24 Year Old Virgin On First Date

[Hayden]

As should be deduced by the subject line, I’m a major wuss. I’ve had absolutely zero romantic experiences in my life, with men or women. I took some pretty brutal rejections when I was in high school and have been too timid to try my luck since. It’s not like I’m a cowering, blubbering mess when I’m talking to someone I like either, I just tend to think, “why bother? I know what they're going to say.” It’s loser mentality, which is stupid, I know.
But now there’s this girl who’s really interested in me. I’m not used to that feeling. We met in an English course. She’s attractive, way smarter than me, and funny as fuck. We have a lot in common, and she’s almost as cynical and black hearted as I am….. She’s perfect.
She’s got a lot of issues though. Within minutes of the first time we talked she started telling me about how much she cuts herself and about how often she’s tried to kill herself. She’s bipolar and schizophrenic. She’s told me that she has a slew of characters that talk to her and who only she can see. She’s also mentioned something about a crazy ex-fiancé.
We are about to go on our first date in a few days and I am nervous as a son-of-a-bitch. Apart from dealing with the general nervousness that comes from being so inexperienced, I’m trying to determine whether this is someone I want to get involved with at all. I don’t have any knowledge in this department, so I don’t know if my hesitation is warranted, or if I’m just once again just looking for an excuse to remain alone and safe. Am I over thinking this whole thing? I feel kind of sick.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

P.S.

She also mentioned a male friend of hers our age who’s only been with one woman. She talked about this guy with a certain amount of disgust which has given me even greater insecurity. Should this concern me at all?

[ThatRobGuy]

Where to even begin...

This girl sounds like waaaaay more trouble than she's worth and before you get involved further and develop potentially deep feelings, my advice would be to stay away.

I think your lack of experience and lack of garnering romantic interest from other people is clouding your judgment here. Finally, you're thinking, someone is interested in me! The problem is that she can't get other guys because they aren't biting since she is kinda bonkers.

It's your decision, of course, but this doesn't sound like a good situation...

Good luck either way!

[outthecloset]

I agree, that girl needs someone with plenty of experience to take care of her needs.

[Pix]

You think you're timid now? I expect a few months or so with her will make you swear yourself to celibacy.

[Hayden]

Thank you all for your advice. I will take it into consideration.

You think you're timid now? I expect a few months or so with her will make you swear yourself to celibacy.

Can you please elaborate? My apologies for being thick.

[Rainbowmum]

Take it slow ,by all means go on a date but make sure she knows it's a casual date.
No need to rush things.

[Pix]

Thank you all for your advice. I will take it into consideration.



Can you please elaborate? My apologies for being thick.

What often happens to people who have as many problems as she does is that her meds stop working and/or she stops taking them and even if she doesn't become hostile to you then you could still find yourself a caretaker helpless to get her to stop cutting herself, wandering off, and worse, including genuine suicide attempts. And though rare (but I don't think as rare as many think) her starting new meds (or going off the ones she's been taking awhile, or possibly just the drugs running their course and losing their effectiveness) can even drive her to suicidal or homicidal acts, which can also include things like purposely driving on the wrong side of the road (perhaps while you're in the car).

If you decide you can't handle her and get out you may find she's not willing to let go and may resort to extreme measures to either get you back and/or to pay you back for hurting her by leaving (even if she told you to get the hell out of her life but then you won't come back when she wants you back).

And it's not just her. Such problems tend to run in the family and/or be caused by the family. Her ex is likely someone with severe problems such as herself and these types can become violent, or at least disturbing with a legal mess involved (and if she has to be committed she might be committed to the same psyche ward that he happens to be in at the time, and won't that just be fun, fun that won't necessarily end when both are out again). She may have made other friends (and enemies) with severe problems as herself. And though you weren't clear it sounds as though she's highly critical of others, and people like that with severe problems as herself have, in my experience, been all too likely to lash out at loved ones (it seems to me that they try to drive them away and then once they succeed they feel sorry for themselves and/or hate the one they succeeded in driving away, it's horrible to experience). And worse, mentally ill exes, friends, and family members might help her in any revenge against you that she feels entitled to.

And to top it off you're inexperienced and won't know how to proceed if things go wrong. If you complain that she's crazy you may find others commiserating but completely misunderstanding what you're dealing with (as there's a frequent "normal insanity" many romantic couples have to navigate other than true and severe mental illness) which may lead you to doing something ill-advised or woefully unprepared.

In short, by going out with her you're begging for a world of hurt (possibly physical as well as emotional and mental) and you may decide it's not worth it and never, ever seek to hook up with anyone else again once the two of you are over (possibly because she's dead). I'm not saying it's certain to end badly (but I'm certain it WILL be extremely challenging even if it works), but going by what you shared I think it's likely to. So my advice is proceed with extreme caution (or, even better, stay friends).

[Undreamt]

I'm normally very against writing people off because of things outside their control (ie mental faculties) however considering that you have had no relationship experience before I would say that it will be very difficult for you to recognize what is appropriate for the relationship, and when she needs help.

Clearly she is dealing with alot, do you think that you are in a position to be able to manage it?

If you are really keen for her then go for it.

However I'm a little worried that your selling yourself short because your trying to get into the game.

[jaxc]

well if things don't work out, you could try going out with one of her friends

[146Pic]

Hayden, I feel your pain man, but remember that you're way better off alone than in bad company. Instead of giving you advice, I'll just tell you that, by my experience, being lonely for a while and wanting tenderness (of any kind) seriously changes the way you see things.

I have myself been with a guy who had mental issues not even half as serious as what you described above, and once the first nice moments were gone, it was just a pure nightmare. Pix just gave you a perfect idea of what you can expect in his last reply above. It's not a question of whether it will happen, but rather of when it will happen.

There's nothing wrong with still being a virgin and/or inexperienced at your age. Trust me, the reality is that you'll gain experience way faster than you'd like when the right one comes around. It's just the way things are.

Good luck!