Not Good Enough

[InbetweenDreams]

The other thing I have not mentioned in all this which might explain why I'm mentally in this slump.

I'm an ex smoker. My dad smokes, my mom has COPD from her time smoking....of course he doesn't bother to go outside or to another room to smoke....so yeah that's frustrating. I smoked for about 14 years and up until recently I had been quit for over 2 years. Well...I relapsed. At first it was Halloween, I was drunk with my sister and her friends and one of them smoked...took a few puffs off of it and everything was fine.... until about the beginning of December and having a stressful day, can't remember what exactly. I sneak one...fine for a few days then another and another and next thing you know I'm right back into it like I never even stopped.

Well I finally, made my mind up that I really need to stop it, I mean not just that it will kill me but it smells and if you think about it who really wants to date a smoker? I mean they're killing themselves.

So as with quitting withdrawals are really bad... I'm pretty sure that's why I'm down in the dumps.

For those of you who aren't smokers. It is a very strong addiction. It is like being on edge and you know that smoking a cigarette will make that go away and the association with that, emotionally, is very strong. That's why a lot say that smoking is just as addictive as some hard core drugs...

Of course, I want to stay quit, I mean the shit is expensive... about $5.50 a pack or more.. some it is over $6. That's cheap when you compare places like NYC and so on where it is probably $10-12.... I really do want to have my eyes set looking forward. I don't want to kill myself off before my time and run off people who otherwise might have a good friendship or relationship with.

Anyway, a moment of weakness can really undo a lot of work. Anyway, it is tough to quit and the first few days are the worst...but I think after tomorrow I think things should be closer to the normal I had for over 2 years...

Hopefully no more relapses...Just really need to get out of that place so I'm not around it constantly. I mean it is not easy to quit and live with a smoker...

[MikeW]

...Just really need to get out of that place...

Yeah... but "that place" you need to get out of is rural SC. IMO, at this juncture in your life, your one and only focus should be scrapping the funds together to leave you old life behind and build a new one somewhere that is more cosmopolitan and more "gay friendly." Forget about making friends of visiting friends. Forget about relationships or BFs. Forget about quitting smoking if necessary. Forget all that. One focus: GET THE HELL OUT OF RURAL SC. All those things, including quitting smoking, are things you can accomplish MUCH MORE EASILY if you aren't burdened with the stifling social atmosphere of your rural environment.

I swear, its no wonder you are "down". Seriously. Dude. IDK where you should go. Charleston is the closest I can think of... but I moved all the way from the rural midwest to the San Francisco Bay Area in December 1973 and I've never regretted it one bit. It is very expensive here, however, so you MUST have a job and fast. There are lots of tech opportunities here but there is also a lot of competition. You have to be on the ball.

But where ever, the point is, this is not a healthy environment for you, literally.

[InbetweenDreams]

Yeah... but "that place" you need to get out of is rural SC. IMO, at this juncture in your life, your one and only focus should be scrapping the funds together to leave you old life behind and build a new one somewhere that is more cosmopolitan and more "gay friendly." Forget about making friends of visiting friends. Forget about relationships or BFs. Forget about quitting smoking if necessary. Forget all that. One focus: GET THE HELL OUT OF RURAL SC. All those things, including quitting smoking, are things you can accomplish MUCH MORE EASILY if you aren't burdened with the stifling social atmosphere of your rural environment.

I swear, its no wonder you are "down". Seriously. Dude. IDK where you should go. Charleston is the closest I can think of... but I moved all the way from the rural midwest to the San Francisco Bay Area in December 1973 and I've never regretted it one bit. It is very expensive here, however, so you MUST have a job and fast. There are lots of tech opportunities here but there is also a lot of competition. You have to be on the ball.

But where ever, the point is, this is not a healthy environment for you, literally.

Well the problem is even if I wanted to move I got all this credit card debt to deal with. It has to get paid off there's just no way I can save money trying to pay off credit cards. That's got me grounded for a good while.

I don't know where I should go, I'm in NC and not SC but I mean yeah there's a couple cities I would have in mind but finding a job is another mess. I really would want to stay a state employee for the benefits too.

Rural is a big problem for meeting people and finding things to do this time or year. I don't know that it is the root cause to me being in a slump. Living with my parents and all that BS, yeah that could be it. I guess everything else stacked on makes it all worse.

