Open Relationships - what's the big deal?

[parogue]

Greetings,
So as a relatively inexperienced member of the gay community I would appreciate if someone could clarify what exactly the purpose of an open relationship is. My uncles bf tried but failed miserably so I'm hoping someone here can help.

We both agree that sex does not define the relationship and I understand that but other then having sex with another guy(s) is there an actual purpose to an open relationship? Do they exist because one partner is unable to completely satisfy their partner? Or is it just because they want variety? Or is it something more complex?

I realize my libido is pretty high and I realize that it's unrealistic to assume that all guys could "keep up" but by the same token If I was in a relationship and my partner was not interested in sex as often as I was I don't have a issue taking care of myself. I wouldn't necessarily want to go find another guy if I truly loved my partner.

And I know with the advent of PreP some people are becoming more adventurous in regards to sex and in some cases tossing safety to the side because they are "protected" by the pill. I've seen an increase in condom use in general with open couples but I have also seen a decline in use by the younger generation because they do not believe HIV is a concern for them.

Any insight you guys have is appreciated, I have zero experience in regards to dating other guys and I'm sure this is a topic that will come up at some point, but I'm not understanding it as of now.

Thanks,
Andy

[JohnSomebody]

I've always assumed that the term "open relationship" meant that you are entitled to have your cake and eat it too so to speak. In laymen terms ....you are with me ...but we can have sex with others outside the relationship as well.

[CellarDweller]

I've always assumed that the term "open relationship" meant that you are entitled to have your cake and eat it too so to speak. In laymen terms ....you are with me ...but we can have sex with others outside the relationship as well.

that's how I always took it too.

[cestmoi77]

That's my understanding as well.
I do sometimes wonder as well in open relationships how much the decision to be "open" is "mutual". In most of the open couples I know, I almost feel as though it's one partner who's more keen on the relationship being open in the first place (probably the one with the higher libido).

[Virge]

I'm dealing with that same question right now since all the drama my and my guy went thru recently (let's NOT go into all that on this thread)

This is all just theory on my part.
I'm beginning to see that it might be possible to love-the-fuck out of one guy as a complete soul mate and partner in every sense of the word and maybe, just maybe be able to deal with some extra curricular sex.

A few weeks ago I ready to throw away a relationship I've invested almost a third of my whole life in just because he did something with his weenie that didn't involve me and only me. On any level that seems stupid now. I'm trying to work out the fine points before I start a dialog with him about it. The good thing for us is that we never officially declared the relationship over when I was so mad. We called a time out to give us time to think things over and come up with solutions to save what we have and maybe make it stronger.

The big game changer for me was stepping out to have some extra curricular sex of my own. It was enjoyable, exciting and all that but ... honest to god, five minutes after it was over I felt more drawn back to the guy I love than I did before screwing the other guys. In fact since I did that my guy and I have been able to open up to each other in ways we never did before.

I'm definitely not saying I'd like to have a relationship where he and I are are having sex with others more than with each other. In fact neither he or I would want that. I'm just saying there are times when it would might possibly be okay as long as it was done without the feeling of sneaking around or having to lie about it.

I'm still not sure. I'd like to hear more from guys who have more experience with this --- tell the good and the bad.

[cestmoi77]

Sorry to hear about your dramas, Virge. Big hugs to you.

[East]

What it means to me...different strokes for different folks....

I think it is up to the two individuals involved to define their relationship...and redefine it if the need arises....and if the adults involved are consenting...rock it baby....

[cestmoi77]

Indeed, as long as the people concerned are in agreement......personally, it wouldn't be for me, but we're all different.

[MikeW]

Any insight you guys have is appreciated.

First off, welcome to the forum parogue!

I'm a firm believer in the MYOB theory of life. I can understand that you want to think about this and try and understand it but it is helpful (IMO) to not get judgmental about what OTHER PEOPLE chose to do with their lives or their relationships. You can have whatever kind of relationship you and your partner(s) want.

Personally I've been in four relationships. The first (age 23-24) was a ménage à trois, me with my bisexual BF I met in college and his woman friend. It was an "open" relationship for all of us (we did that kind of thing back in the early 70s). Eventually he and his lady married, had two children, now older than you are, and they're still together. I know he, at least, occasionally had affairs on the side.

My second relationship (age 27-37) was with a woman. We defined it as an "open" relationship. I did not go outside the relationship for sex, however she did a few times. Although we separated we remain good friends to this day (like brother and sister).

My fourth relationship was with a man 3 years older than I (age 40-47) it was a monogamous relationship. He died of a brain tumor after seven years.

My fifth (and probably final) relationship (age 47-51) was with a man 10 years younger than myself and it was an open relationship from day 1. However, although this was THE most intensely sexual and passionate relationship of all that had gone before, it was ALSO the most disastrously troubled. This partner died of HIV related complications in 2010 (I'm HIV-) but we'd already been separated for 9 years. Since our separation I've been (mostly) celibate.

Now, why?

Personally I'm of the opinion that relationships, real, solid relationships, are hard work. True they can have an 'easiness' about them. Not every moment needs to be spent dealing with some difficult issue. However, people are imperfect. We ALL bring baggage (often baggage we don't even know about) into a relationship. So there's always a dynamic going on inside a relationship that requires everyone to (hopefully) learn how to KNOW and SPEAK and HEAR their own truth and that of their partner. That takes work.

So, that said, I don't think the degree of work that a relationship takes (having experienced so many types) has anything to do with whether it is open or monogamous. FOR SURE an open relationship is WAY more challenging IF the people involved are NOT on the same page. When ever there is a situation like that what's really going on is that people are NOT acknowledging, accepting and speaking their own truth. <<< And that's the real issue.

If people know themselves and what they really want and are up-front with one another about that -- and whether or not they can relate to that or not -- things can work out. If both guys truly want to be monogamous, no problem. However, just as with the above scenario, if someone agrees to a monogamous relationship but hasn't been honest wit himself about his libidinal needs, the relationship will be fraught with drama. He'll probably come to resent his partner and more than likely will cheat on him.

The short of it is, know what YOU want and recognize that WHAT you want in a relationship with ONE guy may NOT be the same as it would be with ANOTHER.

[Virge]

Sorry to hear about your dramas, Virge. Big hugs to you.

Thanks. I bet you can type pretty fast with a 3rd arm.