Self Esteem

[supasyd]

I am writing this as I am hoping you guys can give me some insight that might help me reform my mindset.

I have come on a bit of a personal journey of late. Backstory is i was the most hated kid in school and my first bf killed himself, then recently had a difficult three years studying in Manchester, dealing with suicidal tendencies, depression, anxiety, loneliness, a really poor standard of living and heartbreak, followed by longterm unemployment. As you can imagine self esteem has never come naturally.

In the beginning of January, I decided to accept a job teaching english in Beijing. The pay is miles higher than anything i could get home, the city is great and full of new experiences. The gay scene is surprisingly well developed and im loving living here.

But my problem is the feelings of self hatred from my life at home still linger behind me. My life is better, I feel like everything in my life is great except for one thing：me. I have so much being handed to me now, yet i find i still mess everything up. I am still doing typical unwise things like comparing myself to other people, who always invariably are better than me at everything and dont have to try. Ive tried my best with everything, and out of all the international teachers im the only one who still gets lost, andturns up late for work. im great with the kids but still not so good at actually teaching, reflected in the fact my performance bonus in my wage was the lowest....i feel like im just naturally not as good as otherpeople. A feeling i want to leave at home. Even my teaching mentor says i just need more confidence but its hard when youre conditioned to hate yourself.

I also am repeating another mistake which i feel is linked to my self Esteem：i have a really bad crush on this other gay Chinese guy in the office. i cant stop thinking about him...but hes the quiet type. We flirt in the office a bit until i learned he had a bf. last night the whole office went to a korean bar for drinks...theres this other gay guy in the office from america who is literally like a character from mean girls who started touching him up and for some reason i still feel super super hurt...we were all drunk but i am so mad at myself for being so weak. My experience of love is falling fast and hard and getting hurt.

I am scared i have flown all this way just to repeat the same mistakes. The root issue im sure is all the baggage and self hatred i have built up and being in Beijing wont vanish it away. I feel like i have struggled with this for so long and its like an ultimate obstacle to my happiness. I want to love myself so bad but i still really cant stand me. Im loving life here i just need to fix the one weak link to be happy.

Has anyone managed to get out of a many-years-long downward spiral like this？Can anyone give me some insight or advice on how to repair myself？

[Confuzzled4]

Unrelated, I've always admired the rest of the world for having people that can speak two languages, and your English skills are excellent for a non-native.

Anyway, though my circumstances are different I can related to the self hating, low self esteem, depression. I have been there for many years, and 10 months ago after a heartbreak I nearly lost my fight with depression. What has helped me was all the time I've had to just focus on me, building myself up and going to rigorous group therapy. That likely isn't an option for you, but I would recommend going to an individual therapist, it helps me a lot and I still go. You can also go to a support group, would be a way of making friends too. Also, thinking about what you're good at, it takes a lot of training, even when it's obvious it's something you're good at you may not be able to accept it. Example: being able to lift 200 pounds but thinking you're not strong. You need to realize and embrace your strengths and not be hard on yourself. Self esteem is something that takes years to build up if you don't already have it, but these are some ways to start working on that.

[Doc]

I don't know what to tell you buddy other than you need to harden up and get some confidence, you're only 23yo if you don't fix it now this world will eat you up and lick its fingers when it's done. Life's a bitch and she won't do you any favors. Nobody wants some mopey, boo-hoo guy, the Mr Mean Girl is gonna meet a guy because he has flair. You got to get some, take no shit and take no prisoners. Everybody has a story, everybody has tragedy the world is full of heartache. If you keep to your current path then your best case scenario will be that you die a miserable bastard.

I don't want to sound callous, but there is no miracle advice, no magic pill, you need to make a decision. Do I start over in a new place or do I bring my bullshit with me. I think you want to start over, you know it and you're doing it.

I'll leave you with this "The world meets nobody halfway. When you want something, you gotta take it."