Not smoking I think it pretty important. I used to be a pack a day smoker...and at $5-6 a pack...yeah that's going to get me nowhere fast.

The only thing I can this to do to help pay off the cards faster is to sell the crap I bought that I'm paying off... Cut my losses and go on. Not sure how much I can get for all this stuff but I don't think I can cover what is on my cards... I could possibly pay off one of them which would be a big help. Not sure if that would be stupid selling crap on eBay that I'm paying on. I kind of felt that it would.

I think just having my own place would be helpful, I mean I really hate being alone, I really do so I don't know that running away to a big city is going to make me happy. I would be worried about being a recluse...and not going out and being just as miserable being in the boonies. That's what I'm worried about. I know how I can be. I'm not a social butterfly and not one who likes going to theatres alone, eating out alone and so on. Frankly those are all things I can do here if I really wanted.

I guess my logic for a BF is that if I were to move I think things might be easier. I mean you have two people to deal with one set of problems. I mean it worked for my sister and her now husband.

[MikeW]

Well the problem is even if I wanted to move I got all this credit card debt to deal with....

I've seen this so many times... Not only in other people, but in myself. We get stuck in our little rabbit hole and although it is cramped and irks the shit out of us, we just can't imagine living any other way.

You are outgrowing the life you once lived. You're becoming a full-fledged adult. That happens in your 30s, not your 20s.

IMO it is time for you to start thinking outside the box. Ok, you got credit card debt. Get out of it ASAP. If that means selling crap and working a second job, just fucking do it. Your happiness and ultimately your life depends on it. I just don't know how else to say it.

You don't have to move to down town big city if you don't want. But you need to be somewhere where the possibility of finding a BF isn't 75 GDF miles away. That's just crazy and you know it. It doesn't work.

Also don't think of it as "running away". You would be leaving so you can begin a whole new chapter of your life. NOW is the time to do it (given it might take a couple years to actually make happen).

As for cigarettes quitting is easy. I've done it a million times LOL! Just don't buy a pack. When ever you feel that 'craving' for a cig... just ignore it and go on doing whatever you're doing. Pretty soon you'll realize you forgot all about it (just like we forget about everything else we think) and never did have that cig. Its just a momentary thing.

Also, just FYI, nicotine is what is called a "transparent" drug. That is to say, when you're on it, things just seem "normal". But that's just it. When you're NOT on it, you feel 'itchy'... and you want to get back to normal.

Just don't scratch it.

[InbetweenDreams]

Yeah the urge to smoke is best described as being itchy....

A weekend job is probably the best option... Unless I can find one that pays well probably $400-500 extra month assuming I work 2 days (although I don't work on Fridays during the summer and now I work until noon). That would be probably the best way to go about it. I mean I can still sell a few items... Like the bike trailer...that was a dumb purchase. As much as I would love to try bike touring...just isn't ever going to happen and well it's crazy to be honest.

[Camfer]

Honestly I don't think paying off the debt is going to change a thing, because you're just going to get yourself right back into more debt, given your past spending habits.

In the time you've been on here, you've had 3 different cars, all bought new. You're in the midst of building yourself a new computer. You bought a bunch of sporting gear last summer. You spent only you know how much on your ham radio hobby. Now a recently reacquired $30 - 40 a week tobacco habit. And that's just what's off the top of my head on your spending.

There's probably more you've told us about that I'm simply forgetting. None of that are the actions of someone seriously committed to getting out of debt. Please don't spend any time telling us why you needed all that stuff. Tell us about how you are going to change, so we can help. Your issues are not insurmountable. What step do you want to take first? Pick one and let's work on that.

[InbetweenDreams]

Well the thing is before I went out and bought a sports car I wasn't in any debt, since then it's exploded. So I think it is a matter of why I got to buy crap I can't afford, and no not why I thought it was a good idea at the time but why I do it in the first place. I'm not really sure but probably has a lot to do with being lonely and unhappy, so buying something makes me feel happy...for a moment. I think everyone gets the same feeling but before that it is just a burning want for whatever it is at the time. If I get a itch to buy a car for instance... Oh I got good credit and I can afford the payments (not thinking about everything else about it) and then I got and make an impulse buy on something I really couldn't afford, wipe out my savings and from there rationalize everything else I bought and how it was ok to put it on my credit card, simple, I didn't want to wait. So for the same reasons I need to move out and get out are the debt might be the same reasons that got me into debt in the first place.

Really pissing me off right now and I feel like there's no way out.

