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Swalter Im interested - what made you put it to the back of your mind until you were 35? When did you actually first encounter gay feelings?
[COLOR="Purple"]As I grow to understand less and less,
I learn to love it more and more. [/COLOR]
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
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Marky Wrote:Swalter Im interested - what made you put it to the back of your mind until you were 35? When did you actually first encounter gay feelings? I speak only for myself, I similarly pushed myhomosexual feelings to the back ofmy mind untilaround 27. I did so because I was raised to believe homosexuality wasimmoral, I did not want everybody to think I was immoral. It finally reached abreaking point, I had to let it out or it would kill me.
My first encounter with gay feelings, that I can remember, was my swim coach when I was seven years old. he was a handsome young Cuban man named Danny, I discovered I had a crush on him.
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Well, you may FEEL like you are attracted to less than stereotypical "straight" men, but apparently there is something in the back of your mind that does not agree with you.
Probably the fact that you denied yourself so long. Dont worry, its nothing fatal or long lasting.
You will work it all out sooner or later.
 
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hank Wrote:I speak only for myself, I similarly pushed myhomosexual feelings to the back ofmy mind untilaround 27. I did so because I was raised to believe homosexuality wasimmoral, I did not want everybody to think I was immoral. It finally reached abreaking point, I had to let it out or it would kill me.
My first encounter with gay feelings, that I can remember, was my swim coach when I was seven years old. he was a handsome young Cuban man named Danny, I discovered I had a crush on him.
So your parents actively told you from a young age homosexuality is wrong? Are you from a religious background or just traditional?
[COLOR="Purple"]As I grow to understand less and less,
I learn to love it more and more. [/COLOR]
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Marky Wrote:Swalter Im interested - what made you put it to the back of your mind until you were 35? When did you actually first encounter gay feelings?
I've been gay since day 1, but was in active denial for most of the time. I wasn't very popular in high school, and didn't really date anyone. In college and beyond, I found myself repeatedly pursuing married women whose husbands I knew. After dating 3 of them, and destroying a family, I realized my involvement with these married women was actually a result of passive-aggressive frustration I had with their husbands.
After that, I decided "enough is enough", and forced myself out to the local gay bars. It didn't take long for me to confirm what I knew all along.
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swalter Wrote:I've been gay since day 1, but was in active denial for most of the time. I wasn't very popular in high school, and didn't really date anyone. In college and beyond, I found myself repeatedly pursuing married women whose husbands I knew. After dating 3 of them, and destroying a family, I realized my involvement with these married women was actually a result of passive-aggressive frustration I had with their husbands.
After that, I decided "enough is enough", and forced myself out to the local gay bars. It didn't take long for me to confirm what I knew all along.
Ouch that sounds rough. Especially with the women with families. It sounds like quite an extreme way to deal with the feelings. Its good you finally found yourself though. Have you had many relationships with guys then and how do you feel now about it all? Sorry if Im asking loads I just find it interesting.
[COLOR="Purple"]As I grow to understand less and less,
I learn to love it more and more. [/COLOR]
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Marky Wrote:Ouch that sounds rough. Especially with the women with families. It sounds like quite an extreme way to deal with the feelings. Its good you finally found yourself though. Have you had many relationships with guys then and how do you feel now about it all? Sorry if Im asking loads I just find it interesting.
Happy to answer
I'm an extreme kinda guy lol. I'm autistic (high functioning) and sort of folded my awkwardness with sexuality into my general social awkwardness. I was able to almost completely compartmentalize, getting off only to gay porn while actively denying I was gay.
The turning point for me was retiring and moving to a new city. It was like being able to do a reset with my life and start all over. Once I stepped into the gay scene, it was all downhill from there. The awkwardness vanished almost immediately, and for the first time, I felt like myself.
I played fast and loose with my new found sexual identity and freedom, hooking up with guy after guy. Having suppressed my nature for so long, I felt like I had to make up for lost times! But about 2 years ago, after too many hook ups and 3 failed relationship attempts, I met the man of my dreams.
It was Thanksgiving, and I was home feeling depressed because my last boyfriend had just broken up with me the week prior. A friend of mine dragged me out of the house for drinks, and to help me get my mind off the breakup. We were playing pool, and this guy who I had been checking out came over and just kissed me out of the blue. Darin and I have been together ever since 
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MisterTinkles Wrote:Well, you may FEEL like you are attracted to less than stereotypical "straight" men, but apparently there is something in the back of your mind that does not agree with you.
Probably the fact that you denied yourself so long. Dont worry, its nothing fatal or long lasting.
You will work it all out sooner or later.
Well the particular straight guy I have a crush on isn't really the definition of masculine, he is different, a man apart from the standard football pussy crazed meat heads that constitute my other straight friends (which I never crushed on)
Perhaps it's that then, he is different, a little on the brooding side, complex and intriguing. He is a musician though not a singer. Huh, there it is I guess, at least five other straight men I crushed on share some of those characteristics.
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What I found in my own life is that the straight guys I've crushed on were actually guys who I admired. There was some aspect of them that I wanted for myself, almost coveted. These were qualities that I wished for myself, and my pursuit of these guys was actually a subconscious attempt to consume them.
The human mind is an incredible, and completely insane piece of biological engineering!
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Marky Wrote:So your parents actively told you from a young age homosexuality is wrong? Are you from a religious background or just traditional?
Yes they did, and yes I was.
My mom wasn't shy about sex and the feelings and urges that go with it. Atthe age of ten I understood exactly how babies were made. my mom had none of that growing up and got pregnant with my sister when she was fifteen. But along with that were discussions of what a homosexual man was (perverted child hungry pedophile and most certainly an aggressive carrier of aids bent oninfecting little boys with homosexuality and then aids)
My mother since apologized for her ignorance. But that was what agay person was, so that was the last thing I wanted to be.
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