Hi everyone,
Sorry to intrude on your message boards, but I am in desperate need of advice and would appreciate it from a gay perspective. My husband and I have been together for 15 years..5 dating, 10 married. Throughout the years I have suspected him of cheating with other women several times (even when we were dating), I've only been able to prove it once. I wanted to leave but he cried and begged me to stay promising that it would never happen again. I have 3 children with him to think about, so I stayed. I should also say that he has problems with alcohol, cocaine and porn. When were dating, we partied a lot, but after we got married, I stopped all the crazy behavior and he seems to have continued. He is very sexual and will openly flirt with other women in front of me. I am not a jealous person and have always kind of laughed it off. Anyway, after the affair I caught him in, I used some spyware on the computer and got a hold of his email password. Horrible I know, but i just couldn't trust him. Nothing really happened until recently. One night he called me from work and said he had taken on an extra project and would have to work through the night (this is how the previous affair started..him working overnight with another woman). So I had a bad feeling and checked his email the following day. Much to my surprise I found out that he had responded to Craigslist ads for men seeking men. He had this email going back and forth from another man about how he wanted a blow job from him. There was some pretty discriptive stuff about what my husband wanted him to do. My husband told the guy he wanted to wear a condom, the guy responded that he didn't like sucking on condoms, and my husband said that was OK, just thought he would ask. It seems they were trying to figure out a time to meet but nothing was ever established and I got the feeling the other guy decided against it. I thought to myself that maybe this was a one time deal, but the way he spoke he seemed so sure of himself, like he had done this before. I don't know what to think right now..I am so confused. Is he curious, gay, or bi? I was hoping maybe someone could give me some insight. I am walking around in a daze right now. He works with several gay men at work. At a party we went to I observed how extra friendly he was around them, but didn't think too much of it. Now I am wondering. Or maybe I am just overthinking it. Any advice would be truly appreciated. Thank you!! And if you're going to tell me to just talk to him about it, I guarantee you he is going to deny, deny , deny.
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perhaps he is just curious. you would be surprised at the amount of straight men who have jokingly said that they have heard that men are better at oral sex than women are. perhaps he just enjoys the attention he might get from any person female or male. if i were in your position then i would be keeping an eye on him, if you continue to see similar behaviour then perhaps you could try seeing a marriage councellor. if you dont do something then you will drive yourself crazy with it all. if confronting him directly wont help then it might be easier to go to a professional who can get the truth from him in a safe environment. he may want to talk about it but is afraid of what might happening by admitting it out loud. i really do hope it all works out for you. good luck xxx
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calicandy70 Wrote:Hi everyone,
Sorry to intrude on your message boards, but I am in desperate need of advice and would appreciate it from a gay perspective. My husband and I have been together for 15 years..5 dating, 10 married. Throughout the years I have suspected him of cheating with other women several times (even when we were dating), I've only been able to prove it once. I wanted to leave but he cried and begged me to stay promising that it would never happen again. I have 3 children with him to think about, so I stayed. I should also say that he has problems with alcohol, cocaine and porn. When were dating, we partied a lot, but after we got married, I stopped all the crazy behavior and he seems to have continued. He is very sexual and will openly flirt with other women in front of me. I am not a jealous person and have always kind of laughed it off. Anyway, after the affair I caught him in, I used some spyware on the computer and got a hold of his email password. Horrible I know, but i just couldn't trust him. Nothing really happened until recently. One night he called me from work and said he had taken on an extra project and would have to work through the night (this is how the previous affair started..him working overnight with another woman). So I had a bad feeling and checked his email the following day. Much to my surprise I found out that he had responded to Craigslist ads for men seeking men. He had this email going back and forth from another man about how he wanted a blow job from him. There was some pretty discriptive stuff about what my husband wanted him to do. My husband told the guy he wanted to wear a condom, the guy responded that he didn't like sucking on condoms, and my husband said that was OK, just thought he would ask. It seems they were trying to figure out a time to meet but nothing was ever established and I got the feeling the other guy decided against it. I thought to myself that maybe this was a one time deal, but the way he spoke he seemed so sure of himself, like he had done this before. I don't know what to think right now..I am so confused. Is he curious, gay, or bi? I was hoping maybe someone could give me some insight. I am walking around in a daze right now. He works with several gay men at work. At a party we went to I observed how extra friendly he was around them, but didn't think too much of it. Now I am wondering. Or maybe I am just overthinking it. Any advice would be truly appreciated. Thank you!! And if you're going to tell me to just talk to him about it, I guarantee you he is going to deny, deny , deny. do you still love this man after he betrayed you so many times? Wow. I mean his infidelity with a man is no different than that with a women, so what would you do different here that you didn't do before?
