Friend betrayed me and came on to me

[Steve]

An easier way to think of this, think of a time when a girl in your life you were not interested in was interested in you and let you know it and what you had to do in that situation. Do the same thing. Very firmly make it clear that you are not interested and nothing is going to come of it. Give him a chance to be a friend again, but after making it clear that nothing can happen between the two of you and he still keeps at it, end the friendship.

I really like Iceblink's answer. I often think that we, generalizing gay people (sorry), don't remember that the labels shouldn't matter. If it were a girl in this situation would you have acted differently? LGBTBQ sexuality should also include heterosexuality. Not separate, but equal... just equal.

As for your specific dilemma, everyone who's posted in answer to you has said what I would have. Twist and Gideon both had really good advice. I don't think everyone is attempting to "defend the gay guy" here, but we've all (gay people) been in that freshly raw place after coming out. I imagine I'd see you as a hero too. It is sort of like when a patient falls in love with their doctor for somehow saving their lives. I can't blame the patient, but they need to be brought back into reality. Do you understand the simile?

[LJay]

"Thanks for the good vibes, man, but it's just not me. Wanna go have a beer?"

[meridannight]

And this is his way of saying "thank you"? By trying to seduce me? I'm gay friendly person, but I'm straight. Why should I respect his sexuality if he doesn't respect mine? Now he's begging me not to leave him and he says he needs my friendship very much, but hello - why are you coming on to me then, knowing very well I'm straight!

To be honest, I don't trust him anymore. I need help from gay people, because you probably understand what I as a straight person don't. Because I don't know what to do. I’m starting to regret ever helping him.

first --
nobody really knows anyone is straight until they know. there are plenty of straight guys out there who are into messing around with other guys. to know for sure entails making a physical move on a guy. your friend made a call and it went bad.

plus we all know how being in love can cloud your judgment, and moreover, it can make you cling to the slightest of hopes you can get not to give up. it happens.

it's even worse for gay guys, because realizing and admitting your own sexuality can be a difficult process for a guy. some guys act in contradiction to their nature because they can't admit to themselves that they're homosexual. so a guy can hope against seemingly all hope, even when another guy tells them they're straight.

he probably should have talked to you about this before springing it on you like he did, but it's not always so easy to control oneself. and on your end, you must have been ambiguous enough with the guy for him to think that making a move on you could result in a positive reaction from you. it doesn't matter you're straight. gay guys can fall in love with straight guys. you're a male, you're sexually attractive for him. don't tell me all this time you were so naive as not to realize the potential was there for him to fall for you? you recognized he became attached to you, but you couldn't recognize it could be because he was falling in love?

i don't mean to justify him too much though. he took a risk and on his side he knew full well what the worst outcome of his actions would be. he did what he did and he shouldn't expect you to look past it, and put up with everything. and you don't have to. you have to make up your own mind about this situation. you have to do what feels right. i don't know what else to say, because this situation is not something a stranger can decide on.

[Camfer]

He knew I'm straight, I told him that a lot of times, what was he thinking? He started to apologize straight away, but I felt betrayed. I helped him out all this time and what is he doing?

...
And this is his way of saying "thank you"? By trying to seduce me? I'm gay friendly person, but I'm straight. Why should I respect his sexuality if he doesn't respect mine? Now he's begging me not to leave him and he says he needs my friendship very much, but hello - why are you coming on to me then, knowing very well I'm straight!

To be honest, I don't trust him anymore. I need help from gay people, because you probably understand what I as a straight person don't. Because I don't know what to do. I’m starting to regret ever helping him.

Wow sorry that happened to you. It's always a drag when a friend you're not interested in hits on you in such a awkward way. It can take time to repair that friendship. You guys can get past it if you're both willing. Standing up for him so he wasn't assaulted was the right thing to do, so don't regret it.

I don't think this idea of "respecting sexualities" will be all that relevant in the long run. The real point is that you had NO attraction to him, so his actions were wrong. Focus on his inappropriate behavior, not the fact that he's ignoring that you're straight.

As for what to do, consider just getting him to say to your face that he will never ever to pull that type of crap again. Tell him you felt hurt and betrayed. Ask him for one final apology. Then agree that you two will never talk about it again, and go do something fun together you both enjoy.

I am sure the guy is already beating himself up over and over again for his rash and boneheaded action. It's fine to let him twist in that agony for a while. But it would be so awesome of you to forgive him.

I don't think there's the slightest chance that he will behave inappropriately again. But if he did, you'd surely end the friendship then.

Let us know how it goes.

[BlueStar]

Same situation happened to me where I was the gay guy. I value very much how you protected him, but don't give him any more reasons to approach you, bcz straight guys tend to play mind games on gay guys to avoid taking the blame for your kind of reaction when your friend kissed you.

This thread could help you somehow: http://gayspeak.com/showthread.php?t=32350.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for you awesome answers, guys!

To be honest, I've never given him any reason to come on to me, at least not knowingly. If we count showering as a reason, then what should I do? We must shower after training. Should I run home all sweaty just not to undress next to him?

And it's not that I just mentioned once about my being straight and he could forget it. No, we talked a lot about his being gay, I listened to him, I let him tell me everything he felt and everything that was bothering him AND I also told him about my relationships with girls and my feelings. It's not like I gave him mixed signs so that he could just decide to try his luck. When you know crystal clear that someone is straight, why would you still try to get close?

