Is this true of gay relationships?

[Darius]

If there is no discussion of monogamy, then the monogamy does not exist.

Period

If that's what you want in a relationship, then you need to make that clear. You need to talk about it and both agree to it. This is the same whether the relationship is straight or gay.

This concept just seem so weird to me. When I think of a relationship, I think of two people who have made the conscious decision to be together. It came after initial attraction, a period of dating and getting to know each other very well (those might be the key words) and lots of talk about what they want in life i.e. marriage, children, where to live, etc. At least for me, the need to talk about faithfulness never enters my mind. I just assume if I am in love and I have come to know and understand him well and we have shared our hopes and dreams for the future, that monogamy is a given. Is that being naive to make that assumption? Not for me.
I know people make a distinction between cheating and open relationships, but I see them both as anti-relationship things.

[johnny196775]

I feel very very lucky to be in the relationship i am in. Like i won the lottery.

[Tombo]

I read sexual activity outside of a primary relationship is "often" not considered a major offense in gay relationships where as most emphasis is placed on emotional fidelity and love, not solely on the sexual aspect. This literature went on to state that gay men should discuss monogamy arrangements upfront and what constitutes fidelity and that gay men cannot (or should not) assume the same heteronormative construct and unspoken rule that sexual monogamy is a given. What do you guys think of these statements? Agree? Disagree? Further input?

Now, to kind of apply this at a personal level, if two guys never had the discussion and the other one goes out and plays without my knowledge, how should I react? Should this be cause for breaking up? My guy went out and played (for a long time) without me knowing. Otherwise, we're really really in love, but he clearly cannot be monogamous. I think he always probably wanted to be honest, but was too afraid of asking for an open arrangement maybe too fearful I would leave(?).

Thanks

Eww, dump his ass! That is totally not acceptable!

[princealbertofb]

A study conducted in San Francisco back in the 1970's indicated about 50% of gay couples were in open relationships. If we go by this study,,, then we can assume that about 50% are monogamous,, and the other 50% are in open relationships.

In either case,,, the boundaries of a relationship should be discussed, and both parties need to agree on what they expect & want in the relationship.

Seems to me, [MENTION=11919]jimcrackcorn[/MENTION], that these figures probably apply to most of humanity, where half of the populatin craves monogamy and sticks to it (until the partner dies or disappears) while the other half likes to have some love and sex on the side of a main partnership.. Gay men are maybe a little more honest about it than straight couples.

[princealbertofb]

Isn't it just a question of not taking things for granted, in any case? People feel betrayed mostly when they are confronted with a piece of truth that they weren't ready to face, like the fact that they are not 'unique' or that their partner may be interested in having different sexual experiences with different people.

Assuming that the default setting in your partnership is monogamy is silly. I'm not even sure the rights and duties of a husband to his wife (or now to his husband) always make it clear that there is a duty of monogamy (sexual monogamy) despite there being such words as 'owing your spouse fidelity'.

Mariage being a contract, it does make some arrangements in law compulsory, but it doesn't actually say much about paramours or other sexual encounters. Mariage (and other forms of relationship contracts) do give the spouse or partner certain rights, (over children, over inheritance, legacy, etc ...). The 'love on the side' does not get his or her say in those matters, regardless of the quantity of time spent with the lover. Being someone's mistress or lover must have its perks, but the outer partner might feel short-changed sometimes.

[GuyOverThere]

I'm strictly against open relationships. How can you truly love your partner if you're having sex with another man? The idea is just completely alien to me.

I don't get why gay men have commitment issues. It's not difficult is it? How can we expect diversity and acceptance from our straight counterparts when we don't take ourselves seriously?

[InbetweenDreams]

I'm strictly against open relationships. How can you truly love your partner if you're having sex with another man? The idea is just completely alien to me.

I don't get why gay men have commitment issues. It's not difficult is it? How can we expect diversity and acceptance from our straight counterparts when we don't take ourselves seriously?

I'd say for about 99% of people open relationships don't work. Nope, I don't know the secret. I'm not really for them, I know people who do go that route and they have been able to make it work for them. I don't see myself ever going the open relationship route but the only possible way I could ever agree to something like that would be something like a threesome, but I don't really like the idea of threesomes anyway.

That being said, I am right there with you. Whether it is cheating or an open relationship I would consider him to not have much respect and probably doesn't love me. Now I'm not saying it is the case for everyone or that everyone has to abide by what is considered a traditional/normal relationship. What about all those Mormons in Utah? I think a lot of people would disagree from having more than one wife, but they do it in Utah (polygamy is illegal in all other states in the US). I suppose some people make it work, just not our cup of tea.

It is philosophical, kind of like a religion. We're sitting back thinking how could anyone believe this utter nonsense, it's crude, outrageous and disrespectful. While for them, it may very well enrich their relationship....or not. However, doesn't mean we or anyone for that matter should force it on our partners if they aren't comfortable with it.

When I think of reasons why heterosexuals don't take gay seriously for wanting monogamous relationships I don't think so much about real problems we have. I think for the anti-gay activists it is more about their selfish religious views and forcing them on everyone else. Obviously not every case, but I think it is a good generalization, at least here in the southern US. People at large are pretty ignorant and insensitive. However, I think the biggest problem we have as gay males is Grindr, supposed to be a dating app but just about every person on there is somewhere between a creep or someone looking for a hookup and often the guys who look for a monogamous relationship are left thinking there's something wrong with them when really most guys on there are looking for everything but that. Are there exceptions to the rule? Sure, I have talked to guys who were normal, but the majority of the time I talk to someone it goes:

Them: Hey how are you?
Me: Good, how are you?
Them: I'm horny

Then they send me a picture of their penis and that's the end of that. I don't know how many times I've had that conversation. I think Grindr undermines what being gay is really about. I think it paints the picture that we're a bunch of horny heathens who screw each other for the sake of screwing when it really isn't the case, I know a lot of happy gay couples and I want to be in a happy gay monogamous relationship.

Anyway, hope this helps someone at some level...did become a bit of a rant.

[trywait]

I want to be in a happy gay monogamous relationship.

isn't that what most of us are looking for?

[InbetweenDreams]

isn't that what most of us are looking for?

I guess that depends on where you look. Lot of people looking to just hook up, or just end up with a physical relationship.

[dimondd]

I read sexual activity outside of a primary relationship is "often" not considered a major offense in gay relationships where as most emphasis is placed on emotional fidelity and love, not solely on the sexual aspect. This literature went on to state that gay men should discuss monogamy arrangements upfront and what constitutes fidelity and that gay men cannot (or should not) assume the same heteronormative construct and unspoken rule that sexual monogamy is a given. What do you guys think of these statements? Agree? Disagree? Further input?

Now, to kind of apply this at a personal level, if two guys never had the discussion and the other one goes out and plays without my knowledge, how should I react? Should this be cause for breaking up? My guy went out and played (for a long time) without me knowing. Otherwise, we're really really in love, but he clearly cannot be monogamous. I think he always probably wanted to be honest, but was too afraid of asking for an open arrangement maybe too fearful I would leave(?).

Thanks

Hey Bud.

I would believe this to be true of gay couples. There is no discussion these days within relationships. If i was you i would move on. He cheated on you several times and risked your health to, so he does not care about your at all.

I'm no saint. I have cheated on most of my guys. Mainly because they were too conformable in the relationship mode and thought they could relax and because there was no communication or it was not their strong point, i just did what i wanted to do. No questions were asked so that tells me that non were interested in the first place. Talking should always be the first port of call in relationships. Within solid and open communication it does not work.