I think he is bisexual. Ever been on a sex chat site? In the bi/gay section there are tons of married men. Its lead me to believe that the majority of guys are really bi.
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Hi and welcome to GS.
I'm sorry this has happened to you. I can't give you any advice about the unfortunate situation. Only thing I will say is infidelity is infidelity doesn't matter if he's with a male or female.
My big concern is your health. You should really get yourself tested, especially for hepatitis B and C, and HIV.
You are not intruding on the forum. I hope you feel welcome here.
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Thank you everyone for your advice. I completely agree...cheating is cheating no matter who it's with. I want to leave..I'm tired of constantly finding "surprises" from him and being hurt. I know I don't deserve to be treated like this but my situation is complicated. For one thing, I have 3 young children who love their home, their father and have happy lives and I don't want to tear their worlds apart. I also am a stay at home mom with no income and have no family that I can just leave and go stay with. I have a mom in her 80's all away across the country but that's it. No other type of family support. I feel very alone and trapped right now. This kind of just threw me for a loop and I am trying to better understand what's going on with him. Thanks for taking the time to read and offering advice. Azulai ~ I am definitely getting tested. That was one of my first thoughts when I read about the whole condom thing. Yet another thing I need to worry about right now. :frown:
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Well first off I would think about starting to look for a job at least part time so you can start preparing for the unexpected if it happens and if the children are in school.
I would probably say that he might just be as confused about what he wants right now, but I'm no expert at this either.
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sounds like this has been going on for ever. If you put up with it soooo long take your time, develop an exit plan, than get a divorce. Divorce is an ugly back stabbing thing, i mention this so you will play by those rules and get as much for your children as you can.
If you still sex him use a condom. There are free clinics where you can get a complete std and hiv panel of tests for your self. do this tomorrow. Where there is a risk of exposure, gay men are generally well educated. HIV is not something you contract because you crossed the moral line but Its a finding a partner, male or female, that is willing to have un protected sex this day and age
gay or straight anyone can cheat on their significant other. This is not a trait known only to the gay community and in fact relationships, gay or straight, are mostly the same.
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Dear calicandy70. I think that here we have a problem, not about your husband, but about the way you have tolerated his clear vices and cynical behavior all this time. I understand that you have three children with him, cause my mom was in a similar situation many years ago. I don´t think the matter is if he´s trying to date a gay man to have sex, if he´s gay or bisexual, if he had done it before, or if he does this with women. The question is, why do you need to put up with a creep like that?. That´s not quality of life. Are you aware of the dangers to have sex without protection although it may be just a blowjob?. I´ve seen this before, cause many of the gay people I´ve met are very irresponsible when the time to get laid comes…you don´t know where they put their dicks. He´ll start with a tiny little blowjob, but then they may finish fucking without condom, and who do you think will pay for it?. Well, we´re not all like that, but believe me, there´s a lot of randy and lustful people straight and gay lurking everywhere. I think that a respectable straight woman like yourself deserves to have a quiet and peaceful life with a man that loves and respects her. If you´ve witnessed his constant infidelity, why don´t you leave him once and for good?. If you are financially dependent on him you can make a plan to become independent, maybe take a part-time job and you´ll eventually get the stuff you´ll need to live with your children, get specialized legal consultancy to bring forward the reactions of your husband and how to deal with the problem…From my gay perspective, it doesn´t matter if your husband is gay/bi/hetero curious/straight…you don´t deserve to be treated like that, and to be in constant uncertainty about the whereabouts and whatnots about your husband moves. What example do you think you´re giving to your children?. That a person has to put up with the nerve and dishonesty of his partner just because he´s the main source of money, because there are children or because she doesn´t want to be alone?. You think they don´t know anything about what´s going on between you and your husband?. Don´t you think that they will benefit with the example of a mother that respects herself living a pleasant and decent life alone and independent, without having to be worried all the time, or with a partner that is reliable and affectionate?. Don´t get me wrong, I´m not trying to worry you, just to tell you don´t have to put up with anybody, that´s not the reason you´re here in the world. First you need to care for yourself and make the decisions that help you to grow as a person and feel comfortable and calm, so you can care for you children and give them your best time and mood. I hope everything goes well for you. Cheer up and carry on!  .
