Husband in midlife crisis demands a houseboy (permanent threesome arrangement)

[Lalo]

I agree with all of the above, especially Bob In Tampa.

The "mid-life crisis" thing irks me though. The fact that you went looking for a reason why your husband is acting the way that he is, says a lot about your character and what kind of person you are. However, from everything you have written, this is no damn mid-life crisis! You are married to a psychological abuser who is addicted to dominance and control. This man has one goal in relationships and that is to empower himself by disempowering his partners.

I hope that you see fit to protect yourself from any more damage and get out. But when/if you do end this relationship, please seek out some professional counseling as well. You are a valuable human being. I hope that you start treating yourself like it. You deserve better. You deserve an equal playing field. You deserve the respect of having conversations with a partner, NOT ultimatums!

I wish you much love and strength in this situation.

[ManicReptile21]

You need to call him a BITCH the next time your in bed with him. then top him and dominate him unlike ever before then pack your bags and leave. theres nothing left in that relationship for you. get outta dodge and go find someone who isnt gonna drop you like a dime.

[Viltans]

I totally agree with Bobintampa, he needs an other 18 boy unfortunatly...

Maybe I'm wrong, but it seems after those years you're more mature, I mean your personality and you got an intelligence and even an independance which he doesn't see with kind eyes...
You're no longer be the teenager he met and he needs to have

So don't waste your time anymore, waiting too long for an inprovement... Let me tell you that, even if it's rude; I know what I say, because I lost ten years with my ex, and now I'm happyer...

Maybe you want to be loyal, maybe you're afraid of what he could do without you, because you really care about him and you believe the marriage values... But in this conception of a relationship, you're the one...

Excuse me , I don't want to offend you, and I am certainly not pretending that I have all the right answers , but I feel really angry when I see someone in the same case like me a few years ago! The worst is I know even you're conscious about the situation you will do all you can to save this relationship, because you're honest... I know because I was told the same advice, but I tryed... useless.

I really hope you'll find the better solution.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I'm sorry.

I would suggest couples therapy if you really want to try to salvage this.

There is clearly a lot more here than what mere communication can 'fix' you need a third party hopefully impartial to get you both to see each others side.

Personally this is one of my 'no go' terms that I set at the beginning of a relationship. I believe in monogamy - period.

I made the mistake of allowing a tryst in the second year of my long term relationships to slide, to discover 12 years later that he was having many trysts with something on the order of 10 different men a year for at least 120 men. That was my bad, I ended up wasting so much time and energy that I could have spent doing something more important, I don't know, like becoming the first house on my block as a nuclear power?

[Jry]

First, i do NOT belive this is a "midlife crisis." I say this because i find it hard to belive after 10 years together, you never knew he wanted a Master/slave or Dom/sub relationship.
He did tell me about it, and I played along for a while, but it isn't in my nature to be like that. Now that he found someone (James) that is willing to fill that role, he wants both... one for love, the other for his sick control needs, and I'd actually be fine with that arrangement if I wouldn't fear that I'd fall out of being the one who is LOVED.

I know this might sound hurtful, and you might feel used by him, but i'm betting that when this new "boy" gets a bit older, he'll kick him to the curb and find another young "boy" to replace him. Guys like your husband have a different view of what it means to be in a full, equal and committed relationship. And unless he gets counseling, he will not change.
I know that too, I was 18 when we met, James is 18 right now, and I want my husband to realize that James: a) won't be 18 forever b) might not stay with him for 10 years c)might not love him as much as I do d) My husband won't always be good looking enough to score younger guys.

He has power over you emotionally and financially.
You're right, he is the breadwinner and makes a lot more money than I do, I have a job but nowhere close to what he makes. I think that is something deep inside he enjoys, being in control in and out of the bedroom in all fields. Sometimes I think he wouldn't really like me to be financially independent, although he says he'd love the idea of me making lots of money, I don't think he'd like me to "call the shots" as he puts it.

So, while it pains me to say this, i fear that he hold ALL the cards and that if you give in to the boy moving in, it won't be long before he either kicks you out or you leave out of pure depression.
That's what I'm thinking about, I think I prefer to leave when I'm truly unhappy, miserable and no longer love him, than leaving now and wonder if I've tried everything to save the relationship.

If my partner put forth such an ultimatum I'd dump him in a heartbeat even if i do love him a lot(but I know that he never would). Strong dependence can only lead to problems in the long run.

