Are you into men much older than you, or much younger than you?

[TigerLover]

Oh I had a massive crush on my economics and business teacher. He was pushing fifty always wore well tailored but not flashy suits and you could there was muscle underneath, not much but impressive for a 50 year old.

But it wasn't just physical. Before he went into teaching he had run a successful business for a decade. He had this self assured confidence and he just naturally commanded respect from adults and students alike. When I was sixteen I crushed on him so hard I idolised him, he was my role model. He wasn't just the man I wanted to be with, he was the man I wanted to be.

Today my passion for older men has simmered down quite a bit. I have no interest in men younger than myself but it feels a bit creepy to go after someone my fathers age. My current boyfriend is seven years older than me and that suits me perfectly.

I do still have a thing for short cut, salt and pepper hair though. Seriously nice N' easy for men is an abomination and should be banned.

[Cobalt]

I posted a rather long essay-type response but it went into moderation and I haven't seen it since. Hopefully it gets put up soon as I think it had a little something to contribute to the discussion...

[Wolfpack]

I like to be with someone of about the same age as me, no more than ten years apart really.

[Cobalt]

So I tried to post this once before a little over a week ago but because I was under 50 posts it went into moderation. It was never heard from again. So I'm just going to type out this rather long post again. I think it's pretty relevant to the topic so I'll give it a shot.

As long as I can remember I was always attracted to significantly older men. When I was very little (five, six, seven) I remember really enjoying being around older men (guys who were in their 40s mostly). I didn't understand it or why I felt that way but I had feelings I couldn't explain about them. I would wish to hug them or cuddle with them or wanting them to put their arm around me and hold me close to them. I was far too young to think of anything sexual but, had I been able to fathom that concept, I'm sure I would have wanted that too. My relationship with my father at that point was totally fine, mind you, so this wasn't a desire for a father figure. I had a father figure and was perfectly happy with that, yet I still had those strong feelings for men. It did not apply to boys my age or older boys, it was exclusive to older men. As I got older this feeling did not change, if anything it intensified.

When I was about seven or eight I went to a water park with my family. I remember vividly going into the locker room and seeing all kinds of men in there. One man was probably in his 40s and completely nude. I remember looking at him and really enjoying the full frontal view. It wasn't a moment of “oh gee what's that?!” it was a feeling of 8-year-old-boy lust (or whatever sort of lust can exist for someone so young). I couldn't exactly stop and stare but I remember having the odd feeling of really liking what I saw with no explanation as to why. It didn't make any sense to me until years later.

When I realized I was gay for sure, which was probably at about age fifteen, I realized my attraction was still exclusive to older men. Kids my age did nothing for me, guys in their 20s may as well have been females, and almost every thirty year old did nothing for me. Once I started getting into guys in their 40s and 50s, then all the bells and whistles went off. That aspect alone is what gave me trouble with coming to terms with being gay. How I felt was so foreign and I had no one to identify with. I had known about gay guys but didn't know anyone who felt like I did. I thought maybe I was straight but just had some sort of weird interest in older men. I learned later on it wasn't the case, I was just as gay as gay could be and just had my own specific targets of affection.

My first “crush” was when I was about sixteen. It was on one of my teachers who I believe was 52 at the time. I remember sitting in class and fantasizing about him. Being in study hall and day dreaming about having sex on his desk. At night I would be alone with my fantasies of him and would happily jerk off thinking about him. I felt guilty because he was married with kids but I couldn't help my strong attraction to him. I had him for classes until I was eighteen and graduated, never to see him again. Years later I met my partner that I'm with now who is 59 years old. I did the math over the years and realized the teacher I lusted over would be the exact age as my partner now.

My point? I know who I am and what I want. History and experience tells me if I wasn't with my partner now, I would be with someone much the same age. There is no changing me. Asking me to date someone my age is (in my eyes) the same as telling me to be straight. I cannot do anything about how I feel and it took me years to accept that I do not want to. And how do I feel about my relationship and who I am now? Perfectly happy and in fact, never happier. I do not care what people think of my relationship, because I know I am happy and I know my partner is as well. We've talked about his past relationships (there haven't been many) and we've realized he has never been happier or with someone who was as good to him as I am to him. This is not me tooting my horn, this is fact. We love each other and have a relationship that works for us. We constantly give to each other and do things for each other. We respect each other, we love each other. Our relationship put simply: it works.

