08-10-2010, 08:42 PM
Hey guys! I've had this on my mind for a couple days now, and I just really need someone to talk to and just express how I feel. I'm a 17 year old boy.
I did a show last December at my local community theatre, and it had just ended. By late December we had the final cast party, which is where it all started. There was a boy who played the lead who was rumored to be gay... and of course, there were rumors about me also. During the party we ended up sitting beside each other on the couch, and he started playing with my hair. I got signs that he was... and that maybe I should tell him about me. Later that night... all the beds were taken so we had to take the floor. It was dark and he started to kiss me. This was my first kiss... and WITH A GUY. I didn't really know what to do, but I just went with it because I really liked it. The night went on just kissing and talking lol. In the morning it was fine and we said our goodbyes and stuff.
Like a couple weeks later we went to go see a movie (Avatar actually). When we were there we kissed. I was kind of uncomfortable because I didn't want to upset anyone else in the theatre. My mind was so set on the kissing that if you asked me anything about the movie... I wouldn't know (just that there's blue people). After the movie he came over. Things happened.
The next day he texted me saying he thinks we did that too soon, and I agreed. About a month ago... he started talking about the "date" we had at the movies. I said I didn't know it was a date. I think he got quite upset about it... but he offered to go on an actual date. I declined.
I was really scared. I just came out in December after the party, and I felt really new to everything. I never even went on dates with girls, so I was really nervous. But I declined, and he said okay he understands. By the way, my mom doesn't know... but she's said before she it doesn't matter who I love. I was kind of afraid to tell her that I was gay though.
ANYWAY. Months went by... and this July I apologized to him if I hurt him. I explained to him that it wasn't HIM and it was me. I was confused, angry with myself, and naiive. He told me he liked me, and he felt used and cheap, but he understands. He accepted my apology.
Last week was my show reunion at one of the cast members house. It was my first time drinking and I just wanted to have fun... but I had everything but that (until midnight). I was laying on the field while people talked around me, roasted marshmallows, etc., and the boy came up to me and laid beside me. He started talking (don't really remember what the topic was) and he got closer and closer, and started playing with my hair. At this point everyone who was at that party... knew what had happened months before... so I was fine with him touching me. I was about to tell the boy how I felt, and said that I think we should start again with everything. Anyway, another boy... Adam (a good friend) comes up to us, and lays his head on the boys shoulder. He kind of ruined the time we were having. He was also drunk (so the was the boy by the way).
Next thing I know we're going to get more drinks from the house not far away. I hear Adam say to the boy "let's go in the tent." Adam and the boy go in the tent and start fooling around. I knew because I went with them.. and realized why they had went. I told asked them what they were doing. Adam told me to go away for a sec. I told them to get out because it was my tent. They both get up and move into a random tent which happened to be close by. I told my friend Marissa what's happening... and I'm upset. We went to the tent and over heard them talk sexually.
I was really shocked and upset at this. I had admitted to myself that it was mostly jealousy, but I wanted to make things work with the boy too. They had come out about a half hour later and the boy said we all have to talk. They both had said that it didn't mean anything. Adam said he was bi-curious and just likes doing things with guys but would never date a guy. So our talk had been interrupted by someone wanting something from Adam. So we got up and started walking towards the house.
All throughout the night they had been laying beside each other, and talking. Adam kept telling me to go away. I felt useless and kind of embarassed. I kept walking away, then later finding them together.
I was really angry, so gave both of them the silent treatment (which didn't matter anyway because I was sent away when I DID talk). In the morning, I continued with the silent treatment. The boy didn't seem to remember (well I didn't talk to him). Adam asked if I'm mad at him... but just ignored him. He said sorry.. but whatever.
Oh, the thing that made me REALLY MAD was when I walked to my tent and found them in MY TENT in MY SLEEPING BAG. Of course I was sent away, but I told them when I come back they better be out.
WHAT SHOULD I DO? IT HAPPENED ON SUNDAY. I HAVEN'T TALKED TO EITHER OF THEM. IT'S ALL I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT. DID I DO SOMETHING WRONG?
Sorry for the length and spelling/grammatical errors... I just wanted to let my feelings and thoughts out.
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
) are better off experimenting whilst separating prolonged emotions from such acts, whether it affects the individual themselves or those around them such as someone in your position. As a force of nature I suppose one could argue that we are somewhat hormonally primed at this age to engage in sexual activity - however, we are certainly not emotionally primed.