Not Good Enough

[InbetweenDreams]

I always feel that I'm just not good enough at anything. I don't find myself attractive and I think people who say that I am are making a charitable lie to make me feel better. I hate taking selfies and even when I do I don't really like sending them to people or posting them. It is very seldom that I like a picture of myself. I feel that people think I'm fat and ugly and why I seldom ever go on dates or anything... I mean I know better than to think all that and frankly I just try to avoid thinking about it all together. I feel if I don't think about it then I don't have to really address it or let my mind fall down into the pit of despair. I mean I would love to snap my fingers and not feel that way about myself but I often do feel that other people don't see me as attractive in the slightest. I feel like I am more disadvantaged simply because I don't fit into someone else's expectations or fit into what other guys find appealing.

I feel like I am reasonably smart but I do question whether I can pull off an online degree or not. Frankly, if I don't do it it would be for that reason. Can't seem to make up my mind on that stuff either which doesn't help.

I know all this isn't normal although a lot of people do feel the same in some cases. I don't know what to really do about it. I really don't know what good talk therapy would do and I don't like medications. I will say that the worst thing someone can do to someone feeling like this is stick it right in their face. Been there a couple times.

I know everyone is going to say, "you need to love yourself" or "quit making excuses" and crap but telling me that isn't going to help. It's not like I haven't heard that before and doesn't change how I feel. So those who been here but aren't anymore what do you do to really change how you feel about yourself? I mean I know I am all I got... I get that.

[Flyerboy95]

I always feel that I'm just not good enough at anything. I don't find myself attractive and I think people who say that I am are making a charitable lie to make me feel better. I hate taking selfies and even when I do I don't really like sending them to people or posting them. It is very seldom that I like a picture of myself. I feel that people think I'm fat and ugly and why I seldom ever go on dates or anything... I mean I know better than to think all that and frankly I just try to avoid thinking about it all together. I feel if I don't think about it then I don't have to really address it or let my mind fall down into the pit of despair. I mean I would love to snap my fingers and not feel that way about myself but I often do feel that other people don't see me as attractive in the slightest. I feel like I am more disadvantaged simply because I don't fit into someone else's expectations or fit into what other guys find appealing.

I feel like I am reasonably smart but I do question whether I can pull off an online degree or not. Frankly, if I don't do it it would be for that reason. Can't seem to make up my mind on that stuff either which doesn't help.

I know all this isn't normal although a lot of people do feel the same in some cases. I don't know what to really do about it. I really don't know what good talk therapy would do and I don't like medications. I will say that the worst thing someone can do to someone feeling like this is stick it right in their face. Been there a couple times.

I know everyone is going to say, "you need to love yourself" or "quit making excuses" and crap but telling me that isn't going to help. It's not like I haven't heard that before and doesn't change how I feel. So those who been here but aren't anymore what do you do to really change how you feel about yourself? I mean I know I am all I got... I get that.

Hi Axle, sorry to hear you're feeling so shitty.

I can relate to your post so much on so many levels. I've never found myself attractive, and like you always have struggled taking selfies or whatever, even now, I have to get myself in the right light, and usually stick a snapchat filter on it to make me think it's acceptable to share with someone - it's a shitty feeling, especially when you see guys and you just know if you were them, you would be able to easily take pictures of yourself any time, in any light, at any given time of the day, because they're so 'good looking.' So I know exactly how that feels. Same with me and the weight, well, I was over weight. In terms of the looks, my advice isn't just love yourself, so many people told me that, and whilst it's true, you do need to love yourself, it offers no real tangible or realistic change to help you actually get there. So what I did, was I looked at what I liked and what I didn't like about myself, so that for me included: being overweight, having a big nose, having big ears. Two of the three I know I couldn't change, so I focused on the weight. Last year I lost around 3 stone in weight, and although I'm still not completely happy, it gave me such a massive confidence boost. It's one of the hardest things I've done, because I LOVE food, but it's helped me so much. I'm not sure whether you are overweight or not, but if you are, then that's deifnitely the place to start in my opinion.

Now when it comes to dating, you say you're put off because you fear people with think you're fat and ugly. From what I can see, there's nothing wrong with how you look, you're a handsome guy, and I'm not the type of person to bullshit just to save your feelings, I mean it when I say it. I found with dating, it comes easier the more you do it, the first 1, 2, 3 or even 10 dates can be just as nerve racking as the last, but it does get easier eventually. And you're right, there may be guys out there who meet you and think you're overweight, or think you're ugly, I'm pretty sure I've dated guys who thought the same about me. But so what, these people may be small minded, they may have too high expectations, or they may just genuinely not find you attractive - my point is, it doesn't matter. When I first started dating I fell for guys so hard, and was always so put off when they lost interest or ghosted me or whatever. But I soon realised there are other guys out there, it's very trial and error. Just because a guy doesn't find you attractive, doesn't mean you aren't attractive.