You should also get a haircut, that's just my opinion take it or leave it. Good luck

[supasyd]

Thanks both, i suppose i know what i have to do （become confident）but.dont know how to do it, or even if i am capable of it, as i have tried for so long. im not an assertive personality and find being a take-no-prisoners kind of person impossible. If i cant do it then what can i expect from life and how can i make it good for myself？It always seems i have to try so much harder for everything. I feel like i have tried everything and dont know what else i can do. im just not confident. I thought.it would happen naturally doing this, but i still dont like myself at all. I didnt take shit with me, shit has just followed me. And it really stinks.

[Doc]

Do you have any physical hobbies, like fighting? You don't look the sort but I had to ask anyway. Fist fighting can help crack you out of your shell, you live in China take up martial arts, once you get to beating on other men and really dominating them you should have plenty of confidence.

[supasyd]

its a good idea. im dyspraxic though which basically means i have no motor skills or spacial awareness and learn new things really slowly, so i dont know if id be able to do it but id certainly try.

[NativeSon]

I am still doing typical unwise things like comparing myself to other people, who always invariably are better than me at everything and dont have to try.

That's not necessarily true. More often than not people put in the hard work to make their successes appear as if they're not trying. If you're looking to advance yourself, I suggest you start by picking one simple thing to work towards improving. For example, you can use your spare time to learn the ins and outs of your new city until you know it like the back of your hand. That's an attainable goal, correct? Then you build and build until the satisfaction of these small accomplishments start to transfer into other aspects of your life.

It's not always easy, and you might even fail at times, but it's all part of the process. Try it. You might like it.

Hope it all works out for you.

[kindy64]

only one who still gets lost, and turns up late for work. im great with the kids but still not so good at actually teaching,

You are only a month into teaching English, so give yourself a mental break from having to be perfect. Sometimes the only way to build confidence is to fake it for awhile until you convince yourself. Imagine how a more confident person would teach the class and do that. Actually visualize it when you are at home and at peace. This gives you a fall back when you are nervous as you've already visualized how you could act in the situation.

Start small with things that will help these issues. Write down the directions to work, so you can follow them while going to work. Set multiple alarms for you to get up. Make sure you are going to bed early enough to wake up well rested. Make sure you are getting up with plenty of time to get ready. Give yourself some extra time to get to work in case you get lost.

NativeSon has a good idea with learning the city, I would narrow that down to learn the route to and from work like the back of your hand. Then expand from there.

Regarding a physical activity, if you are interested, try Tai Chi. I'm sure if you go by a park you've seen people practicing this. It is helpful for dealing with stress and anxiety, and is slow paced.

Thanks both, i suppose i know what i have to do （become confident）but.dont know how to do it, or even if i am capable of it, as i have tried for so long. im not an assertive personality and find being a take-no-prisoners kind of person impossible. If i cant do it then what can i expect from life and how can i make it good for myself？It always seems i have to try so much harder for everything. I feel like i have tried everything and dont know what else i can do. im just not confident. I thought.it would happen naturally doing this, but i still dont like myself at all. I didnt take shit with me, shit has just followed me. And it really stinks.

You don't have to be a "take no prisoners" kinda guy in order to be more assertive.

Take your job for instance. With your students you should have confidence since you are the "expert" and they are the student. You are at the front of the class teaching them. You are in a position of authority over them. What does being assertive mean in this situation? Speaking authoritatively on your subject matter, being able to correct your students in a respectful manner, and being confident in your answers to them. A lot of that is just tone, and body movements. See if you can audit someone else's class and literally mimic their mannerism. Then make them your own. Just ideas.

Research about what your "inner critic" is, and how to deal with it. Yelling back at those negative nellies to shut the fuck up is helpful for me.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/assertiveness

[Borg69]

Whatever your past is, you have to forgive your self. Secondly, you need to focus on the positive things you are doing and not the negative. If you know what your weaknesses are, work with them, don't give into them. Other people can be a guide to do better, but you have to be the best YOU you can be. I suck at directions too, so I rely on my gps on my phone. Lastly, you deserve good things. Especially the ones you work for. And you WILL have to work for them. This world is still dog eat dog. They won't be handed to you.

You have come a long way and are doing great! Keep it up and don't let setbacks get you down.

[Doc]

As as far as getting some confidence, were you ever a confident person in the past. If so trace back to see where you lost it?