

[meridannight]

Also, you have to realize that if you take her up on her offer to be pretend couple, you're gonna have to do more active lying than just some cuddles and smiling at each other when you two are around your friends. They're gonna be asking you what she's like in bed, and things like how often you do it, if she goes down on you and/or swallows, and other things like that. Can you really keep up a straight face when confronted with those questions? Can you invent a story about what you two did in bed last night?

I want you to be aware that it's not gonna stop at just having a girlfriend. When you're out with your friends and they look at and comment on women, you're expected to contribute. You're expected to know what it is you like about them, what you want to do to them, and all the specifics. It amounts to little less than completely negating a part of who you are. Do you really want to do that to yourself? It won't be or feel pleasant by any standard.

Additionally, as others have mentioned, there is a real chance that she will get attached to you in a counter-productive way, and that will create more problems than it'll solve, and might make things even more difficult for you in the long run.


I do understand that in such an environment you have to be acutely aware of physical threats to your safety, and -- let's be honest -- your ''friends'' are a threat to your physical safety. But creating a fake relationship doesn't really solve this problem either. It's more about self-assertion. And it's also about changing (i.e. leaving) the environment you are in.