Also, not that it matters.... two cars... and I did quit smoking...at least for now anyway...although only been I guess a couple days so far but really need to do that.

So how do I break the cycle? I mean it is only a matter of time before I want something else, or get depressed and crap...because I don't think anything is going to change anytime soon.

[meridannight]

I just don't often get thrown into many situations where I would meet people....unless it is off a gay dating app. So I am much more likely to meet someone on something like that than in the wild. Not much on chatting people up in public...just never been wired like that. I really hate shopping, I have going to Wal-Mart or the grocery store. People getting in my way and blocking isles...It's just not enjoyable and by the time I leave I'm often so wound up and anxious I'm never in the mood to try to talk to new people...I'm ready to leave go home and then feel bad about it because I can't even go out and enjoy shopping...

That and I don't know who or where or how I would go about approaching someone, particularly if they're not gay. I just don't run into these people. I mean yeah I have co-workers but not sure if that's really a good idea... That and I don't really mingle with people outside our department...

Me and people, making friends has been a challenge. Very much an introvert and still a good deal of social anxiety. Not as bad as it was when I was a kid but it is still with me a lot and I just can't let go of it, not as easily as other people....

I'm not asking you to start chatting up random strangers or anything like that. Nor was I implying that this is something that happens often (e.g. weekly, monthly). In my case, it happens approximately once or twice a year that I meet a guy I don't want to let go. So, once or twice a year (give or take) I find myself in a situation of wooing another guy, whether for friendship or more.

Just, when you see a guy you like, don't let him go next time. That's the point.

(As for where you meet them, it could be anywhere. Through work, vacation, next time you make a stop at the gas station, groceries store...anywhere really).

[InbetweenDreams]

I'm not asking you to start chatting up random strangers or anything like that. Nor was I implying that this is something that happens often (e.g. weekly, monthly). In my case, it happens approximately once or twice a year that I meet a guy I don't want to let go. So, once or twice a year (give or take) I find myself in a situation of wooing another guy, whether for friendship or more.

Just, when you see a guy you like, don't let him go next time. That's the point.

(As for where you meet them, it could be anywhere. Through work, vacation, next time you make a stop at the gas station, groceries store...anywhere really).

Well doesn't happen nearly that often for me. Been a couple years ago and I know what you mean. Definitely don't want to let that one slip through but no even just finding casual friends doesn't happen all too often.


As for the money thing I mean yeah I could go right back into debt, that is possible. I can't really explain what I was thinking buying a car I couldn't afford but it is similar feeling I get every time I'm about to go buy something expensive. I'd say that would be a big problem in a relationship, that's just not going to fly. I will tell you that I had a good bit of money saved up before all that happened and I really blame working one of the worst, most stressful jobs... I really think that's what made me go crazy wanting something I really shouldn't have gone after.

It really does make me quite angry at myself because I fall victim to it all the time. I mean I don't spend much on groceries or going out anymore all in the name of saving money but man if I feel like I need a new computer or whatever it is in the moment I am finding any way I can convince myself I should go ahead and do it and spend the money I don't have.

I calculated last night that assuming I get what I ask for a lot of this crap I might cover half the balance on one of the cards...the card that has a promotional balance -- which needs to be paid off for sure.

Let's say I do it, pay off all this debt, save up money and getting my own place. I do see myself going man I really like to have a new bad, or some furniture and off to Big Lots I go. But I do feel that it would be wise for me to save up way more than I need to move out so I can buy those sort of things I need because let me tell you I have a lot of shit but no real furniture. Likewise, no need to worry about that because my ass is planted here for a while... That's why a 2nd job makes more sense. It will help pay things off and I can hope that spending more time working gives me less time to think about crap to spend money on...hopefully.

[Bookworm]

In terms of escaping rural NC, could you look into an internal transfer with your current employer, possibly to one of the bigger towns/cities in your state?
Many employers would help with relocation costs etc but it would really depend on who you work for and whether the opportunities are there.

I managed to escape rural Northern Scotland many moons ago now by applying for Art College and moving hundreds of miles to begin a new life, and then stayed there for some years after graduating to make a life for myself.
Several years ago my employer opened a new office in Glasgow and I thought it was time to move back to Scotland (I'd lived in England for around 12 years at that point) so I applied internally for a role at the new office and got a position.
I just thought it was worth mentioning as a possible avenue for you to investigate with your employer.