I just tried to look after him so that the apes from our team don't harm him. I just think it's unacceptable to make someone suffer just because he doesn't like what everyone else likes. That was all my intention. I just thought that if I can save someone from being crippled, why not do it.

Someone mentioned about leaving the team - I don't see how this could help him, as in any other team such situation would probably appear again and then he'd be there on his own as I'm not leaving. We've a great coach here who has big hopes on us and competition is soon.

No, most probably I won't end our friendship, I just feel really bad. Every time I see him now, I have to remember how he touched and kissed me and that makes me feel bad. And besides....how can I be sure he won't try that again.

[Virge]

I've made no secret about me having had my first crush on a straight guy I met in boot camp in 2005. He was cool about it but went out of his way to keep me from being tempted to make advances AND most of all he made it constantly clear to me he wasn't rejecting me for being gay or attracted to him. In December 2006 he introduced me to the guy I ended up REALLY falling in love with. So now my best friend from boot camp has been living with me for 4 years and he's closer to me than my own brother.

I'm making a note for him to come on line and give you advice on how he dealt with me. This is something that it seems almost every young gay guy goes through during his first few years and I would be nice if you can work your way past this and form a strong friendship. Try not to be too hard on him for what he did. He'll outgrow it and appreciate you standing by him.

[hank]

So first of all I guess I've to say that I'm straight guy, but I support gay people a lot. I thought that gay people respect straights and don't try to seduce them, but unfortunately thanks to my friend now I have some doubts.

I've a gay friend, we're both 21. We're playing football together, and as I understand, he never wanted to come out, but it happened so that most of our teammates found out that he's gay. Of course, most of them were not tolerant, as they're straight guys. Jeering and mockery started. I was good friends with this guy already before he came out, so I stood up for him. The guys were planning to beat him up after training. I didn’t allow it and threatened them with calling the police. I accompanied him to his home and every day I waited for him at the front door of our training place. Because of my actions other guys started to mock me as well, calling us boyfriends and other crap. I can be quite nasty when it's necessary so I can stand up for both of us. He has became very attached to me since. Probably he feels safe or something, I don’t know.

And then he did what he did. One day after training we were late with showering, others were gone already and suddenly he hugged me, pulled me close to him and before I could ask what was he doing, he started kissing me. I was so surprised that my mind was kind of working in slow motion and I pushed him away only after some while. Maybe he took my hesitation as an agreement, but I just was so shocked that I couldn't react immediately. Of course, I was angry. He knew I'm straight, I told him that a lot of times, what was he thinking? He started to apologize straight away, but I felt betrayed. I helped him out all this time and what is he doing?

All this time I didn't judge him, I tried to understand, I tried to be a good friend. I protected him, I didn’t let our teammates to beat him up, I didn’t let anyone speak bad of him. And this is his way of saying "thank you"? By trying to seduce me? I'm gay friendly person, but I'm straight. Why should I respect his sexuality if he doesn't respect mine? Now he's begging me not to leave him and he says he needs my friendship very much, but hello - why are you coming on to me then, knowing very well I'm straight!

To be honest, I don't trust him anymore. I need help from gay people, because you probably understand what I as a straight person don't. Because I don't know what to do. I’m starting to regret ever helping him.

I was a closet case all through school it's crushing lonelinessespecially ifyouare ina more masculine area of study. i was desperate for affection and closeness. I developed crushed on my friends. I am not excusing what he did, and you are 100% right he needs to respect your sexuality. I never have been in that situation so I don't know how you feel, but you have the right to feel betrayed. But don't let that spoil your friendship. Once trust is broken he has to work to get it back. You are a good friend to hom and he probably needs you more than you need him. Explainit just how you did here to the board. He will understand. Especiallythe partabout respecting your sexuality.a

[hank]

Thanks for you awesome answers, guys!

To be honest, I've never given him any reason to come on to me, at least not knowingly. If we count showering as a reason, then what should I do? We must shower after training. Should I run home all sweaty just not to undress next to him?

And it's not that I just mentioned once about my being straight and he could forget it. No, we talked a lot about his being gay, I listened to him, I let him tell me everything he felt and everything that was bothering him AND I also told him about my relationships with girls and my feelings. It's not like I gave him mixed signs so that he could just decide to try his luck. When you know crystal clear that someone is straight, why would you still try to get close?

I just tried to look after him so that the apes from our team don't harm him. I just think it's unacceptable to make someone suffer just because he doesn't like what everyone else likes. That was all my intention. I just thought that if I can save someone from being crippled, why not do it.

Someone mentioned about leaving the team - I don't see how this could help him, as in any other team such situation would probably appear again and then he'd be there on his own as I'm not leaving. We've a great coach here who has big hopes on us and competition is soon.

No, most probably I won't end our friendship, I just feel really bad. Every time I see him now, I have to remember how he touched and kissed me and that makes me feel bad. And besides....how can I be sure he won't try that again.

He has a crush on you, you don't haveto give him a reason. Sticking up for him makes you an awesome person. He admires that, I do. He was taking a chance. No telling what he was feeling.


when you say that you feel bad how do you mean?

[Keith]

Love drives a man crazy. U are being so good to him, protect him, which makes him fall for you. Just one time, he wanna show you how he felt about you, so he kissed you. Do not hate him, plz. I know that feeling. I loved a straight guy before, and i know it hurts, especially when he was with his gf. It`s just love which can not be gone easily. You are a nice guy! And you have no idea how it feels for a gay guy when a man protects him everyday. I would love you if i was him.