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Crush on a teacher
Anonymous Wrote:Inow he probably hates me.

That's extremely unlikely. I know some kids, even as old as 17, still think the entire world is obsessed with them and constantly judging and criticizing but most adults aren't anywhere as focused on you as your peers are (and chances are your peers in general don't care one way or another about you as much as you think, too, though many teens do like to "judge before I'm judged"). That is to say his feelings about you aren't anywhere as strong as yours are for him or even what other kids in school are for you.

What is hopefully (dare I say likely?) the case is that he's concerned about you because you're his job. This means he cares, but distantly. He's seen scores, perhaps hundreds, come through his classes, and you're just one more grain in the sand, here today and gone tomorrow. He wants you to get your act together and do well.

This doesn't mean he wants to punish you for failing at it, nor is he likely to cry if you fail despite his best efforts, but he would PREFER that you get your act together so that you can hopefully become an adult able to function in society and creating a life you can at least be content with. If he can help you, great. If he can't...that's too bad, but he's got so many kids to worry about.

By the way, I also wanted to add that you really should speak to a trustworthy adult about your feelings and how to handle them. If you don't know anyone then call counselors for gays (naturally, hang up if they say you need Jesus). You should not be acting this way at 17. GOOD counselors can help you find better ways to cope with such feelings, though it usually takes some practice before it works. (Unfortunately, not all counselors are good.)

And unless you LITERALLY believe you will die if the authorities don't intervene then it would be unwise to say you're thinking of harming yourself as they won't likely take chances that you're just being melodramatic (though genuinely upset). That means emergency measures, and that means you will be dragged out of your closet (and likely your home) as the authorities become involved.

yeah right - talk to him.....so he could laugh about me. I don't wanna even see him cause the only thing I want to do then is just hug him.

there also some others that are failing in his class.....and he doesn't ask them to stay after school and talk....

You're a troubled young man and any excuse to talk to you, should be used by any good teacher. Being 17 you're undergoing physical and mental changes. These changes aren't coming from just nowhere. Sadly hormonal imbalances caused by puberty play a big role in teenage suicides. Whenever I feel sad without any tangible reason I remind myself that it's just a temporary condition caused by brain chemistry.

My advice to you is to stop worrying about what others may think, and put this behind you, so you can get back to school. School is important and you shouldn't be missing out on it because of something as common as a crush.

I'm a high school teacher and this happens to me every year - teenage girls having a crush on me. It may seem funny but it's not, it's a delicate situation and could ruin a teacher's career. So for your sake and his, I strongly advise you to keep quiet. Don't mention your feelings to anyone.

I'm not sure I agree with MisterLove about not talking to *anyone*. A lot of it depends on where you are, what counseling resources are available. It sounds to me like you *do* need to talk with someone, *if* there is someone available you can trust, preferably an adult. If not, then talking about it with us is better than nothing.

As others have said, having a crush on a teacher isn't that unusual. However, it is *only* a crush. I know it feels intense, sort of painful and confusing, and may be driving you a bit crazy. But if you're thinking about killing yourself, you need to try and find some balance in yourself.

Killing yourself is never a good idea. It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. There are SO many things to live for -- so many wonderful experiences you'll have in your life. Even today, I bet there are some things around you that are worth living for. I don't know you so can't say what they are, but think about this. You know how much fun you've had at different times in your life, right? Well, there is a lot more fun to be had -- but you have to live to have those experiences. Whatever it is in your life that you enjoy and helps you feel better about yourself, pay more attention to that and less attention to the painful things like this crush. That's how all of us get by -- focusing more on the good and less on the bad.

Also think about who you love or who loves you. Do you love your parents or your brothers or sisters? Do you have a best friend? Imagine how painful it would be for you if something happened to one of them? Well, so imagine how painful it would be for them if something happened to you! I get it, you're hurting and not sure what to do. But harming yourself will only hurt the people you care most about.

I've had crushes on guys who I couldn't have -- and I suspect most everyone here has felt this way about someone at one time or another. It hurts and it sucks and can make you feel nuts. Believe it or not, this is all just part of growing up and learning how to live as an adult.

