There is no "reasonable amount of time" for stringing someone on.
Like humans in the entire world, whether gay, straight, bi or otherwise, there's going to be a faction who "acts out badly" and gives the rest of any group a bad name. That doesn't mean all of the group are like that faction.
It sounds like you seem to think, because you ran across one of those "behaving badly" types (who used you and hurt you) that you want to assume now that all gay men are inclined to be the same. That's just not true.
Some people (not just gay people) are users. Some people are sociopaths. Some people just don't give a fuck if they hurt others as long as they get what -they- want. Some people are con artists. Some people are liars.
This doesn't mean -you- did anything wrong. You fell for one of those people and they were skilled enough to pull the wool over your eyes for a while. From this experience, you should have gained a bit of knowledge on how to pick out users, to see the signs a little sooner next time if it happens again, etc.
What you shouldn't gain from this experience is the assumption that all gay men are like your ex and out to use others. Or that that's acceptable behavior.
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
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MikeW Wrote:So… If that wasn't happening after months of dating… that in and of itself would have been a red flag to me. Why should I get all emotionally invested in someone who doesn't feel the same way?
Now, if someone is being totally, consciously dishonest, indeed "stringing me along" (for whatever reason, be it sex, money, social advancement, being psychotic, etc.)....
We were exclusive but the "L" word hadn't come up & my attempts to have an open, frank, & adult conversation about "us" were always deflected or just didn't happen. I certainly considered saying "let's talk or it's over" but I felt things were progressing - just far too slowly. So, I can see where HE (&/or others) might say "it's MY fault for not leaving" due to "red flags" (although there were many other things that indicated to me the relationship was "growing").
In fact just before I was left I had just been thinking how much closer we'd been getting & "comfortable" with each other!? This was one sided obviously.
Even accepting my part of perhaps "allowing" myself to stay "in the dark" I still contend that for someone to "purposely" keep you "in the dark" knowing the other person is "expecting" & "wanting" & "genuinely" giving you 100% (not to mention treating you with nothing but respect, care & kindness) is fundamentally dishonest or at least playing reckless with someone's emotions. And the longer one would "use" their partner under such conditions the worse it is. Made all the more reprehensible to ONLY end things when something "better" comes along.
Maybe it was just plain run of the mill "looking out for #1" selfishness? Maybe I am just mad at being successfully "duped"?
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Yeah but you never know how these situations will turn out. When I was 19, I started sleeping with this guy who was 9 years older than me, and I was perfectly well aware that he was using me for sex and for the "ego thing" of having a younger BF.
But I got my revenge. The silly fool ended up married to me. And he's still trying to figure out what happened lol -
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Honestly... no that's not okay, and I would never do it. I have to fully trust someone before sex is even going to be an option.
But, just because one person uses you, doesn't mean all people will. I've actually been with a gay man, and he did use me--not for sex, but with the purpose of emotionally hurting me--and when I found out that's what he was doing (it was only two months, but anyway) I didn't let him ruin my life. I was mad for a while, but everyone told me I handled it well and I never assumed all men or all gay men would be like that. It might look to some like I did, since I ended up with a woman not long after, but I really can't imagine holding that ex's actions against anyone (male, female, straight, gay) except him.
And once it's over, you've only really got two options:
1. You can accept that he was a jerk and move on and find someone else who actually cares, or
2. You can let this one bad experience destroy your love life (and potentially other aspects of your life as well) and you can just keep dwelling on it and be miserable forever.
No matter how bitter you are, no matter how much it hurts, no matter how wrong what he did was (and it certainly was wrong) there's nothing you can do about that situation with him anymore. It's over. Now it's just up to you whether or not you try again with someone else. That's all there is to it.
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bilkiba Wrote:Honestly... no that's not okay, and I would never do it. I have to fully trust someone before sex is even going to be an option.
And once it's over, you've only really got two options:
1. You can accept that he was a jerk and move on and find someone else who actually cares, or
2. You can let this one bad experience destroy your love life (and potentially other aspects of your life as well) and you can just keep dwelling on it and be miserable forever.
No matter how bitter you are, no matter how much it hurts, no matter how wrong what he did was (and it certainly was wrong) there's nothing you can do about that situation with him anymore. It's over. Now it's just up to you whether or not you try again with someone else. That's all there is to it.
Trust will be a tough one now. This guy "seemed" very responsible in all other areas of his life but I have a feeling relationships is where he is "lacking." Very disappointed in him & wish I could just switch to not caring about him (since he doesn't about me). I almost tried being "friends" with him because I couldn't believe he could/would have done this (even though he did!?). Even now I want to find "excuses" for his actions so I can "go back" to thinking he IS the man I thought he was.
He "dropped the bomb on me" (his words) so "casually" & henceforth was like ice to me that I still wonder if I am the crazy one. Had I not stayed in touch with him idk if he EVER would have after that night. KNEW him almost 2 years before dating him for 18 months & then like flipping a switch - nothing between us?? Scary.
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I have never used anyone for anything, although there have been times when I've sought friends with benefits...not that it ended well.
Two examples:
Guy 1- I had sex with him quite a few times, but he seemed to get a little insecure that I couldn't see him when he wanted, and accused me of seeing someone else. We were never actually dating, so that was rather awkward. I tried to be friendly, but he was extremely difficult in the end. I've blocked him on WhatsApp.
Guy 2 was really nice. I wanted to be good friends with him, as he seemed to be cool and with it. We slept together twice, and I'll never forget how cheap and disgusting he made me feel each time. I tried to ask if he'd like to come back to town with me for a drink or something. He basically asked me if I could hurry up, get dressed and leave!
I haven't heard from him in a while.
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Cuddly Wrote:O_O
I hope you made that up, but in case you didn't, I'm so sorry to hear that!
Drugs are bad.
Oh please, I have never been robbed by a single drug, or held hostage at gun point, stalked, beaten, shot, stabbed... and I did many, many, many drugs in my youth.
People on the other hand..... :p
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Bowyn Aerrow Wrote:Oh please, I have never been robbed by a single drug, or held hostage at gun point, stalked, beaten, shot, stabbed... and I did many, many, many drugs in my youth.
People on the other hand..... :p
True. Although.... Meth in particular (I don't have experience with all of them) does change people. And not for the better.
Yes, it was his choice to start taking Meth. But the Meth definitely had a hand in my situation.
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I probably should've titled the thread:
"For how long have you used someone" (period) - for any reason - so as not to "focus" it on sex. I guess there are other things you might get "used" for. In my case sex was the only thing he "got" from me so I assumed that was his main objective.
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Sometimes people using each other is honest and mutual and way too often people assume sex without a "commitment" is a negative thing.
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