Not Good Enough

[Flyerboy95]

I wish I knew the trick to being more confident and be less anxious about everything. I tend to quite often feeling like I'm the edge, or worrying about things...usually things I either can't control or don't have control of...like maybe if I had a private email server or something....

....and no I don't always feel like this but it is far too often I think.

Going back to school I do feel like I might be a little too old and yes I do want things to move faster. I do feel like I have been left behind and I hate feeling like that, kind makes you feel like a loser...like what have I got to show for the last 10 years? The other real problem is financial. I don't know how the hell I am going to handle all the debt I currently have and then add another $20k to it just so I might be able to make a little more money. I can't stand another.... 10 years in this place, I just can't do it. I want things to speed up so I can get the heck out my parents house and yeah I know probably that building a new computer isn't helping anything...no matter how I try to rationalize it...

So, yeah maybe it is the inner critic, but I do worry about money a lot and how I'm going to get out of this place before I get too much older.

I used to sit and wonder what the 'trick' was to being more confident and less anxious, then I finally realised there isn't one. Sure, some people find it much easier than others. But it has to be built up, you won't just wake up one day and have more confidence or feel less anxious, and I think realising that myself was a turning point because I knew that I really had to stick with goals I wanted to achieve etc. As I said above, Mindfulness helped so much with that, have a research, there's loads out there online. Initially I thought (Mindfulness, that stupid bullshit isn't for me', but please at least have a look, you may be pleasantly surprised like I was :-)

Another thing I've realised is your perspective of yourself seems to be a little off, like it was for me at times. What I mean, is let's take for example you say you think you're ugly and overweight. Well the latter may be true, but the former isn't. And even if you're not the most beautiful looking guy on the planet, I'll tell you what you're not right now: you're not physically disabled, you haven't lost all your hair due to cancer or some other disease, you haven't lost your eye sight, you don't have a burn on your face from a terrible accident - there are people on this planet that have to live with those things, and you're not one of them, so just think about that, and realise how much worse you could look or your life could be.

The same for you being sick of living at home, you still have a home to live in, you're not out on the streets or in some hostel. It's all about perspective, and I know it's easier for me to sit here and say this because I'm not in your situation, but as much as you think your life could be a lot better, and maybe it could, it could also be much, much worse.

[Flyerboy95]

I have had people try to turn me on to juicing but never really did it. I have tried a few of the drinks and some of them are good but I don't see how it is healthy in the long run. I think I may have even made a thread on it once.

I was doing a lot of the right things but I slowly stop sticking to them. I haven't been out for a run or anything in months. I started tutoring a student a while back and just fell out of the habit and then winter set in and I hate going to the gym. Just don't like the atmosphere and never found a gym partner either.

Yeah, I never liked juicing - amongst many of the effects it has, some of the nastier ones are diarrhoea and messing up your metabolism.

Well there we go then, at least you've highlighted why it didn't work, you didn't stick to it. So you can try again :-) As I say, it doesn't have to be a run, just a short walk everyday makes a big difference. I know you won't always feel like it, and it's easy to make excuses not to go such as the weather etc, but hey, put on a coat. Forget about the gym for now, it's not an essential element of losing weight, you can go walking and easily exercise at home, all for free, in your own time, and in your own company.

[InbetweenDreams]

Yeah I know things could be much worse. I'm not throwing a pity party. I want to move out so I can get on with my life. I mean who, as far as dating goes, takes a single 30 year old gay guy seriously? Or am I wrong for thinking that. All goes back to me feeling like I have been left behind.

My losing weight failed due to yeah I kind of got discouraged and I couldn't afford the food and of course that was after I realized the portions were really too big. It's not like I stopped and put on all the weight back on, I have some but the problem was that I wasn't making the progress I wanted or expected to make. I guess that's the problem with making an excel spreadsheet estimating to lose 1 lbs a week and at first it's great progress then you're behind and no matter how many miles I ran or how active I was I didn't make any progress after a while. I mean the first 4 weeks I lost more weight than the next 4 months. So I was doing something wrong...I guess.

The other thing is that I hate treadmills, I very much prefer the outdoors. I don't mind it being cold...but it is dark when I get home and won't be for another few weeks before there is enough daylight to really do much outside.

