snooped through phone and saw something I didn't like

[Walvis12]

I do know the other guy he chatted to is a gay friend from his university days. Not that I'm concerned about who he spoke to, but maybe it is just the nature of their friendship.

Thanks everybody for your input so far. I really appreciate it the detailed answers.

[ChadCoxRox]

I'd confront openly and forgive sincerely and we'd both grow, depending on his ability/willingness to step up with all sides of the story and the truth. Make the trust you value, don't just assume it.

[Uneunsae]

I wouldn't be with anyone who said those things about me. A good indicator of a person's personality is how they behave when they think no one's watching.

[LJay]

Dump the mofo.

If he can talk about you in that way, he can easily fast talk his way out of it, especially since you do not seem to have the strength of your convictions. Joke or not, no one should be spoken of in that way. I think you are being played for a fool.

[Walvis12]

Im probably just going to observe him for a while before I make a decision...

[Adam]

I'm going to give you the reply I post on many threads.. If you want to know why someone else said or did something, the only way to find out is by asking them.

For you, this would involve confessing what you did and accepting the consequences.

There isn't any other way to find out where you stand with him.

[jimcrackcorn]

It could be that he was talking to his friend about how much better off financially you are, than his previous boyfriend who constantly mooched off of him. He might have been comparing you to his previous boyfriend (the moocher).

I'd start my investigation by asking your boyfriend about his previous relationship/s. Find out if any of them were moochers.

[Ryocchi]

Hi there,

Sorry for the long post.

I personally don't believe in going through a partner's phone and I would never go out of the way to do so. I think it promotes distrust and doesn't belong to a healthy relationship.

Last week the opportunity, however, presented itself. My boyfriend was expecting his friend to drop something off at home at his place, and he gave me his phone to await the "im outside the door" whatsapp message (he needed to have a quick shower).

While he was in the shower, I clicked on one other conversation and saw something I didn't like.

This is not about infidelity, but rather his motivation behind being with me.

The conversation I read was about me. To make things clear, I have a European passport and work for an airline (flight benefits). It went along the lines of: "He's taking me to Europe in September and all I have to pay is the visa. He's also going to buy me an iPhone for my birthday haha. I'm going to hang on forever. I don't need to worry about anything because he thinks the sun shines out of my ass and Im the boss anyway"

I was really hurt by it because there was no talk of how he actually FEELS about me. It was just absolutely materialistic.

I don't know what to do. I love him so much and I know telling him I read the conversation will ruin our relationship. There are no other signs of this at all, but his tone in that conversation was as though I didn't know him all. He is otherwise very loving and includes me in all aspects of his life. He isn't very open about his feelings, but I rather attribute that too him being a very quiet person.

I don't know if he's manipulating me or if i'm just paranoid. Should I just forget about it and never look at his phone again or tell him what I saw and potentially ruin the very good trust we have thus far built up. I'm very much an all or nothing kind of guy and probably think such a confrontation will end the relationship which otherwise seems fine.

Thank you! I wanted to hear another opinion. My friends are all giving me vastly differing advice.

You know what, when your boyfriend threats you like that with his friends, that is emotional abuse regardless if you're actually planning in giving him an iphone or taking him on a trip, you said it yourself, it didn't tell anywhere how he felt about you, let it go now and have your heart broken worse later.

I would just have plainly left his phone inside the house and went away to never come back, I love myself too much for that, even if your boyfriend has low self-esteem talking about you like that is a bitch move and who doesn't tell you he's not faking your relationship? there are master manipulators out there, at the very least I would suggest you confront him and make it clear this is not at all ok.

Made it clear that even if you love him, you respect yourself too much.

[Virge]

#1. Thank you for recognizing that snooping creates distrust that works against a healthy relationship.
#2. Thank you for not trying to rationalize your snooping to try to make it look as if you'd done nothing wrong.

Maybe this is a lesson you won't forget. It's a safe assumption the two of you haven't been together long enough to have built up the trust and honesty that really comes over time. If you'd been in a healthy relationship with this guy for a few years and found that you'd react the same way I would.... and laugh because you'd know he was lying to the guy he was talking to and maybe leaving it on his phone for you to find it and get your stirred up.

You're in a sticky situation and you put yourself in it. I know no good advice to give except to learn from this.

Good luck.

[Cuddly]

Hmmm...

I see multiple reasons for why that conversation was there.

#1 Serious. He's only with you because you provide him with iPhones and whatnot.
#2 Joke. Maybe it's a joke you just got the wrong end of? I mean, I could totally see myself joking about why I'm with my husbear. I could say that I'm only with him because he'll provide me with a big home and nice jacuuzis and all I have to do is blow him once a week. I'd probably never write it though, for fear of my husbear seeing it and being hurt by it.
#3 Trap. Maybe the other posters were on to something (wasn't it Cellar?). Maybe it's a trap to see if you really trust him. Do you remember the date of the conversation? If he set it up seconds before giving you the phone, that could indicate if it was a trap.
#4 Fitting in. Maybe the conversation is with a guy, who he feels a need to fit in with. In which case he will deny being attracted to you, because you're a fat white guy (just an example!) and he knows this guy would look down upon him if he willingly slept with a fat white guy, without having some ulterior motive.

Either way, the damage is done. If he's an abussive lying scumbag, then talking to him about it will not solve the issue, as he will just cry and confess to whatever you want him to, so you'll forgive him and he can continue abusing the hell out of your wallet.

Since he's not the boss and since he's financially independant of you, I don't really see the message as being serious or ill-intended anyway. Plus he gave you the phone. He wouldn't have if he knew there was something nasty on there.
Just talk to him, seriously. I'm sure there's a good explanaition.