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Drug addiction makes for unhappy homes and unhappy people.
Coke, meth and other uppers liberate a person and leads to all sorts of behaviors that they normally wouldn't consider when clean and sober.
Regardless of the gender of person he is having sex with, he is cheating. Cheating on you, cheating on your marriage.
Unfortunately YOUR behaviors to this point have been ones that are enabling him - enabling his partying, enabling his cheating, enabling is flirting.
Gay, bi, straight - what ever he is doesn't give him a get out of marriage vows free card. He made vows which I assume included such things as commitment, monogamy and the like. Unless your vows were more open?
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ Go that website, and click on the how to find a meeting tab or just go directly there: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/how-to-find-a-meeting
Find a local meeting place and go to at least 4 meetings. You do not have to say anything, you do not have to be nice to those people, you don't have to go to the same meeting place each time.
I want for you to go and sit there and listen to others who, like you, are dealing with a person who is an addict/alcoholic and listen for the sameness in their stories as you have experienced.
After 4 meetings you can decide if you want to keep going, you can also decide to use them as a support structure. You will most likely find many other 'stay at home moms' who, like you, placed this importance on keeping the marriage going for the 'sake of the children'.
Unfortunately a marriage kept together for that reason when it is unhealthy damages and hurts the children in many ways, often in worse ways than a divorce would.
Your kids know that daddy is a drunk/druggy. No they may not know that he uses X drug, but they are aware he is an addict on a baser level. They are also aware that mommy is an enabler - no they may not know that word, but they know what you are doing.
They will grow up to be either like mommy or like daddy. Either a druggie/drunk or an enabler or both.
They know when mommy hurts - they might not know why, but they can feel your pain. If you make it seem that pain/hurt is normal in a marriage, they will end up in a hurtful/painful marriage themselves and stick with it because that is what mommy did.
Yes divorce will lead to other pains/hurts - but these will be more manageable and more obvious and you will send a message to your kids that their happiness trumps forced imprisonment with a torturer.
It will be far more obvious to them that they have issues in their 20's and 30's because mommy and daddy divorced than it would be for them to discern the issues because you stayed with this person and suffered and allowed so much 'small harm'.
Go to alanon, you will find that the people in your local meeting place have been exactly where you are and most likely know of many hidden resources and programs in your area that will enable you to strike out on your own, putting your children out of harms way.
Welfare is an option. It is there to catch families like yours when the supporter fails his/her end of the bargain. Divorce him, collect alimony and child support. He refuses to pay child support then the Welfare People will take it up with him, while feeding and tending to your children's needs.
You will most likely find in Alanon a Job. Not with the program itself, but through those who are like you but having gone through it now have contacts and know people to help you get on your feet.
There is no reason whatsoever that you need to stay in this toxic marriage. You have at least three reasons to get out of it NOW - your babies.
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His sexuality and sexual curiosities are irrelevant.
Your children ARE relevant.
What is best for your 3 children?
A mother that puts them in an environment that is condusive to growth, education, stability and void of negative influences, or a mother that continues in a terrible relationship with a husband/partner that is more than self-destructive, justify staying in the relationship 'for the children'?
You are asking the wrong questions and making wrong decicions.
I'm just saying.
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