Budgeting yeah probbably need to do that. I have kept better track in the past and really these days I can't seem to sit down and work on it and then get upset doing so. My problem is that I have $8k in credit card debt...I attribute that mostly over having that sports car that I really couldn't afford. Before went off and did that I had a good bit of money in savings. But it was one thing after the other...had to buy this for the car, or well I don't have any money for this I'll charge it and pay or it later... Then I had to go buy expensive speakers and crap and oh I need a bike to do the triathlon...oh my new phone fell on the ground and shattered ...had to replace it because insurance wouldn't... So in short I made a big fucking mess and it isn't going away until I can find the balance so that I'm not trying to make too big of payments to try to pay off the cards and then not have to use them. So yeah I went and did some dumb things. Only other thing I can think of would be to try to find a 2nd job to help pay it off...otherwise I have no idea how or when I will get it all paid off and really rather no have a 2nd job but might be the best thing to do...

[Flyerboy95]

Always remember with weight loss, that if you're doing a lot of exercise, you also build muscle weight, and if you're drinking more, water weight. So just because the scales say you've put weight on, or not lost, it doesn't mean it's in the form of fat - it could be muscle, water, or even food in your body still. This is though, as you say, a rubbish time of year to try and diet and exercise, so I do get you.

I didn't think you were looking for pity - I hope my replies didn't come across too blunt.

[LJay]

OH, Axle!

Sometimes I want to squeeze you 'til you pop!

Everyone faces an uphill battle. Some seem to do better than others, but if you look below the surface most are battling with themselves. You have made real progress on several fronts. You just have to keep on truckin'

If those portions were too large then start over and make them a bit smaller. If it is too dark at quitting time, take a few minutes to take a walk at lunch. If you think that an online degree might be rough, try an online course to get a start.

And if you think a 30-year old single gay man is not interesting, try being near 70. Believe me, you are interesting enough to be a solid contender.

And juicing is stupid and silly.

Get movin' man. You don't win races by sitting still.

[InbetweenDreams]

OH, Axle!

Sometimes I want to squeeze you 'til you pop!

Everyone faces an uphill battle. Some seem to do better than others, but if you look below the surface most are battling with themselves. You have made real progress on several fronts. You just have to keep on truckin'

If those portions were too large then start over and make them a bit smaller. If it is too dark at quitting time, take a few minutes to take a walk at lunch. If you think that an online degree might be rough, try an online course to get a start.

And if you think a 30-year old single gay man is not interesting, try being near 70. Believe me, you are interesting enough to be a solid contender.

And juicing is stupid and silly.

Get movin' man. You don't win races by sitting still.

Well portions are smaller now... still do meal prep sort of just less components...just a chicken breast and some frozen vegetables... It's the only thing that seems to work that is both inexpensive and reasonably healthy...for lunch anyway. Like I say I don't think it is in the budget to cover all 3 meals 7 days a week. So I have to eat dinner, most of the time with my folks who well don't know or care what healthy eating is and think it all tastes like shit (because they can't cook). Sorry if I sound like an asshole saying that but they have been eating the same meals, the same way for the last 30 years and they are not willing to try anything new. Anyway...

I like to walk about 3 miles...same as running and just don't have the time or really the space here at work to cover much distance... Hell half the time I never leave the office while I work since I bring my own lunch and ugh it can be a bit monotonous at times. Usually everyone else goes out to lunch and I stay behind... So basically just will have to wait until it is daylight again when I am off work.

Not saying I'm not interesting... but probably not the most interesting, there's a lot of things I guess I see that other people do that I don't do or never have done and I guess I get the feeling everyone wants someone who has done it all, no one wants a n00b to say camping or whatever. There was one guy who had a fit because I wouldn't hike the AT alone and never having done anything of the sort before... Sounded like bad advice to me... My point thought was who wants to date or get involved with a guy who is in tons of debt and lives with their parents. Sounds like a bad investment.

I really just want to get out, have my own place...or a place with someone. Just stability and independence. I mean it would be nice to end up with a good relationship and with a really good guy but heck the odds are stacked against me, I feel.

I really just wonder if should consider medication?

[meridannight]

I always feel that I'm just not good enough at anything. I don't find myself attractive and I think people who say that I am are making a charitable lie to make me feel better.

I'm gonna be honest with you, axle, you're no Joachim Löw or Alexandre Verga (two examples of exemplary masculine beauty, in my opinion). But you're very handsome (at least from what I can tell by the pictures, and it's true that pictures aren't exactly the best to go by in this regard, but it's also true that yours are more honest than some others).

