Open Relationships and Sexting

[Antagonist]

I'm not going to claim to have the answers to your questions, because no two couple are ever the same. However, I did go through the exact same experience with my last partner, and what I can do for you is to share my experience.

For starters, I agreed to the open relationship for the same reasons as you: because that's what my partner wanted and I thought it would save our relationship. What we ended up having in the long run was big hot mess that ultimately lead to our break up. I'm a 41 year old, white bear and my partner was a slim, 27-year-old, black man. Needless to say, it was near impossible to find a third partner who was interested in having sex with both of us, which often resulted in either me or my partner feeling left out of the party. For me, the jealousy became suspicions and the suspicions became obsessions. All of a sudden, every telephone ring took on an ominous tone and every text message became a possible infidelity.

To make a long story short, we battled back and forth on this for two long years, with me trying to relax and just go with the flow and my partner becoming more and more obsessed with the game. In the end, my jealousy and suspicions ended up suffocating my partner, and his lack of disclosure and willingness to compromise drove me nearly insane with jealousy. So, we finally sat down a couple of months ago and agreed to end the relationship in order for him to go out and explore what he needed to explore.

Ironically, we still share an apartment because we were under a two year lease agreement, and our relationship has never been better. Since we're no longer "together," I can relax and be happy for him in his discoveries, and we're both free to date other men more suitable to the individual. And my ex-partner's sexual skills have improved tremendously since he started dating other men, and he now can't wait to rush home and tell me all about who he talked to online or the details of a hookup, which I now find to be a huge turn on. I know this seems like an odd ending to my story; but, it's worked out better for us to be roommates with benefits moreso than trying to be in an open relationship and to have threeways, and I can now imagine a time when we could grow back together and the trust will be there for me. I hope that's not more confusing than informative. As I said at the beginning of this response, I don't have any concrete answers for you, but I do know that no two couples are alike, and that it's alright to experiment together.

The Antagonist

[fenris]

thanks for sharing your experiences....

Sometimes it´s very interesting that a good friendship can be better than a relationship ... whatever may happen and if you both sometimes together again or not.
I think the Problem mostly is the - we say here Besitzdenken, I can´t translate - means that one Person thinks the other Person is his property. And if this kind of thinking gone ... and both are "free" again .. they can be the partner wich the other wants... or a better couple because they aren´t one *g
Even sex is the thing where this kind of thinking comes out very clearly ... If someone have fun and laugh with my partner.. its Ok .. I´m proud of him because my friends like him ... but his sex-live has to be controlled only by "me" ...

Honestly I must say .. today I´m a really one Man-man... but that doesn´t mean, that I can´t understand the wish to have sex with another guy... but I´m not jealous if someone like my partner or flirt with him ... whatever. I´ve learned much about.... and the importest thing is: Watch out that your partner is worth enough to be with you together .... and not to think you are not worthy enough for your partner.

[princealbertofb]

You are full of wise thoughts, Fenris... Make sure your partner is worth your while and don't underrate yourself... like that thought.

[princealbertofb]

In my experience, when you open a door in to your relationship you can't complain if someone walks through and in to it and also if one of you walks out.

In the meantime, play safe!

On the other hand, Vig, much as this is probably one of the wisest thoughts on the subject, how can you keep the door locked on a man's heart or cock??? It's impossible and may end up in more heartbreak and depression than if you learn how to let go, or act wisely upon it. It is, as a matter of fact, a question of talking it through and individual preferences.

[princealbertofb]

By the way, guys, this is one of the most challenging posts we've had in a long time... Really interesting how people deal (or not) with such a situation.

[sandlot731]

Well, I appreciate all the input and thoughts from everyone, I have thought about it a lot after reading your posts. I cannot say that I am 100% ok with it, but after reading everything on here I can now say that I am 90% ok and know that this will not end out relationship.

I know my boyfriend is worth your while and fighting for. We have talked about this a couple times since I posted this. And since that time I have talked to the guy that he wants to have the 3some with.

After the last conversation, I realized that his sexual choices have nothing to do with his love for me. And I cannot not say that I completely understand, I can now say I know he loves me with all his heart, he is just young and not very experienced and I think he feels like he missed out on a lot of dating and all the stuff that people in there 20s seem to do. Not that that is an excuse, but I can see where he is coming from. And the fact that he is talking to me about it and included me in it shortly after he started thinking about it is a good thing as well.

The conversations is making it easier. I know my heart is full of love and passion for him and I know he is the same with me.

Again, thanks for all the posts... I appreciate more than you can imagine, We are going to go through with the 3some this coming Monday, I will let you all know how it turns out.