Struggling to figure myself and my needs out

[Rareboy]

Therapist/Counselor. Not a psychiatrist. He explained that most of the time these days, psychiatrists don't see the patient for too long, but let a therapist do the talk-therapy part and then the psychiatrist prescribes any medication since they have the Doctorate to do it.

I'll be trying to call up my insurance to get a psychiatrist set up today, if I can remember. Work has been ultra busy and stressful.

And I don't lie about everything to everyone. But, I have lied about so many things for so long to my wife. It's a trust issue for me. I don't trust her not to get upset by whatever it is I'm lying about, so I'm trying to prevent a fight or a problem. And yes it usually backfires eventually, either cause she finds out on her own or because I tell her, but I just keep doing it.

My best friends, who are men, and my ex-girlfriend, I don't lie to them. I don't fear judgment or a harsh negative reaction (although my best best friend did verbally beat me up when I told him I cheated on my wife, he's the reason I let the guilt in and told her). So maybe that's what it is. But even though I don't lie to my friends, it's not like I tell them absolutely everything either. Told them a lot, but some things I keep private even from them.

I can call this one, even without a degree in psychiatry or psychology.

You aren't lying to protect your wife or your kid or your friends.

You are lying to protect yourself from blame or recrimination or consequences. You think you are making up for it by self-blame. It doesn't. It is juvenile behaviour that probably has its roots in how you were treated by parents, grand-parents and other adults in positions of authority who could dole out punishment. You also may have the wiring in your brain that allows you to lie compulsively. Get beyond this and you might yet save your life and not damage others.

[Virge]

I can call this one, even without a degree in psychiatry or psychology.

You aren't lying to protect your wife or your kid or your friends.

You are lying to protect yourself from blame or recrimination or consequences. You think you are making up for it by self-blame. It doesn't. It is juvenile behaviour that probably has its roots in how you were treated by parents, grand-parents and other adults in positions of authority who could dole out punishment. You also may have the wiring in your brain that allows you to lie compulsively. Get beyond this and you might yet save your life and not damage others.

Everything [MENTION=21495]Rareboy[/MENTION] said is true. The purpose for the counseling is to learn to accept all that and develop the tools to deal with it in better ways.

And if you start trying to use the counseling or mental health issues (depression, insecurities, blah blah blah,) as excuses for your behavior you'll only be fooling yourself.

[ZackT]

We'll see. I know self blame doesn't make up for behavior, but that won't put a stop to either anyway.

And everyone else has tried to be so forgiving and understanding and it's like "come on now, I'm the bad guy here, stop telling my wife she needs to try and understand me more and give me space". Fuckin weird.

[Darius]

Zack, I agree with you. You are to blame and the bad guy in your relationship. Owning up to that is the first step. It does not mean you go on beating yourself up for the rest of your life. If your wife forgives you, then accept it. Now work at changing.

By the way, Virge, I think you are wrong about licensed clinical social workers being a 4 year degree. It requires a masters degree and they earned the letters behind their names.

[alex27]

ZackT, First don't beat yourself up to much over this. You are only human.
Secondly you can still retain a close friendship with your wife and see your child. I believe from what I have read that you have tried living with your wife as a couple and it hasn't worked. You should support the child and your wife as much as is possible from outside the family home. If your wife wants to leave state and return to family, consider following her and living nearby, you wont want to miss the precious time with your baby. You cannot remain in a sham relationship with her so that she doesn't leave state, its not fair on either of you. I am interested in what you said about being the submissive one/the one aiming to please when with a man. Does letting a man take control of you and dominate you excite you? Could that excitement be the driving force behind your desire to have sex with guys?

[ZackT]

I am a submissive bottom in the bedroom with a guy. That excites me greatly. But past that, I'm not sure. I don't want to be constantly dominated in regular life, I'd rather be equal. I love the idea of someone who's independent and we can enjoy doing things together, but they're fine to be alone or doing something without me too. I don't really have that right now.

[alex27]

I find that very interesting. I often read about and listen to what makes men tick. So with your wife you were just the "giver" because you had to be. All I can say is don't meet up with any men until your wife knows that its over and you wont be trying to repair the relationship etc. If she is clinging on to you, its unfair for you to be going off and meeting guys for sex or anything else. How does the land lay with you and your wife at the moment, if you don't mind me asking?
Keep well!
Dean Alex

[ZackT]

It's up and down. Some good, some bad days. Still have secrets that may eventually come out, and that always messes things up.

[alex27]

Just try and look forward to the point when you are happy and your family are happy again. It will happen, you just have to be brave and accept that. Try and find somewhere to live and just support your wife and kid. Its not your fault and you mustn't blame yourself constantly.

[ZackT]

I disagree, but that's nice of you to say.