I would totally date you, and I do find guys like you attractive in real life.

I know everyone is going to say, "you need to love yourself" or "quit making excuses" and crap but telling me that isn't going to help. It's not like I haven't heard that before and doesn't change how I feel. So those who been here but aren't anymore what do you do to really change how you feel about yourself? I mean I know I am all I got... I get that.

Yeah, I agree, telling that is not helpful. Moreover, it doesn't sound truthful in 2017 anymore. It's been overdone so much that when somebody says something like that it comes across as some automatic response that they picked up in some self-help book or a Hollywood movie. Removed from real life. In other words, it's fake. And it doesn't help.

I also think that it's okay to feel bad about yourself sometimes. Obviously, it shouldn't become pathological. But it's not such a disaster either. You don't always have to love yourself. Negative feelings are okay as well. They're part of you. It's a lot better to feel genuine sorrow than fake bliss.

I don't think I've been feeling like you describe (in general, I have the opposite problem, I like myself, all my faults included, and sometimes I can be unnecessarily arrogant/self-centered or dismissive of others when dealing with people). But I've had my lesser moments where I have been feeling down and bad about myself. In my opinion, the only thing that, in practice, is of help, is the company of men. Whether it's someone I am/want to be involved romantically with or a friend, such company always helps. You need real friends in your life. Not facebook pseudo-buddies. Someone to grab dinner with at the end of the day, or someone to take on an impromptu road-trip, to go explore the nature with, or just to go fishing with, even. Someone to do real stuff with.

I think nowadays, we have become more and more isolated from real human contact, and that is one common denominator that causes different kinds of problems for different people, which might not obviously relate to it. But we all do need that human touch. And working long hours for money and career is just not worth it if it means sacrificing that. (This might or might not be something that affects you, I'm just mentioning it, because it connects to this topic in general).

Being in the company of men, it does kind of have some 'healing' properties of its own. From my experience. It always works for me.

Go and find some guy who fascinates you (whether sexually or not, whether he's straight or gay) and try to get to know him. Pursue friendships like that, and be in the company of men you like to be with. It might help. In my experience it helps a lot, you might be a little different, but your problem having an essential social component to it, approaching it socially is not a bad idea to go about it. I'm not asking you to do anything you feel isn't ''you''. You gotta do it your own way, the way that feels comfortable for you.


I am sorry you're feeling this way. I don't really know you, it's impossible to know somebody from written text alone. But as a guy who likes men to another guy who likes men -- I hope you get better. Hugs.

[InbetweenDreams]

[MENTION=21405]meridannight[/MENTION] Well one thing for sure is that I am quite lonely and although I do have some friends they aren't exactly nearby... 45 minutes either direction. I often feel like I might be intruding or a bother too a lot. I'm trying to not be like that but when you know that they are often busy or have their business to deal with kind of makes me feel kind of bad for bothering them. So I live in a rural spot in NC and we all know how NC is about things. There's just not many gay guys who are looking to be friends and good friends are hard to find too...let alone something more...

Believe me I would like nothing more than a good partner in crime. It's very rare to come across someone you can spend a lot of time with and have a lot of common ground on many different things. All my friends in the past either drifted away or literally went away. So kind of goes back to feeling like I have been left behind... I sort of have. I mean while everyone I knew was in college I was fucking off smoking weed and crap... A lot of time was wasted when I really should have been focusing on getting my shit together... well what's been done is done and no going back, at least that's what science tells us anyway.

[meridannight]

@meridannight Well one thing for sure is that I am quite lonely and although I do have some friends they aren't exactly nearby... 45 minutes either direction. I often feel like I might be intruding or a bother too a lot. I'm trying to not be like that but when you know that they are often busy or have their business to deal with kind of makes me feel kind of bad for bothering them.

In my opinion, you just have to try. Just call them up and ask if they would like to get together sometimes. It's not a bother. It might not go very far, true, but at least you have to try. Don't you think?

So I live in a rural spot in NC and we all know how NC is about things. There's just not many gay guys who are looking to be friends and good friends are hard to find too...let alone something more...

True, true friends are hard to find. But there is a bigger chance of finding friendship if you go out to make friends. Yes, often it won't work out. But sometimes it does. And it's all worth it to take a chance on it.