Another thing about dating, is I'd felt so so lucky to match with such gorgeous guys on Tinder, to then meet them in person, and they had such boring or unattractive personalities. Looks are obviously a large part of attraction, but personality is too, and it sounds cliche, but it really really is. I'm no stunner, I'm not that good looking at all, but I'd like to think I was a genine, caring, loving and honest person, and it sounds like you are too, and that's so much more imprortant and attractive to a lot of people. The guy I'm dating currently, isn't exactly my 'type', but his personality and who he is as a person is beautiful, and it means the more I get to know him, the more I find myself falling for him and looking past the things I maybe don't exactly find attractive.

I'll stop rambling away, but to answer your final question. From somebody who has been through very dark times, my advice is as I said above, forget about what you can't change (easier said than done, of course) and start focusing on what you don't like and CAN change. I read a book on mindfulness, which also really really helped me.

Happy to PM you if you feel I could maybe help you anymore.

Stay strong, kiddo.

Dan

[kindy64]

1. you are attractive, others aren't just being charitable
   
2. being self-conscious myself, and not having grown up with a cell phone permanently attached, taking selfies is a rare thing for me. Me self-image often doesn't match with how others react to me.
   
3. sounds like you are letting your "inner critic" dictate your life.
   
4. if you don't know that the "inner critic" is, research it. You can tell your inner critic to STFU and do something else
   
5. you seem very bright, and present your thoughts in a logic manner. you already have the mindset I think to do the jobs you are interested in.
   
6. "Don't let fear decide your fate."
   
7. "Sometimes you just gotta say 'what the fuck.'"
   

[SilverBullet]

I really think you need confidence and I know that you maybe tired of hearing it but I think its the truth.

Reading what you post, I mean your almost doomed to fail before you try. You constantly think "im not good enough". PHYSICALLY smack yourself every time you do this!

You are the Apex predator on this planet between countless species, scientifically your body is made up of the same material as star dust. Your ancestors regardless of whom your descendant from are of greatness, even when they had not but their hands and looked at big game IE moose or elephant, did THEY say oh well, im only human? heck no!

They made tools and solved their problems, they grabbed clubs, when one club wasn't enough they brought two, when that wasn't enough they organized and went as a pack.

Seriously dude, your dna is practically Identical to that of Einstein and Muhammad Ali, your limitations are the walls you build for yourself.

If you are only going to say "I cant do this" "Im not good looking" "Im only average intelligence" "it will take too long" etc etc or any other limitless bundle of excuses, you may just as well give up.

You keep talking about doing things you get up to the edge almost ready to jump, look over and pull back most every time because its too high. And you reason with yourself your too [insert insult here].

You have depression about your life not moving as fast as you want it too, well NOBODY is the same. Some scientists are completely overlooked until their later years, but the thing is they keep going. Your mind is a tool not a prison, stop thinking about what you cant do, rather think about what you CAN DO and stop limiting yourself.
If you want a degree it will be hard, it WILL be, but you gotta jump for it man. You cant just watch others and think "I cant do that because [insert something here]" Do you feel like everyone who has a degree or did something revolutionary had zero problems?

As cheesy as this sounds, if you set your mind to something you can do it . If you had confidence I feel like you could do about anything, I have talked with you several times and im never disappointed in your intelligence ^_^ stop selling yourself short.

Now, copy and paste this message on your wall, I wont badger you anymore with a message like this, I dont know if its what your looking for but I hope it helps!
But just so you know, I felt very much like you do now in the past and still do sometimes. I just gotta kick my own arse or let someone else kick it and get my head on straight.

[InbetweenDreams]

Well I tried losing weight last year...with marginal results. Mind you I was doing everything, lots of cycling...swimming and running. I did a triathlon and at the end of everything I lost maybe 20 lbs and I guess to be what they consider a healthy weight I need to lose more like 50-60 lbs... So basically I need to next to starve myself to get anywhere. I really don't have enough in a budget right now to really do anything with food, I barely can do lunches for work... I can't imagine trying something like juicing...

[Flyerboy95]

Well I tried losing weight last year...with marginal results. Mind you I was doing everything, lots of cycling...swimming and running. I did a triathlon and at the end of everything I lost maybe 20 lbs and I guess to be what they consider a healthy weight I need to lose more like 50-60 lbs... So basically I need to next to starve myself to get anywhere. I really don't have enough in a budget right now to really do anything with food, I barely can do lunches for work... I can't imagine trying something like juicing...

