I agree with Rainbowmum, and maybe others here whose answers I have not read yet. (Will do so shortly, but first I'm going to go with my heart from just reading what YOU had to say). Of course your father will have to get used to it, therefore he'll need time. But it also seems that somehow he's not been seeing who you were as you were growing up, (and not been sufficiently concerned, from what I understand).
You mention all the negative and hurtful comments and the bullying to which you've been subjected as you were growing up, and you also mention that having a conversation with him ends up being a monologue by him, in which, it sounds, he's trying to batter home truths into you. But it's not effective.
My impression is that your father is not ready to hear the words you've told him. He's feeling vulnerable, I guess, and unprepared and he's saying all the wrong things. While I can understand his reaction, I can't help but feel that he's not reacting like an adult and certainly not like a father. It looks like he's still got quite a lot of spiritual and emotional growth to achieve. It is not surprising, therefore, that he should try to ram his theories down your throat. He CAN'T understand you, nor accept you till he lets go. You are not him, he is not you and although he gave you life he does not own you. That is something that every parent needs to understand one day. Which is why I'm talking about being a grown up. It means accepting that one day your children will be their own person and not need you so much for everything, especially not to live their lives, even more so when they are not dependent (physically, mentally or morally, or even financially).
This doesn't mean that ties have to be severed for ever, of course not. It just means that they accept you for who you are and (hopefully) will go on loving you sufficiently unconditionally to keep the generations soldered and united even though each one has its understanding of the world and its specifications.
To start off, now the cat is out of the bag, you are going to need perseverance and patience. You are going to have to be the more adult of the two, until he grows up and develops too on this issue. Maybe, if your mother has shown acceptance, it would be best to enroll her help and to let her do some of the gap-bridging here.
You could maybe meet your father half way and ask that he do the same, re boyfriends etc. You might accept not to bring your boyfriend home, as that will make him uncomfortable, but then you can '
impose' your boyfriend's presence when you're on your own turf (I mean when you start living your life away from home), and if you are to meet in other circumstances like, say, a restaurant, or someone else's home where the two of you have been invited (and your boyfriend too, of course).
I think that despite what your father thinks he knows about being gay (it's wrong, it sinful, it's condemnable etc.) he still has a lot to learn about human sexuality and psychology. His mind is probably going into all the wrong places right now and, I'm afraid to say, he probably thinks it is a reflection on him of how he's brought you up and how he's provided for you. He needs to understand that although he's responsible for half of your genes, he's in no way responsible of the way your sexual orientation turned out. Maybe he's blaming himself and thinking he's done a poor job of raising you (and maybe 'protecting' you - he's not going to understand that this is not something that you needed to be protected from but rather that it needed to be nurtured).
I'm thinking that when you get a chance to tell him, you should put his mind at ease on the subject. It has nothing to do (or, at least,
little to do) with how he's raised you, or failed to raise you. But I suspect that he's been compensating a lot over the years, when maybe he perceived that you were going to turn out gay. Maybe he's been trying to make you interested in sports, has been rough with you because he's thought that that's how you bring up boys ... all the usual trappings of this heteronormative society. Had he a bit more understanding of what it meant to be gay, he would have encouraged other things in you: your creativity, your sensitivity etc and taken great pride in what you are capable of. For the moment he's just seeing his own failing and he's not taking pride in himself, nor in you.
Taking pride. In that light, are you capable of listing all your good points and qualities, all the points that you think come from your upbringing, may they have come from your mother or from him, or just from your environment, and remind him that that's who you are?
You may find that questions and statements might be easier to put across in a letter. Something that he can read calmly, or refer back to. Conversely, so as to show that you're not bragging, you can list some of your shortcomings and what you would call failures, but also show where lack of support may have caused these. Like the lying (or the failure to come out etc.). Saying to your dad, "I was afraid you would not understand me, and now I have proof that you don't. That's why I didn't say anything. I was not sure, I was confused. Now, I'm not anymore", should make him think. It should also show some of your resolve (proof that you are exercising your own critical mind, that you've weighed the pros and cons of coming out and being true to yourself).
His reaction, so far makes me think of a temper tantrum in a spoilt child and since discussion seems impossible, I would put an end to it (unnecessary arguments) until there comes a time when he's capable of talking to you as an adult to an adult (ie someone who can make their own decisions and take responsibility for them). I know this is a scary stance to take, but for the moment you can probably just avoid the fights and discussions. Tell him that you'll resume talking about the subject when he starts having a more grown up attitude and starts listening to you. (This is, by the way, something that I believe your mother could help him with, when you're not around -- she might direct him towards some reading and some learning about what being gay means). Until there comes such a time... no talking, no arguing, just polite (but distant and cautious) attitudes. No name calling. Refrain from that, and if he starts on you, turn your back and walk away.
You may want to question him on whether he is genuinely afraid for your spiritual safety / and genuinely interested in your feelings or if he's just afraid of what people will think of him and just wanting to save face. Is this all about himself?
Remind him that he's not the only one to have feelings and that if his tactics is to hurt your feelings, he's been very successful at that. You'll have to admit that you have taken a long time thinking things through and wondered how he'd react. Maybe even express disappointment in how he's reacting and how his reaction does NOT reflect his so-called religious beliefs (God loves everybody? God tells us to respect our parents, yes, but Jesus also told adults to respect their children - logical if you want respect from them). It always seems worse then fathers reject their sons. Remind him of the prodigal son's parable, it's a good one.
Well, after all this, let me give you a big hug, something that your dad should have done and given you straight away, silly fool that he is.
Let us know how it goes. Ok?
PA
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