So if the point of this topic is to increase understanding/try to understand older/younger relationships then I'm all for that. No one should interfere in others happiness. Especially when it involves two fully consenting adults. People who have a problem with it be damned, their say and opinion doesn't matter. Life is hard enough as it is, if you find someone that makes you happy: go for it and never look back. That's what I did and I've honestly never been happier.

[darren23a]

I've fallen in love with men both older and younger.

My best friend and ex partner is 20 years older than me, my ex husband was 4 years older than me but the guy I'm falling in love with now is 10 years younger.

I haven't found there to be an issues in regards to the era they grew up in. Sometimes they may have mentioned a TV show or a song I've not heard of before but that happens with guys my own age and 2 minutes on youtube resolves that issue. I find that it's more a meeting of minds, when a guy has a way of thinking or a sense of humour that connects with me I tend to start falling in love with them.

I have no daddy issues either, I have a fantastic relationship with my father and always have done.

As a side note, I hate the term "age appropriate relationship". Which puritanical asshat gets the job of deciding what age range is appropriate for me or anyone else? I'll fall in love with who ever I want thanks, regardless of their age. If that upsets someone else they should probably get a hobby.

[Cobalt]

I very much agree with you Darren. Can my partner and I always relate on every topic? Of course not, we have our differences. He likes following the news closely and likes politics, I hate both of those subjects pretty intensely but I try and participate for his sake because I know he enjoys it. We may not always understand where the other is coming from or why a certain person feels the way we do but we try to understand for understanding's sake. To me, a relationship is about respect, understanding, and love (and in that order to, because you can't have one of those values without the other one(s) before it). Age, race, religion, etc. etc. may make you closer and give you equal grounding on certain levels but it does not guarantee a good relationship. Everyone divorced or in bad relationships that I know of are people who are very close in age!

[trywait]

As a side note, I hate the term "age appropriate relationship". Which puritanical asshat gets the job of deciding what age range is appropriate for me or anyone else? I'll fall in love with who ever I want thanks, regardless of their age. If that upsets someone else they should probably get a hobby.

I couldn't agree with you more. it's no one else's business who I am in a relationship with

[Chameleon]

I'm only into guys who are my age...

[Cuddly]

[MENTION=22914]Cobalt[/MENTION] I agree with it all and have had the same experiences. My husbear is 30 years older than me. Same age as my parents, but they accepted him into our family and we all have alot of fun together. One thing you've left out, which I treasure, is the storytelling. He has so many captivating stories to tell and I could lie in his arms and listen to them for days. It's kind of how we spent our first date, between other things *smirk*.
I feel the same way, completely. Those. 18-30 guys with their sixpacks and tanned bodies might as well have been women. They're completely off the radar.

[Cobalt]

Thanks for contributing your own personal story Cuddly.
My partner and I didn't really get to have a first date exactly, as he was visiting from Texas while I was in Massachusetts. We talked online for about four months before we finally go to meet in person. We shared a hotel room for a weekend and that was the start of our physical relationship, we had pretty much been in a relationship up until that point.
The first time we said I Love You was when we got to our hotel room. We talked about how we both felt that way for weeks now but were too afraid to say it to the other person. Our long distance relationship was both the best and hardest time of my life. Leaving him was difficult, especially on the trips where I knew it would be a few months between visits. I'm happy those days are behind us and we're together permanently but I do not envy any person who is in a long distance relationship. They can work, but they are not at all easy or for everyone.

I suppose for me I'm a present and future oriented person. I've never been one to listen to stories much. That doesn't say I don't like to hear about my partner's experiences or about others, but I like to keep my focus on the experiences yet to be had or the ones I plan on building with him. I enjoy when he shares his interests with me and I am working on sharing my interests with him (my being a very private person is something I've always struggled with). I enjoy knowing I have a friend, lover, and partner all in one wonderful person. I wouldn't trade our times together for anything in the world.