Confusion and Irritation

[Vow]

... This is actually not something I've really spoken to others about. Thankfully the internet offers anonymity, otherwise I'm not sure if I could actually do this. However, moving on to the topic at hand...

I have a wonderful girlfriend. Kind, patient, a geek just like me. I love her deeply. I hope she does as well. At times I'm worried that she's realizing how distant I'm becoming because all of this, and I don't know what to say.

I have a loving but deeply troubled father and mother. My father is a veteran of Vietnam (Rangers/Special Forces) and the drug and gang filled streets of Southern California as a cop. He once told me fondly of the time he and his Ranger buddies beat the hell out a member of their squad for hurting a homosexual prostitute he thought was a girl. Yet my father and his buddies also got rid of the incriminating evidence. Mostly in an effort to preserve the name of the Rangers, but...

And finally, myself. The first person who ever complimented my appearance was a gay boy in middle school. Before that, I'd joined into the hate-talk the other kids were spreading about him. Afterwards, he and I were friends. Yet I always felt a little jealous of him. A few years passed, and all of a sudden I'm out-gaying gay people (don't ask). I kissed a guy recently as well. I wasn't repulsed, it was actually kinda nice, and his blush was great.

I've always felt close to both guys and girls. I love to hug and cuddle with both sexes. I look at a trans person at my school every day, and I always want to tell them how beautiful they look...

Now why am I confused and angry? Because I don't understand how these things will equate. How do I tell my girlfriend I've kissed a guy and have done gay roleplaying (and greatly enjoyed it) in the past? How do I tell my father? My own head can't come up with an answer as to if I am damning myself. I can't even say how I feel about any of this. Rrrgh!

... sigh. I don't know anything. The more I try to make sense of anything, the less it makes sense. Am I gay? Straight? Bi? Why can't I even do anything other than hug and cuddle with my girlfriend recently?

What am I?... What about God? Is love of any kind to be cherished? I would think so, but...

I don't freaking understand. Hence...

Vow hurt himself in his confusion! *stars around head*

Ow.

--V

[Dan1980]

Hi Vow you may be bi. In your post you said you like cuddles with both sexes. Be honest to your self but you must be honest with your girlfriend as well.

[pellaz]

i dont tell my partner everything but I make sure there is no bad to tell him.

Love the one your with. Gay Straight it dosnt get any better, its still a relationship. Serious dont kiss another boy as well as anyone else if you have a girl friend. Its not a bigger bad to kiss a boy.

and you expect things to be better if you tell her? dont be totally honest and expect the guilt to go away. Dont do it in the first place. The big ender goal in life is to create the least amounts of regret.

You dont own your parents anything. If they will not likely contribute to your emotional support how is it they need to know your bi. I know its rough to go out on a Friday night and know you cant say anything about the great guy you met. You cant say what bar you really were at. Come out to your self first but others can wait till your financially independent and can better handle them more gently kinder.

being gay, straight or bi is not a religion, its being selective who you are better to maintain a relationship with.
hope this helps?

[Vow]

I suppose it makes sense... still. I have a thing for being honest. Maybe too honest. I just... don't know.

The matter with my parents is especially grating. Being half-Mexican, family is one of the most important things we are taught.

Nobody in my family shows any signs of being anything other than straight. And clearly as I said, my father condoned a crime against a homosexual person in the past.

Just... damn it.

[pellaz]

just fyi:
my partner is from a close Mexican family. He has always been out to them since the age of 6. The family (not him) is very religious.

too many labels have been put on all this but there is no quick solution. I think you are doing the right stuff, think it through and take your time. Do whatever but always for your benefit, no one else. They dont sleep in your bed.

[Vow]

Hah... if only it were that simple in my case.
I will stop complaining, however. There are others in more dire straights than I.

[Dan1980]

Hah... if only it were that simple in my case.
I will stop complaining, however. There are others in more dire straights than I.

Vow we are here to help you. Feel free to PM me if you like to.

[AlfredM]

Hi Vow,it seems to me like you're still figuring out your self,hence,don't be too concern on the label,but focus on your feelings. Could you imagine having sex with both or either genders? Do you see your self being in a relationship with both or either genders? It could be that now you're into men,maybe later you're into women,or it's simultaneous right now. These are all bisexuality traits. Anyway,if you would like to take a short cut,try this test. It helped me in understanding my self a lil bit better,I hope it does to you too.

I believe that love in any kind is to be cherished,and god will be fine with it. As long as there's love,there's hope~

Oh,and don't be bothered about coming out to anybody yet,not when you still haven't figure out your self. Although you could ask for insights from your gay friend,he'll be less judgmental and more informative about this issue.

Good luck to you.