Please help! Best friend trouble and it 's hurt :(

[Anonymous]

I have been having a lot of problems lately. Me and my best friend of 3 years have been having an on/off relationship. It started with something sexual, and we promised we wouldn't fall in love. First he fell in love with me, then I fell in love with him. We've gone through a lot together, and we've became so close. Or so I thought. He tells me that he no longer loves me like that, but my feelings which are hard to express, are still there for him.

Struggling with my sexual identity, I really don't know what to do. I do not consider myself gay because I like girls, but I fell in love with him. The only guy I think I will ever fall in love with. I feel really hopeless. I know he went through an identity crisis, and ended up proclaiming as bi. But it's not as easy for me to say it outloud, or even write it. I'm really scared about the future for myself. I don't think anybody can understand me.

To top things off, 4 months ago, my best friend started treating me different and acting differently. He started to hide things from me, which was a first for us. He made new friends and kept secrets with them instead of me. Sometimes, I knew he was talking to someone else, but I thought it was OK, but I recently found out that he has been hiding dates with other guys, and even talking to his friends about mine and his problems. I became so deperessed, last night I couldn't stop crying. He wanted to hang out with his friends badly, and I needed to talk to someone. I had some bad thoughts. I tried contacting other friends, teling them its really important I talk to someone, but they were all busy. After 4 hours, my best friend, came home to talk to me. At that time I was extremely depressed, I couldn't stand anything.

After talking to him, he basically revealed some more secrets. He let me know that he's been hiding some things from me for a very long time. He had even kissed a guy, and went on dates. Made some close gay friends. I felt like he really was trying to replace me, with something better. It really hurt me badly that he'd been hiding all of these things from me. I trusted him so much. More than anyone in this world. I don't think I can trust him at all anymore to be honest. I asked him where he met some of his friends. He told me he didn't know, they just added him randomly on facebook. He promised me that he had no idea who they were. After about 5 minutes of pressuring him to tell me, he finally told me he found them from a gay website.

I was completely heartbroken that he had considered promises so lightly, and that he would lie to me even after I confronted his lies in the first place. I was extremely sad, and crying the whole time. I don't know what to do. I normally do not cry, but it was just too much this time. He says that I create too much drama because I have been crying everytime I find out about his lies. I don't know if he's been lying to me the whole time about loving me in the first place. I don't know if he likes other guys instead of me. For sure, I just don't have any clue if anything he tells me is true anymore. Trust is so important for me in any friendship or relationship. It really hurts.

The worst part is, I want to move on. My feelings for him would still be the same. I think I'll always love him. But, It's just too much pain for me to bear. I can't take it anymore. He still says he sees me as a best friend and wants to be my best friend badly. I'm open to the idea, but it will take a lot of work and I don't think he wants to put work into it. He told me that me being friends with him makes him sad more than happy. I don't know why he still wants to be friends. Everytime I talk to him, I just feel like someone is stabbing me in the chest a million times. I know I have recently developed a depression problem, but I think I need some advice. I am completely out of options.

[Woolfy]

really sad, just feel sorry for you.

[jamiebfd]

first off... dont get yourself down and depressed over life. think of everything as education....

from this problem you should learn that people you have relationships and split up should have at least 5-6 months without contact. when you have gotten over each other then consider the possibility of being friends.

if you cant stay away from each other for that long then you need to maybe limit your meetings and make sure your never alone with each other. at least then you dont end up pouring your hearts out needlessly and causingbigger problems.

if you are both 100% sure there is no relationship to come out of this and it is just going to be friends then you must not sleep together. it will hurt you so bad when all the feelings come rushing back.

Also...
if you like girls and guys then your bi-sexual.
i am the same and i had alot of trouble figuring out what it was all about. i thought i could only be gay or straight and i couldnt like both. it was such a struggle which i had only myself to help me figure it out. it took me at least 9 year to feel comfortable with myself. i went through many phases...depresion/ anger/ rebelious/ sadness etc.
it seemed to be going on forever lol.

i dont really know what else to say to you except offering my own experiences.
if you have anything to ask which you dont want to post then you can private message me too.

i really hope something works out for you. more because ive been exactly where you are now and it was horrible going through it alone.
just remember that you have everyone in this forum to help you through it

[marshlander]

Sorry to hear you are having a tough time of it with your friend. A friendship with you sounds like hard work though. There seems to be a lot of emotional baggage for him to put up with. I too would be tempted not to bother to share things with someone who couldn't listen without becoming emotional.

I'd go with Jamie's idea of staying away from each other until you can find some sort of balance. Even then, reconnecting as friends with someone who has raised so many feelings could be problematic.

Best wishes. I hope you can find a happy place in yourself that doesn't need the validation of this other man.

[East]

I feel bad for you....I think that his betrayal of your friendship is painful and I am not sure you can repair it but there is something you can do...take that energy right now and be your own best friend. I know that sounds very cliche but it is the truth and you need to be kind to yourself right now. I think moving on is a good idea.

I haven't been through exactly the same situation but I have experienced betrayal from friends that was very painful and I felt sad and cried alot as well...but the crying will end and you will get over it and move on.

They say the best revenge is living well and though the word "revenge" may not suit you...the spirit of the remark is worth noting...don't let what happened with him make you bitter or afraid to develop other friendships in the future....not everyone is going to do this to you.

[cry0s]

It's painfully difficult when you give basically everything that you have to someone else to find out it's not going to work out as you had hoped. He doesn't know how to react to your feelings as he's also still trying to figure out who he is. Ignore the silly responses talking about your level of emotion being a problem. What happened to you was unexpected, but honestly it's time for you to move forward as well. Perhaps you should start doing things for you again that you enjoy rather than putting everything into this one situation. It will just bring you more and more down. What East said was right, focus your energies back into you.

I know that it's hard and most definitely difficult but you can overcome and once you find that happiness within yourself again, you will feel much better. For now, just take it a day at a time.

[jimmytim]

Get rid of those bad thoughts! Everything will be Ok in the end. I know its not popular opinion, but maybe you should give him a chance? Ask him directly what he wants in your relationship, then go from there. Just calm down and think things clearly. Some people aren't worth it, but some people are. You have to make that decision yourself.

[The Virgin]

sorry to be too blunt but you two need to grow up.