Relationship crisis over sex issues

[solenescorpio]

I need some advice, or maybe just vent.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 14 months now. We´re in love, and I´d really like to grow along with him and stay together for a long time.

The problems are sexual. To the point: Before him, I used to define myself as "versatile top", or mostly top. With him I learned to fully enjoy bottoming. It just happened. And he didn´t seem eager to bottom right away but we liked each other, I was enjoying a new spectrum of my sexuality, and with time we fell in love and commited to each other.

But not being able to top him frustrates me, more and more as time passes. We do try from time to time, but he doesn´t really enjoy it and does it just to please me. Never fully relaxes or gives up control. He´s in inner conflict, then I´m unaroused by his lack of pleasure and comfort, and it ends up in frustration.

We talked it over, and he says he wants to change it and wants to make me happy and learn to enjoy himself, and that he doesn´t want to lose me over this. But I´m at a total loss and don´t know what to do anymore. I don´t want to force a change on him, and the thought of accepting we´re sexually incompatible hurts too much. And he does say he wants to improve and wants to work it out. But I don´t even feel like trying anymore, I´ve tried everything.

And I´m tired, and kinda losing faith and strenght. Even if he does work out his personal issues about it with time, I feel like I´ve endured enough...
-I waited for him to figure out his feelings and coming to terms with his sexuality, and being able to tell he loves me months after I did.
-I waited for him when he went away for a job abroad for three months, never had such a long celibacy period since I´m sexually active.
-I waited for him to come out to his family and be at ease with me being part of his life.

And now this, I think I can´t take it.

And I love him.
And tonight we didn´t talk and I miss him and need to type this instead.
And I don´t know what to do

[peterinmalaga]

I think it might help him if he had a butt plug and kept it in when he's at home for 10, 20, 30 minutes each day. This website may help:
Butt plug - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

[marshlander]

It took me much longer than fourteen months to learn to appreciate being the receptive partner. If you can believe he wants to give himself to you what can you do but trust that he'll get there eventually? In the meantime I also found that a bit of extra private homework helped. I didn't find a butt plug as useful as a dildo and plenty of lubrication for helping me work out what was (and wasn't) going on. Start small ... good luck.

[virgo3916]

I think sexually issue between gay men are a bigger issue than we admit. I have been in a relationship for 18 years and we don't have any passion in bedroom anymore. Our encountered are stressed and centered around me pleasing him. I know there is attraction but I can't get what I need from him which is more tenderness and fourplay. We have tried 3 ways and the open relationship thing, which he loves. I watch him display a passion for someone else that then ends up really hurting me. This is a hard one definitely as I feel shallow for thinking the sex should be better and I think about getting out which is very scary as well.

[Sil]

I know what you're going through as I'm having the same problems myself. It's tough when you want something your partner doesn't; from when I asked people about this same issue they said - perseverance and communication. It helps to know what he's feeling physically, why he doesn't like it, which is what I'm trying to figure out right now.

The last resort is an open relationship where you can explore your top side with your boyfriend's consent, which may or may not work for you depending on your openess and strength of your relationship. Getting him to relax could be something of a challenge in a good way and imagine the reward when it pays off.

[The Virgin]

don't be bothered about that too much... good thing he's trying he's best... and you said you like being bottom right? why not go with just that?

[jamiebfd]

i had the same problem with an ex partner except he gave up trying eventually because it hurt him.
i had to accept that in our relationship i would be bottom.

it did my head in really bad but i got used to it and eventually figured out theres much more than just anal sex.
although its great and i see no reason why people shouldnt want it all the time lol.

if you enjoy being bottom with him then stick to that.
just dont let it mess with your head like i did to start with.

i began feeling like i was dominated by him and effeminate n a sence.
i got over it but it was a very difficult time for me.
i was really confused etc.

hope my experiences lend a hand xx

[simon]

sounds to me he is trying,the stuff you list is all well and good but you hardly can hold that against him and expect some kind of pay back,he may never want to bottom,I think you need to let it go and just get on with loving each other,it will take the pressure of him and you.

[The Virgin]

does it bother you so much and miss being the top? you can try having some little side affairs just for the sake of it, perhaps....

[Triangle1]

I think he would probably like to bottom, but for some people (like me), it's just plain uncomfortable. So you're never really in a mood to be extremely uncomfortable, so it never goes anywhere. It probably has nothing to do with you at all.