07-31-2013, 10:01 AM
... This is actually not something I've really spoken to others about. Thankfully the internet offers anonymity, otherwise I'm not sure if I could actually do this. However, moving on to the topic at hand...
I have a wonderful girlfriend. Kind, patient, a geek just like me. I love her deeply. I hope she does as well. At times I'm worried that she's realizing how distant I'm becoming because all of this, and I don't know what to say.
I have a loving but deeply troubled father and mother. My father is a veteran of Vietnam (Rangers/Special Forces) and the drug and gang filled streets of Southern California as a cop. He once told me fondly of the time he and his Ranger buddies beat the hell out a member of their squad for hurting a homosexual prostitute he thought was a girl. Yet my father and his buddies also got rid of the incriminating evidence. Mostly in an effort to preserve the name of the Rangers, but...
And finally, myself. The first person who ever complimented my appearance was a gay boy in middle school. Before that, I'd joined into the hate-talk the other kids were spreading about him. Afterwards, he and I were friends. Yet I always felt a little jealous of him. A few years passed, and all of a sudden I'm out-gaying gay people (don't ask). I kissed a guy recently as well. I wasn't repulsed, it was actually kinda nice, and his blush was great.
I've always felt close to both guys and girls. I love to hug and cuddle with both sexes. I look at a trans person at my school every day, and I always want to tell them how beautiful they look...
Now why am I confused and angry? Because I don't understand how these things will equate. How do I tell my girlfriend I've kissed a guy and have done gay roleplaying (and greatly enjoyed it) in the past? How do I tell my father? My own head can't come up with an answer as to if I am damning myself. I can't even say how I feel about any of this. Rrrgh!
... sigh. I don't know anything. The more I try to make sense of anything, the less it makes sense. Am I gay? Straight? Bi? Why can't I even do anything other than hug and cuddle with my girlfriend recently?
What am I?... What about God? Is love of any kind to be cherished? I would think so, but...
I don't freaking understand. Hence...
Vow hurt himself in his confusion! *stars around head*
Ow.
--V
I have a wonderful girlfriend. Kind, patient, a geek just like me. I love her deeply. I hope she does as well. At times I'm worried that she's realizing how distant I'm becoming because all of this, and I don't know what to say.
I have a loving but deeply troubled father and mother. My father is a veteran of Vietnam (Rangers/Special Forces) and the drug and gang filled streets of Southern California as a cop. He once told me fondly of the time he and his Ranger buddies beat the hell out a member of their squad for hurting a homosexual prostitute he thought was a girl. Yet my father and his buddies also got rid of the incriminating evidence. Mostly in an effort to preserve the name of the Rangers, but...
And finally, myself. The first person who ever complimented my appearance was a gay boy in middle school. Before that, I'd joined into the hate-talk the other kids were spreading about him. Afterwards, he and I were friends. Yet I always felt a little jealous of him. A few years passed, and all of a sudden I'm out-gaying gay people (don't ask). I kissed a guy recently as well. I wasn't repulsed, it was actually kinda nice, and his blush was great.
I've always felt close to both guys and girls. I love to hug and cuddle with both sexes. I look at a trans person at my school every day, and I always want to tell them how beautiful they look...
Now why am I confused and angry? Because I don't understand how these things will equate. How do I tell my girlfriend I've kissed a guy and have done gay roleplaying (and greatly enjoyed it) in the past? How do I tell my father? My own head can't come up with an answer as to if I am damning myself. I can't even say how I feel about any of this. Rrrgh!
... sigh. I don't know anything. The more I try to make sense of anything, the less it makes sense. Am I gay? Straight? Bi? Why can't I even do anything other than hug and cuddle with my girlfriend recently?
What am I?... What about God? Is love of any kind to be cherished? I would think so, but...
I don't freaking understand. Hence...
Vow hurt himself in his confusion! *stars around head*
Ow.
--V