Friend betrayed me and came on to me

[Anonymous]

So first of all I guess I've to say that I'm straight guy, but I support gay people a lot. I thought that gay people respect straights and don't try to seduce them, but unfortunately thanks to my friend now I have some doubts.

I've a gay friend, we're both 21. We're playing football together, and as I understand, he never wanted to come out, but it happened so that most of our teammates found out that he's gay. Of course, most of them were not tolerant, as they're straight guys. Jeering and mockery started. I was good friends with this guy already before he came out, so I stood up for him. The guys were planning to beat him up after training. I didn’t allow it and threatened them with calling the police. I accompanied him to his home and every day I waited for him at the front door of our training place. Because of my actions other guys started to mock me as well, calling us boyfriends and other crap. I can be quite nasty when it's necessary so I can stand up for both of us. He has became very attached to me since. Probably he feels safe or something, I don’t know.

And then he did what he did. One day after training we were late with showering, others were gone already and suddenly he hugged me, pulled me close to him and before I could ask what was he doing, he started kissing me. I was so surprised that my mind was kind of working in slow motion and I pushed him away only after some while. Maybe he took my hesitation as an agreement, but I just was so shocked that I couldn't react immediately. Of course, I was angry. He knew I'm straight, I told him that a lot of times, what was he thinking? He started to apologize straight away, but I felt betrayed. I helped him out all this time and what is he doing?

All this time I didn't judge him, I tried to understand, I tried to be a good friend. I protected him, I didn’t let our teammates to beat him up, I didn’t let anyone speak bad of him. And this is his way of saying "thank you"? By trying to seduce me? I'm gay friendly person, but I'm straight. Why should I respect his sexuality if he doesn't respect mine? Now he's begging me not to leave him and he says he needs my friendship very much, but hello - why are you coming on to me then, knowing very well I'm straight!

To be honest, I don't trust him anymore. I need help from gay people, because you probably understand what I as a straight person don't. Because I don't know what to do. I’m starting to regret ever helping him.

[TwisttheLeaf]

He has became very attached to me since. Probably he feels safe or something, I don’t know.

Maybe he took my hesitation as an agreement, but I just was so shocked that I couldn't react immediately

Now he's begging me not to leave him and he says he needs my friendship very much...

It sounds as if he has developed a crush on you. You are, in a very real sense, his savior and it's not uncommon for someone to idolize and even start to crush on another in that type of situation.

I would guess he took your hesitation not as agreement, but confusion over IF you want this or not. Kind of a hesitated "hmm, maybe..." response. I'm not psychic, but this would be my guess.

Lets be honest. When you have a crush on someone, sometimes you just can't figure out -how- to approach them about it. If you think you love someone, it confuses things including friendships and the "what should I do" aspect.

Being a besotted idiot, he probably hoped that the approach he used would tempt you to consider him as potential.

He made a misstep. He took a chance. Made a mistake. I'm not sure that you should persecute him for it and decide he's not trustworthy or worth respect.

What I DO know, is that you need to sit down and talk to him abut what happened. Calmly. Quietly. Tell him that you need to understand -why- he did what he did. Let him explain his actions in an honest discussion. You can then make it clear to him that you weren't interested and still aren't, but that you value his friendship. Ask him (after you tell him that) if he can handle being your friend in the future without it going further (or him trying to make it go further).

[Gideon]

Dude what you did, standing by him, supporting him, defending him was a very kick ass thing to do. That is pretty amazing, and it makes you not just an incredible friend, but a really good person.

You were likely an anchor for him when it seemed the rest of the world had turned against him. His -only- beacon in a shitstorm he didn't know how to deal with. And it probably meant alot more to him than you will ever realize.

As for your anger over that kiss? My opinion is that you need to give the guy a break.

You were his protector, his defender in a really, really difficult time and he reacted..whether out of gratitude for that or some feelings that developed because of it...he reacted. I really don't think it was meant as an offense to you or a disrespect for your choices....

Would you feel the same way about a girl kissed you who you had no interest in and stressed to that you were just friends or would you let her down gently and say "Okay so she's got some hero worship going on?" Because in the big picture, outside of personal fears and preferences and insecurities...what he did really isn't any different than that.

