I'm falling for another man?

[Anonymous]

Hi. Please help me. No sarcastic replies, ok?

So, this is the thing. I've been with my man for almost 3 years. I love him, he is a good man. Recently though, he seems to be growing colder. He's a bit snappy and he doesn't cuddle as much as he used to, he says "I love you" but it doesn't seem as sincere as it used to. Most of the time, when I go over to him and hug him, he just pats me on the back and says he's busy doing whatever. I have asked him if he's ok, because he acts weird, and he says he's fine. But he doesn't seem fine. But that's just something about him. He never talks about stuff.

A few weeks ago (yes, this is a very recent development) I met this guy at work. He's gay and single. He's cute, warm, caring..and I think he's flirting with me. (But everybody flirts, right? That doesn't mean anything, does it?) I think I'm falling for him (but of course I haven't told him that). I think about him all the time and when I do my heart starts racing. He's switching jobs next week though, so if I were to do anything, I should do it very soon. I'm just guessing we wouldn't have much to do with each other after that.

What am I to do? Was this a stupid question? Should I stay in my relationship and hope for things to get better? Should I tell this other guy that I like him? Should I tell my boyfriend I might have the hots for someone else? Should I pack my bags and move to a deserted and man-free location? Should I jump off the roof? (Ok maybe I won't do that)

[Rainbowmum]

Hi Anon,
I really do feel for you, I wish I could tell you what to do , but I can't ,no one can.
You and you alone know what to do.

Please do not take this the wrong way , I just can't help but wonder if your infatuation with this new guy who is flirty and fun ,is due to the heavy atmosphere at home with your partner.
It's only natural for you to be attracted to someone who is fun and flirty and makes you feel good.
But please do not confuse infatuation with anything more that that.

I really think you should explain to your partner how you are feeling .
Three years is a very long time to be together , I would be doing you a disservice not to remind you of that, I am willing to bet that at one stage you thought your partner was also very charming, flirty and fun.

Keep us posted.
Hugs

[Anonymous]

Good reply, thank you. Do you think I should(n't) tell this new guy about my feelings?

[pellaz]

Recently though, he seems to be growing colder.

-is he (or you) cheating on eath other?
-together go for some relationship (gay couples ) consulting, make a weekend vacation of it

... .and I think he's flirting with me. (But everybody flirts, right?

NO

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend is not cheating on me. I know he would never cheat on me. And I am not cheating on him.

And with the flirting thing I meant that I shouldn't make too much of it even if he really is flirting. Right? Or should I?

[pellaz]

who is to say the new boo will not turn on you like the current?
max out what you have.

i would not tell the old bf anything but would try to work it out

[Bowyn Aerrow]

So basically what you are asking is it OK to cheat while in a relationship that has 'issues of personalities'?

You will, most likely, discover in each relationship you get into that there is a period of intense intimacy followed by a period when intimacy, closeness all but dies.

If you run away in this relationship, hook up with another guy because the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you will never learn the skills you need to deal with this sort of issue in relationships. Thus each relationship you get into will reach this 'cold snap' and you will run.

Stay in this relationship - tentatively yes. Just wait for things to change - well that won't work, because things will not get better on their own.

You and your current partner must first agree there is a problem, then you two must take steps to work on that problem.

Agreeing there is a problem is a matter of perspective. Your current partner may not see all of this as a problem, he may see it as a perfect and natural way that relationships develop.

How you go about fixing that depends on you two. I would suggest couples counseling - perhaps the only reason why I am in a 15 year long relationship is due to the fact we went to couples counseling and still go occasionally to 'tune up' the relationship especially when outside problems are raging and we are feeling the gap of distance opening up between us.

Mind you both have your own sets of luggage you carry with you. We all carry luggage. Most people have a duffel bag or a minor backpack - I have the full set of baggage, requiring two bellhops to check in :biggrin:

I can think of at least a dozens reasons why your BF could be acting the way he is. And most of them have nothing to do with love of you or desire to be in or out of your relationship, most of them are due to how society teaches us males to be men, with the remainder being composed of traditional myths about how relationships work.

This last is largely due to the fairytale ended. And they lived happily ever after.....

No they didn't, they fought, they struggled, there was a long period of cold power struggle. They let their masks down and we found out that Prince Charming was not at all a charming person, he farted, picked his nose, left his socks all over the place, while the Bride was actually a lazy woman who didn't know how to cook and who wanted a career and children at the same time - always biting off more than she could chew.

Prince Charming ended up working way too many hours in the Castle, while the bride ended up languishing at home wanting prince charming to sweep her off her feet again and again. Or she got so absorbed with her own career she didn't notice that Charming was actually hitting the booze harder as he tried to deal with the financial burden of two mortgages, two carriages blah.

There is never a happily ever after...

[matty7]

isn't this around the time when even striaght marrages get into problems too (my mate is goin through it right now) . 3 years together and things get a little less exciting - u know everything about each other now - what shows u like, the food u eat, your moods etc !!! have you hit a stale patch where its just feeling a bit routine ? - maybe its time to spice things up as if u were first dating ... not a betting man but was it more exciting then as where u are now ? - dont ask me how to spice it up but im sure u could come up with something m8 - sorry if im wrong though

[Rainbowmum]

Good reply, thank you. Do you think I should(n't) tell this new guy about my feelings?

Not if you value your relationship or your self image.
If the guy knows you are in along term relationship, and here you are , expressing a fleeting attraction , you just come off as being a cheater.

One bit of advice I would like to give you.
Never give up on the person you love ,be there for him, and stop checking out the field next door.

[matty7]

is this strange though - i dont have a prob in checking out someone who is attractive, they use hot models just to make u buy crap at the end of the day so no harm in looking - you dont know that person really - u do know ur bf so u know u love him as a person and as someone whos sexy to u - is there such a thing as the 3 year ich ??? go back to what made u fall in love, but u have to have that chat with him mate