I get it, you don't know what to do about these feelings and apart of you just wishes they'd go away. So you're doing the only thing you know how to do -- keep as far away from the teacher as you can. Well, that is *one* solution. The down side is it is going to mess up your grades and *could* get you into a lot of trouble. Worse, if no one else knows *why* you're behaving this way and you feel you *can't* tell them, you're stuck between a rock and a hard place.

So, what to do? How are you going to handle these feelings?

I have a few suggestions. I don't know you well enough to know if they are the right ones to suggest but here goes:

1) If you're having sexual and/or romantic fantasies about your teacher, stop doing that. I know that is easier said than done but you can do it. Just whenever you find yourself thinking or fantasizing about him, realize that is not healthy for you. It's making you feel bad and like your life is out of your control. Well, it isn't. You *can* control these thoughts and feelings but you have to *try*. It takes practice but you can. Just think about something or someone else. At first you won't succeed, but keep trying and eventually you will.

2) Ask yourself what the teacher "represents" to you? What is it about him that makes you want to be with him? Is it the way he looks? Is it the way he acts? Is it because he is older, more in control, an authority figure? Is it some combination? Is it because he seems to have it all together and is more grown up? Try to understand that these qualities don't belong only to *him*. In a couple years you'll be old enough to find someone who has these qualities that you *can* have experiences and a relationship with. I understand you may not believe that, like he's the "only one" -- but that isn't true. Use this as an opportunity to learn about yourself. This is the *kind* of man you're looking for. If you let yourself, you'll soon see that there are other guys out there that you can 'bond' with, have fun with, even fall in love with -- maybe even build a life with. But you're not quite ready yet. You have more learning to do. Learning about yourself and learning about other people, especially other men.

3) Stop avoiding the teacher and your class. I know this is the hardest of all. Instead, just go to class. Pay more attention to the lessons and less attention to *him*. It will be a struggle but you can do it. Again, if you find yourself fantasizing about him in some way, just stop. Bring your attention back to what the lesson is. Focus on that. I know at first this may be almost impossible but if you keep trying you'll a) learn what he is teaching which will help you get through and out of school so you can go on with the rest of your life and b) you'll learn an even more important lesson about how to control your own urges, thoughts, feelings and obsessions. We ALL have them and we all have to learn how to deal with them. We eventually learn that we *can* have a lot of what we want in life -- just not *everything* we want. That's what makes life worth living!

I hope at least some of what I've said is helpful. If we can be of more help, let us know how. That's what we are here for.

he's not much older than me, he's 25... and I'm afraid to attend the class again cause i've missed so much that actually I need some document to justify my absence, he'd probably ask....i don't have that of course.

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Anonymous Wrote:he's not much older than me, he's 25... and I'm afraid to attend the class again cause i've missed so much that actually I need some document to justify my absence, he'd probably ask....i don't have that of course.

Document smockument. It's in yours and their best interest to just move past this episode, for your education's sake. So if they ask for a document, just explain to them that you didn't feel well, mentally, but that you now feel better and wish to catch up and get back on track.

They're there to help you, not to crush you at every step of the way.

Cuddly Wrote:Document smockument. It's in yours and their best interest to just move past this episode, for your education's sake. So if they ask for a document, just explain to them that you didn't feel well, mentally, but that you now feel better and wish to catch up and get back on track.

They're there to help you, not to crush you at every step of the way.
That's exactly right. But of course when you're a teenager it doesn't seem that way at all. It seems like it's all about "do this, don't do that". You're under their authority and they seem to know what you're supposed to do, whether you want to do it or not, and that seems unfair.

But Cuddly is right, you can get this under control. Ok, so you don't have the document -- I assume some statement from your parents? Well, ok, so are you going to let that screw up your education? Maybe stop you from graduating or getting your class credit?

What other options are there? Is there another teacher teaching the same class? Can you transfer to it? If not, well, is it a class you have to take? Can you drop it?

I know when you're young the way these things work seems fairly weird. But, again, the adults around you are there to help you, believe it or not. You just have to let them know you have problems. You don't even need to confide what those are exactly if you don't want. Just let them know you *want* to get back on track but are having a hard time and see what they say. Take it step by step.

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