Talk to him, man, it was probably just a moment of madness and he's probably -terrified- now that he'd lost your friendship. If he was worth all that, then he's worth taking it down a notch and talking this out and remembering -why- he was your friend to begin with, yeah?

[matty7]

well firstly thank u for standing up to thugs...u saved him from...and ill be blunt. his head kicked in ,, the other 9 players were going to beat him up for been gay (brain damage is easy with a mob beating up one as they try to get their kick or punch in),, cowards

in his shoes u were his night in shinning armour that rescued him and all normal thoughts maybe went out of his head and he did what he did (has he apologised) because he should - u do need to put him straight though ., he is gay - u are not ,

why is he still with the team though ? he should take the hint and leave , and it gives you relief from the bullshit too , and you 2 a break from each other if needed

[Iceblink]

An easier way to think of this, think of a time when a girl in your life you were not interested in was interested in you and let you know it and what you had to do in that situation. Do the same thing. Very firmly make it clear that you are not interested and nothing is going to come of it. Give him a chance to be a friend again, but after making it clear that nothing can happen between the two of you and he still keeps at it, end the friendship.



lol...Just think, the OP could be the guy of interest in one of the many "I'm in love with my straight friend" threads we see here. Which I guess should serve as a lesson to the OPs of those thread- stop making assumptions about possibilities when someone has not made a mutual interest very clear to you.

[East]

I understand what you are feeling...I had the same thing with girls and I became quite angry after awhile. It is very uncomfortable and I felt like they didn't even see or hear me...and that pissed me off the most I think. My feelings and who I was didn't matter at all. It is a betrayal and a lack of respect and I totally understand the trust issue...I didn't trust the friendship with these women anymore and backed off permanently. I eventually decided to announce that I only wanted to hang out with lesbians from now on but I had one of the the most manipulative women I have ever known tell me she was a lesbian and what she wanted was the be my wife and have my babies...she thought if she hung around me long enough it would happen. I hate her guts ...trying to get past that right now. She lied to me for 35 years.....

In my mind...the only way to salvage any of this friendship is to be totally honest and for him to totally own it and the only way he can own it is to see what he did and understand the boundaries he crossed...

Good Luck!

[matty7]

I just hope u don't loose a good friend , u don't get many true good ones in your life time, and yes he broke every rule in the book - see how time mends this if its possible

[Cuddly]

You sound pretty awesome. It must be hard not to fall for you. Try to forgive him and explain to him, if you get the chance, that you want to be his friend and can forgive him for coming on to you, but that you're absolutely straight and would be offended if he came on to you again.

Where are you from? Cultural differences in attitudes towards gay people matter alot, sadly.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

You are his hero, and he loves his hero.

Sure he went about it the wrong ways to express that love, but considering what you have done for him he can't help to fall at least in infatuation with you, or crush - perhaps even hard love.

Us LGBT who are abused by others in society for our homosexuality are often feeling like helpless victims, we are outnumbered something like 98 to 1, when anyone stands up for us, defends our 'honor' and protects us we get a certain fondness for them.

He most likely likes a lot of other qualities you possess, and most likely has been a little in love with you for a long time. This recent stuff is going to lead to his feeling it a lot more.

Love is a hard emotion to deal with, loving a friend can, and often feel similar to loving a lover. There is a fine line between these two forms of love.

He isn't trying to betray you... He is most likely feeling a lot of emotions right now and just doesn't know how to express them correctly.

Pull him aside in private and tell him that you love him as a friend but not as a lover. Try to impress upon him that this is two different forms of an emotion.

Don't be too harsh on him. Love is a strange and powerful emotion, it leads to all sorts of mischief and mayhem, and makes everyone who gets infected go a little mad.

[Bluelight]

Well, that's unfortunate. That was inappropriate of him, and you have every right to feel a little mad about it, but just know that what you did for him was something that he probably couldn't even expect from a potential partner.

Also, a lot of gay guys have delusions when it comes to straight guy friends. Think about it, comparably, there are very few people who will realistically want to date any given average gay guy. When a gay guy feels really drawn to a straight guy, he will often look for reasons to believe that said "straight" guy might actually feel the same way about him. In this case, your devotion to protect him as a friend may have been enough to drive him to believe that his feelings might be returned.

I'm not in any way saying that you're wrong for feeling uncomfortable about this, just trying to help you understand what's going through this guy's head.