12 year old son may be gay and I'm concerned

[ConcernedParent]

First of all for the record I am not gay the site just made me put what "specifically" I am but there was no option for straight. Secondly I have a fiance (a woman) and we're very much in love. Got it?

Now that's out of the way my son is 12 and he's been showing some"gay" traits. He'd rather spend time in the kitchen with his mother than watch the footy with me and I've noticed he has some very odd friends. Mainly his best friend, a ginger boy with glasses who is also very feminine. They spend almost every waking hour together, even in school. I've asked his head of year if they can split them up but all I got was strange look.

Not trying to offend you people but is there any way I can make sure my son grows up straight? I'd like grandchildren one day and I'd rather not have to have another child if possible.

[Lilitu]

I can understand your concern. (mainly by your username xD)

However, I'm afraid there's probably very little you can actively do to ensure your son's heterosexuality.

At the moment, you really can't be sure, and neither can he, and it's probably best to leave the situation be, unless real issues arise from this friendship such as loss of focus on schoolwork or something unusual or sexual.

The thing is, if you try to interfere with his sexuality at that age, it'll most certainly result in prolonging his confusion. If it's done poorly, it'll end in tears and resentment.

The best thing is to probably just wait it out, not interfere too much with his private social affairs, and see if his behaviour is actually indicative of his sexuality - not liking sports and interest in cooking is no way necessarily a sure sign of homosexuality.

I know how much it may hurt to think that your line may not go on in grandchildren, but he might very well have biological children of his own even if he is gay. Besides, it's not good to worry about your legacy over your present self.

Really, it's not advisable to try to ensure your son's heterosexuality, it's just a bad idea that will put your relationship on very thin ice, and losing your son will hurt infinitely more than the possibility of losing the potential for grandchildren.

So my advice (though I can't say I have too much credibility at my age) is to wait and see, don't appease him, but don't stifle him. This may very well just be a phase or something of the sort and he might not be gay at all, but whatever happens, attempting to actively change the fundament of his life is the worst thing you could do, especially for the sake of your own interests.

12 is a young age, don't worry about it at the moment, just wait and observe.

[fenris]

Hi and Welcome....

First... No, you can´t change him.... if he is gay he IS gay....no way out.
But I can´t see anything what is "really" gay .... his friends are not a option to say if your son is gay or not, same with his behavior.... if he likes to cook..says nothing.... and football says nothing too. In time we have here in Germany a call that gay football-player should say that they are gay... because its nothing wrong with being a gay-football-player.

So ...whats to do ... be very careful.... If you think he is gay do what you have to do as a father. Protect him.. if you see that others ( maybe in school ) have the same opinion like you and think that he is gay. Never joke about gay-people if he can hear you.. that would destroy his confidence in you immediately. Show him that you are on his side ...ever...

I always say treat a gay kid like a raw egg.... very carefully as long as he don´t talk to you. The suicide rate of gay kids and youth is 4 x higher....
Another thing is that male gay kids have problems with their straight fathers ... they feel really fast not-wanted and not accepted....

Do NOT talk about your wish for grandchildren to him .... but you have a chance for grandchildren ... maybe not HIS own kids ... but if the situation change in the EU we have a true chance to adopt kids in future and I think thats a good way too.

But can you do that .... it's not as bad as it sounds... if you see that he is just gay... but he don´t change the person he is.

[bluebikerboi]

god I can't stand ignorant people.....nothing really more to say except I feel sorry for your son having a parent like you.

[watkins]

Hi ConcernedParent, yes we understand that you are not gay, got it? We are not so cliquey that we dont realise that parents might come on to this forum for answers. Now that is out of the way...

I'm guessing that you don't have too much experience of the gay world or have any gay friends - so it is actually a pretty good idea to come on to this forum. In terms of your son, and I know this is easy to say since i am not in the situation, but you just have to let him find his own way. You can try to stifle him or point him in a certain direction but if he is gay then it will probably just make him resent you and put restrictions on your relationship. Unfortunately you wanting grandchildren is really not his problem - if he is gay then he is simply not going to have children the old fashioned way.
12 is young but some people know that young. However, not everybody likes football - I know a load of straight guys that dont like football so that really is not a 'red flag' that he is gay. But that is besides the point, if he is gay then i'm afraid that you are just going to have to accept that and that is the best thing you can do for your relationship. Unless of course you are incredibly homophobic and cannot accept it - in which case, good luck with your ignorance. Trying to put guidelines on somebody's sexuality, however much you want him to be straight, just will not work out in the long run. You might not want to hear that and rest assured that you are not the only parent who doesnt want a gay son (read a few threads on this forum!) but im afraid that those are the facts you have to live with.

I hope you and your son can figure this one out, he might be gay, he might not be, either way you guys should have a good father-son relationship and live happily.

[Genersis]

Nah, not buying it...

[Spades]

god I can't stand ignorant people.....nothing really more to say except I feel sorry for your son having a parent like you.

I agree, all I read in his post was stereotypes and bigotry and hate.

If your son is gay, there is nothing you can do about it, no amount of forcing him to watch football will ever change that. And just because he might be gay, doesn't mean you won't be able to become a grandparent.

[dfiant]

I'm just going to come right out and say it.

Don't like your attitude and I think you are a troll.

[monk]

Nah, not buying it...

Yeah, I was wondering too . . . :frown:

[fenris]

And if it is true ? ..... The slightest doubt do not relieved of the responsibility