Sounds like you're doing everything right in terms of exercise, even if it's going for a short brisk walk every day (this has such huge mental health benefits too). But starving yourself, no, you're very wrong there. If you starve yourself, your body goes into starvation mode, and stores fat initially because it knows you're going to need it. It has to be a lifestyle you can stick to long term, which starvation isn't of course. I appreciate it's difficult not having a big budget, food, especially fresh, can be very expensive.

There are some cheap food though, for example when I was really intensely dieting, I used to just have chicken and rice for my dinner every evening, cereal high in fibre such as bran flakes (You'll have an American equivalent), and I always bought the cheapest supermarket brands. The important thing is, as I say, it has to be realistic, otherwise you won't stick to it. Stay away from Juicing, IMO.

[Flyerboy95]

Silver Bullet above is on the money with his reply, and has saved me a lot of trouble replying with similar, Ha Ha aren't I lazy!

One thing I definitely agree with what he says, is all the times you've selflessly offered me advice on here, you've always come across as such an intelligent guy, and I for one, and many other guys too, find intelligence so attractive in a person.

[InbetweenDreams]

I wish I knew the trick to being more confident and be less anxious about everything. I tend to quite often feeling like I'm the edge, or worrying about things...usually things I either can't control or don't have control of...like maybe if I had a private email server or something....

....and no I don't always feel like this but it is far too often I think.

Going back to school I do feel like I might be a little too old and yes I do want things to move faster. I do feel like I have been left behind and I hate feeling like that, kind makes you feel like a loser...like what have I got to show for the last 10 years? The other real problem is financial. I don't know how the hell I am going to handle all the debt I currently have and then add another $20k to it just so I might be able to make a little more money. I can't stand another.... 10 years in this place, I just can't do it. I want things to speed up so I can get the heck out my parents house and yeah I know probably that building a new computer isn't helping anything...no matter how I try to rationalize it...

So, yeah maybe it is the inner critic, but I do worry about money a lot and how I'm going to get out of this place before I get too much older.

[SilverBullet]

Well I tried losing weight last year...with marginal results. Mind you I was doing everything, lots of cycling...swimming and running. I did a triathlon and at the end of everything I lost maybe 20 lbs and I guess to be what they consider a healthy weight I need to lose more like 50-60 lbs... So basically I need to next to starve myself to get anywhere. I really don't have enough in a budget right now to really do anything with food, I barely can do lunches for work... I can't imagine trying something like juicing...

letme rephrase what you said
I was accomplishing a goal, makeing good progress. But the progress wasnt fast and it wasnt easy and when I realized just how difficult I gave up.

Now I dont know about your financials too well, but I can say im pretty poor as far as income. I pay for my everything (this is why I dont have actual T.V and try to keep the house around 65 in the winter) my pantry is barren, but you know what? Eggs, you can find in my fridge, milk, sandwitch meat, my pantry has brown rice, I buy family packs of chicken and freeze it, I dont buy beef unless on sale, then I get family sized offerings and freeze it.

bottom line,
peanut butter, brown rice, oatmeal, chicken, eggs, bread, bannanas -> cheap
sandwitch meat and caned soup like lenthil -> cheapish
Apples, other fruits are a bit more expensive, buy whats on sale, keeps variety and probably healthy to shake it up a little.

I will buy protein powder and keep ramen stocked for off times.

My grocery bill can be as low as 50$ a week *and I rarely eat out, less than once a week on average, usually I eat out with friends or family else I dont eat out at all*

lol I will have to teach you to budget
I have lived on 25$ a week but I ate unhealthy ammounts of banana peanut butter sandwiches... I dont recommend it

[InbetweenDreams]

Sounds like you're doing everything right in terms of exercise, even if it's going for a short brisk walk every day (this has such huge mental health benefits too). But starving yourself, no, you're very wrong there. If you starve yourself, your body goes into starvation mode, and stores fat initially because it knows you're going to need it. It has to be a lifestyle you can stick to long term, which starvation isn't of course. I appreciate it's difficult not having a big budget, food, especially fresh, can be very expensive.

There are some cheap food though, for example when I was really intensely dieting, I used to just have chicken and rice for my dinner every evening, cereal high in fibre such as bran flakes (You'll have an American equivalent), and I always bought the cheapest supermarket brands. The important thing is, as I say, it has to be realistic, otherwise you won't stick to it. Stay away from Juicing, IMO.

I have had people try to turn me on to juicing but never really did it. I have tried a few of the drinks and some of them are good but I don't see how it is healthy in the long run. I think I may have even made a thread on it once.

I was doing a lot of the right things but I slowly stop sticking to them. I haven't been out for a run or anything in months. I started tutoring a student a while back and just fell out of the habit and then winter set in and I hate going to the gym. Just don't like the atmosphere and never found a gym partner either.