And, like I said, the guy doesn't have to be gay for you to approach him. He just has to be a guy whose company you enjoy and would like to spend time with. I approach straight guys all the time.

Believe me I would like nothing more than a good partner in crime. It's very rare to come across someone you can spend a lot of time with and have a lot of common ground on many different things. All my friends in the past either drifted away or literally went away. So kind of goes back to feeling like I have been left behind... I sort of have. I mean while everyone I knew was in college I was fucking off smoking weed and crap... A lot of time was wasted when I really should have been focusing on getting my shit together... well what's been done is done and no going back, at least that's what science tells us anyway.

All the more reason for you to do something about it. Either get in touch with the old friends or approach to make new ones. Or both.

I approach guys I like. I try to get to know them and spend time with them. Most of them are straight. It doesn't matter to me. I just love the company of men, and their sexuality doesn't matter in this respect. I always (95-99% of the cases) approach guys I'd like to be friends or more with. If nothing comes of it, I'm still glad I tried. It's never for nothing. Men are beautiful, and being with them is beautiful, even briefly. Yes, some guys are not interested from the start (although, frankly, none have told me so. Mostly, this is reflected in the fact that they just can't seem to find the time to do something together), with some guys whatever you have doesn't last that long, with others there's more potential.

But one thing is certain: it's never useless to approach another man and try. Beautiful things can come of it. Forget about sexuality, forget about how it might look or whether you feel like you're imposing. You have to impose sometimes. You have to go out of your comfort zone and do what feels hard, for you or others. If it was easy everyone would be doing it and we'd all have dozens of great friends and no-one would feel like they're imposing. But things are what they are. Most people don't try, they take what life throws at them. That's the easiest way. I don't know about you but I am not satisfied with that.

And trust me when I tell you that it does make you feel better.

[InbetweenDreams]

In my opinion, you just have to try. Just call them up and ask if they would like to get together sometimes. It's not a bother. It might not go very far, true, but at least you have to try. Don't you think?

I've tried. I've dated guys who were 75 miles away... Doesn't seem the long distance makes things any better...actually worse. I don't know what it is, most people I try to go hang out with either seem too busy. I usually, almost always make the long drive... and that's not due to me having a Prius either, did it while driving a V8 sports car... and I don't feel comfortable that much having people over since I do live with my parents, but not for the reasons one would think and I will leave it there.

I just don't often get thrown into many situations where I would meet people....unless it is off a gay dating app. So I am much more likely to meet someone on something like that than in the wild. Not much on chatting people up in public...just never been wired like that. I really hate shopping, I have going to Wal-Mart or the grocery store. People getting in my way and blocking isles...It's just not enjoyable and by the time I leave I'm often so wound up and anxious I'm never in the mood to try to talk to new people...I'm ready to leave go home and then feel bad about it because I can't even go out and enjoy shopping...

I'm just not enough alike anyone else in this area to really click with. Being a computer geek in this area kind leaves you in a very small group of like minded people. Then you're kind of expected to be a gamer, me not so much. I kind of want to get more into gaming, but first person shooters that everyone and their mother likes to play isn't my cup of tea. I mean what makes me feel like I have nothing in common is this. I really like the outdoors. I like to hike and I would like to do more camping. Thing is I haven't actually done any camping in years. I have a lot of gear to do it. Last year I had the idea of backpacking and I for some reason thought maybe I would find someone to do it with... Wrong I was, and I even made an attempt to do something myself but got a bit of heat exhaustion, I think, and had to bail because I was starting to feel really sick and I was miles away from cell reception. I just really want someone, a friend to do those sort of things with. I thought about going on a trip this summer, well I guess I could go alone but I don't think it would be all that fun. I read somewhere that one should enjoy their own company...and I mean yeah that makes all good sense but just like there's only so much you can tolerate being around someone else it is the same for being alone. I mean being alone so much, for me anyway, I just get lonely and think to myself, what the fuck am I doing going through all the trouble to do this and be alone doing it? Anyway, what I was getting it... When people ask me what I do or like to do, I can't really say I like to camp, for example, because I haven't done it in years and frankly I don't really know what the fuck I'm doing anyway. I guess watch a few YouTube videos and take a swing at it?

True, true friends are hard to find. But there is a bigger chance of finding friendship if you go out to make friends. Yes, often it won't work out. But sometimes it does. And it's all worth it to take a chance on it.