You know he never would, just as I know the never would... and he did. I really did not see this coming, not to this extent. And yes, I let him take care of me, and now I see just how dependent on him I am.

You have been/are being seriously manipulated, and it not going to end well for you.
This in not a midlife crisis, but a rather grim control issue of your partner - not only is he controlling - he is cruel on top of it. To ask some to be a back up boyfriend to you is the utmost form of cruelty.

Finding out that he asked James to be the backup boyfriend has damaged me like nothing else. It was the most cruel thing he has ever done to me, he has "apologised" for it, but at this moment I don't believe much of what comes out of his mouth. Right now he is willing to lie and deceive just to achieve this own goals.

I'm not so sure it's midlife. Some men are very attracted to a certain age range, and I think you outgrew it and now he wants a replacement, and in 10 years he'll want a new sex toy.

I always knew he was attracted to younger, no problem there, the problem is being replaced after dedicating 10 years to a loving relationship, because he does/did love me back.

This man has one goal in relationships and that is to empower himself by disempowering his partners. I hope that you see fit to protect yourself from any more damage and get out. But when/if you do end this relationship, please seek out some professional counseling as well. You are a valuable human being. I hope that you start treating yourself like it.

I feel that too, I was vulnerable when we met, and now that I've matured, he wants someone else to take care of, it matches his daddy instincts. If this ends, I will definitely need counseling, I fear I may never trust anyone ever again, I know I'm 27 and I'm still considered young, but I never thought I'd be in this position, I truly thought I'd be with him for the rest of our lives. At least that's what he promised me, that he'd never leave me.

Maybe you want to be loyal, maybe you're afraid of what he could do without you, because you really care about him and you believe the marriage values... But in this conception of a relationship, you're the one...

Excuse me , I don't want to offend you, and I am certainly not pretending that I have all the right answers , but I feel really angry when I see someone in the same case like me a few years ago! The worst is I know even you're conscious about the situation you will do all you can to save this relationship, because you're honest... I know because I was told the same advice, but I tryed... useless.

No offense taken, I wrote my story because I need advice, or at least just being able to put into words what I'm going through. I will try to save this relationship, at least I'll know that I've tried.

I'm sorry.
I would suggest couples therapy if you really want to try to salvage this.

I suggested it and he refused it right away! He is absolutely convinced that he is right and that this is all OK. He knows that I love him so much that I'll swallow whatever crap he throws at me, right now he owns my ass. I wonder if he will realize how much he is losing once I'm gone. For his own good, I hope he indeed finds a lasting and loving relationship... maybe I'll find one too.

[monk]

Sadly, this is always the danger when you let another person enter your relationship. You may intend it to be just for sex, but who knows what emotions may be stirred up?

Good luck for the future.

[Aeneas]

your feelings on the matter don't seem to be a top priority on his agenda.

[princealbertofb]

You know he never would, just as I know the never would... and he did. I really did not see this coming, not to this extent. And yes, I let him take care of me, and now I see just how dependent on him I am.

...

...

... I fear I may never trust anyone ever again, I know I'm 27 and I'm still considered young, but I never thought I'd be in this position, I truly thought I'd be with him for the rest of our lives. At least that's what he promised me, that he'd never leave me.

...
I suggested it and he refused it right away! He is absolutely convinced that he is right and that this is all OK. He knows that I love him so much that I'll swallow whatever crap he throws at me, right now he owns my ass. I wonder if he will realize how much he is losing once I'm gone. For his own good, I hope he indeed finds a lasting and loving relationship... maybe I'll find one too.

First of all, I'm sorry for you, Jry, and for this situation to have developed. You didn't expect it and were too trusting, that much is clear.

I'm afraid he has clearly not realised that he has put you in such a position as you can't escape being cornered. It's very manipulative indeed. He's promised he won't leave you? Well maybe HE won't, but he's going to force YOU to leave. Very clever, he can play it cool and say: ''I didn't forfeit my promise, look I'm still here, it's just that I'm still here with my mistress (or lover, as the case may be)." It's a tactical way of putting the blame on you leaving him rather than the other way round.

If you two have been legally wedded, then I'd suggest you request a divorce on grounds of breech of contract. I know this is not a question of money, but you serving him with divorce papers might make him think again. You can at least try that option.

