I think my 13-year-old step-son may be gay.

[zeon]

Hello,
Discovering a child may be gay isnt always an easy thing however remember that you as his mother and your partner/husband as his dad are his only parents and his father must put aside his lividness because this is a sign of arrogance... There is a saying in life "If it isnt broken dont try to fix it" Now what i mean by this is dont allow your husband/partner to go make him do boyish things or else this cultures to neglect... Show him unconditional love and support through stages... Dont confront him about the whole phone thing because all this will do is damage any trust which was there before... I realised from personal experience that i was different at 12 and became sexually active early... Wait for the day if he chooses to tell you his sexuality and when he does dont freak out and dont let his dad do it either... Remember being gay is no different to being hetrosexual it is just natures way of controlling population and if his dad dismisses this as utter rubbish then ask him why male dogs hump other male dogs??? If it goes on in the animal kingdom then it has to be nature not nurture... You havent failed him as a parent but you will if you fail to both treat him the way he would want and that is by offering some form of moral support because coming out as gay is the hardest thing anyone has to do..
His father hasnt failed him as a father and remind him of this.. Men get too hung up on the whole masculine thing and to be honest whats a macho macho man got that a gay man hasnt? Nothing to be honest both have emotions and from your aspect im sure both are loved dearly.. If he tries to change him this will drive fear into him and thus causing your son to push his dad away for being a bad parent and not being fair with him...
If you want to talkj to your step son about this just take him out on a 121 basis somewhere for a meal or something without his dad being there as i know as a ex step parent to a 16 year old lad that they will tell the step parent more than the real one.. If he admits his gay during convo then give him a big bloody hug and just let him know firstly your proud of him whatever and secondly you and his dad will ALWAYS support him regardless of beliefs etc... Its better to see a son happy and content in life than to damn him with religious bullshit to the point he can see no point in continuing and try suicide or self harm... Or if he wants some support from people all over the world and be able to feel like he can express his emotions somewhere if not at home recommend this site... Rainbow mum is a perfect example on here of someone who has a gay child and loves them dearly and maybe having a chat with her via message will help...

Best wishes and big hugz

Aunty Zeon
Gayspeak Agony Aunt

[princealbertofb]

First of all to GaySpeak, lifesvr80.

I don't know if I would be so graphic and permissive as Gilhooly and his family, but I do think that giving the child support is important, and letting him make his own experience. As parents we need to make sure that our kids know the basics about sex, and especially about safer sex practices. If this is a difficult subject to talk about, then it's maybe a good idea to have some books and literature around which show that it's alright to stay informed.

For the moment, your step son only displays feminine behaviour, but it really doesn't mean much. Probably only that that's the main model he's had to behave so far. You don't mention his mother, how long did he live with her prior to being with you and your husband? Are the parents now divorced? Does the child generally live with his mother? How long has he lived with her and away from his father?

I'm not surprised that his father is unhappy or angry about his son's perceived orientation. But I suspect that it has a lot to do with blame that he'd like to lay on his ex wife. Maybe, if his ex wife has had general custody of the child he feels that he's not been able to play his role to the full, and maybe he resents that now.

I think your husband's issues are maybe to do with that break up. So maybe he could do with some counselling? It is good that you are there to support him too in this. Is your step-son aware, for the moment, that his father's livid about his behaviour? What I've not gathered from your posts is whether the child now lives with you on a permanent basis, or if he just spends a few days at a time, maybe at week-ends and during vacations with you. Could you expand on that a bit?

I liked someone's suggestion here, that your husband might gain some understanding by joining you on the site, but maybe he'll refuse to do that. It really depends how deeply wrong he feels homosexuality to be. Is it religious? Is it linked in some way to something that happened to him in his past?

You might remind him that the child shares his genes and the child's mother's and that if homosexuality is genetic, then his branch of the family could be 'responsible' for this, or maybe his wife's side is, but either way, the important thing is to love your children and help them thrive whatever they are destined to be. I often like to say that a leopard can't change its spots.

One last thing, for the moment: since you seem to have gay friends and lesbian friends, you could maybe have them around at the house from time to time, so that your step son can get to know them and then he'll have some points of reference to which he can turn later, if need be, when it becomes too uncomfortable at home. Just a suggestion. But the question is: will your husband allow that? Or will he think that it's unnecessarily encouraging him to follow that kind of lifestyle?

For me, being gay is not a 'lifestyle'. Apart from my sex life and who I love, I don't think I act or think very differently from the rest of society. I know that I can't live the "married" life for the moment, even if my partner and I aspire to be able to do that, some day. Only in that respect could it be called a 'lifestyle', but most of it is imposed by the restrictions that society has put on us.

I think that most boys will probably, at some point in their adolescence, have had a kind of crush on one of their mates and maybe dabbled a bit in same sex experiences. They don't necessarily mean that they'll develop into full fledged homosexuals. I think the tendencies to be gay are in the child from quite a young age, but it is only when he's reached adulthood that he'll know where his sexual orientation truly lies. Let him say that he's bisexual, which is supposedly what we all are, to some extent. Anyway, give him space and mostly respect his privacy. After all, you don't go sharing all your sex life or secrets with your (step) children, do you?

Often parents are worried about their sons being gay because they perceive it still as a lonely and difficult life, and maybe also because they selfishly would like to have grandchildren one day. Well, if things in society improve, there will be no reason why he won't be able to have a happy and fruitful life as a gay man. What's more, gays can be fathers too, even more so in the 21st century, I should think. There is nothing to guarantee that a son, gay or straight, will become a father anyway. Who knows what life has in store for us?

I think, mostly, that your husband's negative reactions have to do with unresolved issues with his role as a father, his relationship with his ex wife, maybe, and / or unresolved issues about his own sexuality. Unfortunately, it's quite often observed that the most hateful behaviour can come from very repressed people, who have not solved their own issues regarding same sex relationships.

Good luck with your quest for answers and with handling the young man. Do come back for more answers if you feel you can get them here.

[zeon]

dfiant that video was really moving kind of reminded me of my childhood and raises awareness ive pinned the guys name for reference to help others x

[matty7]

ive not got to the end of it yet - ive asked dfiant how it turned out cos i couldnt face it ,, hes ok thank god now

[ChadCoxRox]

He acts very feminine (gestures,mannerisms,etc.). I don't believe he's sexually active nor that he has a boyfriend. I saw where he text another boy saying "I like u and I think u look good." I'm prepared to take a supportive role but his dad is livid and thinks he's failed him as a father. He thinks that he can "change" him by forcing him to to "boyish" things. I have to be there for both of them; however, I don't know what to say to either of them. I havent spoken to my stepson yet because im afraid he'll become withdrawn. Any suggestions?

Anger and being "livid" is a secondary emotion that protects more primary feelings underneath. If I were your husband I might would be angry too and I'd certainly likely ACT angry to get my message across that I am afraid. If the anger persists then Dad has deeper issues than failing his son. If the fear begins to show itself, Dad needs as much support and love as the son. Thank GOD for moms!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nature's most unique and precious pearl!

Just thinking of you so came back to add more... keep us posted please.