And, like I said, the guy doesn't have to be gay for you to approach him. He just has to be a guy whose company you enjoy and would like to spend time with. I approach straight guys all the time.

Yeah I know, they don't have to be straight...or even male for that matter. Good friends are impossible to find. Period. I honestly can say I have yet to find anyone who has put any effort whether it has been with dating me or being a friend. Just hasn't happened. Not yet anyway, maybe I'm just too upset to really be objective there perhaps.

That and I don't know who or where or how I would go about approaching someone, particularly if they're not gay. I just don't run into these people. I mean yeah I have co-workers but not sure if that's really a good idea... That and I don't really mingle with people outside our department...

All the more reason for you to do something about it. Either get in touch with the old friends or approach to make new ones. Or both.

Well old friends are pretty much out of the question. Moved here when I was 15, had no friends from up where I used to live and being a "yankee" down south didn't help me at all. I had a cousin who lived down here and one day just after moving here. My cousin and her friends just stopped sitting with me at lunch. After that I pretty much was a loner at school. So yeah, there's my sad life at high school. No friends, no dates, no dances, no prom...no fun. and hey my parents weren't no help. When I did, once, have a date my dad refused to drive me to the school and it wasn't because I didn't do my homework or had bad grades.

I approach guys I like. I try to get to know them and spend time with them. Most of them are straight. It doesn't matter to me. I just love the company of men, and their sexuality doesn't matter in this respect. I always (95-99% of the cases) approach guys I'd like to be friends or more with. If nothing comes of it, I'm still glad I tried. It's never for nothing. Men are beautiful, and being with them is beautiful, even briefly. Yes, some guys are not interested from the start (although, frankly, none have told me so. Mostly, this is reflected in the fact that they just can't seem to find the time to do something together), with some guys whatever you have doesn't last that long, with others there's more potential.

But one thing is certain: it's never useless to approach another man and try. Beautiful things can come of it. Forget about sexuality, forget about how it might look or whether you feel like you're imposing. You have to impose sometimes. You have to go out of your comfort zone and do what feels hard, for you or others. If it was easy everyone would be doing it and we'd all have dozens of great friends and no-one would feel like they're imposing. But things are what they are. Most people don't try, they take what life throws at them. That's the easiest way. I don't know about you but I am not satisfied with that.

And trust me when I tell you that it does make you feel better.

I just seldome come across many people that I really like. Most of this area are retirees, not that there's anything wrong with older people but those around here are often religious and just don't have much in common ground. There's just not much in the way of 25-35 around here... All the guys who are 25 and did live here are finishing college and getting the hell away from the area because there are no jobs or career paths for most people...you pretty much have to get lucky and then settle for a lesser salary because here they pay less for jobs that pay 50% more in populated area. Makes sense, people go where the money is. So why don't you move? Welp... In 2015 I could have or on the right track to do that, but then I bought a sports car and spent a bunch of money I didn't have on shit I didn't need and for some reason thought I would be able to pay it all off long before new, well the crap part...the car obviously not. So now that I got rid of that cart and did reduce my expenses from what it was I still have to pay off all the crap I bought which is going to take some time and there's simply no short cuts... I'm really just considering selling some of the crap because I mean I just don't need it, really. I don't need an expensive speaker system or a bicycle or a bike trailer....a bunch of camping gear I'm not likely to use. I just need to recoup some of the money I lost and try to get this crap paid off. Cut my losses and move on. I have so much shit that I don't use...because there's no one to use it with. Why not sell it. I mean I'd love to take the telescope out more often but no one is really into that and frankly just collects dust anyway... Same with camping, or the bikes and crap... Gets tired and boring trying to do all these things alone, live up to your potential. Hey! Feeling fat? Why not diet? Hey go get your degrees....do all the things. I just want to fucking live for fuck's sake. I don't care about being rich. I didn't buy all that shit because I wanted to show off or that I feel that I needed all these things. I buy the shit because I'm unhappy and buying something you want gives you a few moments of happiness then you have to pay for it all and then you're still empty.


Sorry for the long rant. I mean it is how I feel but maybe not how things are....but things do need to change and I frankly am clueless how I'm going to get anywhere with some of the dumb choices I make. Me and people, making friends has been a challenge. Very much an introvert and still a good deal of social anxiety. Not as bad as it was when I was a kid but it is still with me a lot and I just can't let go of it, not as easily as other people....