You certainly have to find out which levers are legal to activate to get out of this relationship without being the total loser. It's bad enough falling out of love. Did you sign any pre-nuptial agreements? In your naivety you may not have thought these necessary at the time, but then that will also possibly be his downfall. If you don't have any such arrangements, then possibly you can have half of what the couple has, on grounds of sharing what you've got conjointly. I think this husband of yours needs to know that you mean serious business.

Is this man's love and affection worth fighting for? If you're not going to get the love and respect back (that seems to have gone already) you might as well get compensation for the losses you will incur when having to go looking for your own place to live etc... Most wives would sue the bastard, there's no reason why this should be different.

The only point he has (slightly) in his favour is that you let this happen (so it wasn't without your consent, that'll be a difficult point to bring up). You could plead unfair pressure, and incompatibility of characters now. I'm surprised that a man almost 50 does not realise that a marriage contract is a serious one.

Some women's tactics is to leave the house and return if the conditions are bearable and accpetable, or else it's a case for break-up. I would pack my bags, since I'm not wanted. I'm sure he'll realise whether or not he misses you, and he'll realise it quicker than he thinks, despite boytoy being there to cover up. I'd explain to James that what's happening to me will happen to him, just so he doesn't get expectations. A warning and a threat, maybe just a kindly word of advice, for what it's worth. At 18, James can probably not even see further than the end of his nose. But that's HIS mistake to make if he's going to go down that route. For the moment, he may see himself as a USER, before he realises he's being USED, as you have now realised.

Your safety and mental sanity first. You have a job, presumably some friends and family, and you could probably live on your own for a while, or with family or friends, while you try to find your bearings. You'll have to forgo the jacuzzi and the lovely house (if that's what you've been used to, but you can manage very well without those things - they are just the trappings of a modern consumer society). Your peace of mind has no price, to be honest.

I'm afraid I don't know the legal obligations you have one toward the other in your particular marriage, but suggest that you go over it with a counsellor and find a lawyer to defend you, or at least some legal guidance if it's available to you. Have you got a lawyer friend?

Take care, and best of luck finding a solution or a way out of all this mess. Think of your own good, first.
PA

[Vaylen]

By saying "Leave him behind and move on" I would be diminishing something that really bothers you to to a very oversimplified solution...but while I am not as wise and experienced as most people who have commented on this thread...I can say that sometimes there is a simple solution to a horrendously large problem, no matter how hard it is to realise that.

I don't mean to sound like a douche, but to me it sounds like your mate rather spend time with "the youthful body" rather than with love. He got together with you when you were 18 and now you seem to have (as extremely mean as it might sound) been outdated. If you would leave this man, I presume this story will be repeated with James, once he is in his later 20s.

I don't know you and I don't know your mate...but from your description you sound like a loyal, loving person and you deserve one who shares your traits in that department. This mate of yours does not seem to possess them. While I personally am against threesomes (as I see intimacy as something deeper than purely physical) he seems to have had a bigger idea with the whole thing than "spicing up the relationship".

I am really sorry you have to go through this, I really am...but while I don't want to oversimplify the solution, I really can't see anything else at the end of the tunnels than moving on and leaving him behind you. You are still young and there is a world out there which is ready to embrace you with warmth, joy and happiness if you will embrace it and of course...yourself.

I wish you the best of luck, my friend. *Hugs tight*

[Lilmy87]

Hiya,
What a distressing situation! There is one thing that did occur to me, and I apologies most sincerely if I am wrong, or sound offensive of judgemental. You got with him when you were about 18, it seems. And he was significantly older. Now you are 28, no longer a boy/very young man, and he wants another 18 year old. Some men, gay and straight (and probably some women, too, I suppose) are just really into very young partners. Obviously I don't mean underage, but just at that point, the brink of childhood and adulthood... very, very youthful. Maybe as you became a little older, he needed someone else to fill that role. In a few years time, quite probably the house boy will too old for him too and he'll want another 18 year old. Or this boy may change his mind about the arrangement. I

Whether or not this is true of your partner, men who feel this way have quite a sad life- their love is fleeting, because youth is so important to the love, and everyone ages. The person they loved disappears, into older adulthood. And they are left to find another, each time looking increasingly hard, as they older they get, the less easy to attract the very young. I could be wrong about that, and I hope not to sound judgemental about age gap relationships.

Either way, it sounds like he considers your needs to be less important than his. To have a 18 year old slave boy share your home... it is rather a big ask, he must see this! If he has decided this is definitely what he wants, then it looks like you have each made your choices, and they are no longer the same.

Best wishes to you, whatever happens.