02-13-2017, 05:09 AM
I am writing this as I am hoping you guys can give me some insight that might help me reform my mindset.
I have come on a bit of a personal journey of late. Backstory is i was the most hated kid in school and my first bf killed himself, then recently had a difficult three years studying in Manchester, dealing with suicidal tendencies, depression, anxiety, loneliness, a really poor standard of living and heartbreak, followed by longterm unemployment. As you can imagine self esteem has never come naturally.
In the beginning of January, I decided to accept a job teaching english in Beijing. The pay is miles higher than anything i could get home, the city is great and full of new experiences. The gay scene is surprisingly well developed and im loving living here.
But my problem is the feelings of self hatred from my life at home still linger behind me. My life is better, I feel like everything in my life is great except for one thing:me. I have so much being handed to me now, yet i find i still mess everything up. I am still doing typical unwise things like comparing myself to other people, who always invariably are better than me at everything and dont have to try. Ive tried my best with everything, and out of all the international teachers im the only one who still gets lost, andturns up late for work. im great with the kids but still not so good at actually teaching, reflected in the fact my performance bonus in my wage was the lowest....i feel like im just naturally not as good as otherpeople. A feeling i want to leave at home. Even my teaching mentor says i just need more confidence but its hard when youre conditioned to hate yourself.
I also am repeating another mistake which i feel is linked to my self Esteem:i have a really bad crush on this other gay Chinese guy in the office. i cant stop thinking about him...but hes the quiet type. We flirt in the office a bit until i learned he had a bf. last night the whole office went to a korean bar for drinks...theres this other gay guy in the office from america who is literally like a character from mean girls who started touching him up and for some reason i still feel super super hurt...we were all drunk but i am so mad at myself for being so weak. My experience of love is falling fast and hard and getting hurt.
I am scared i have flown all this way just to repeat the same mistakes. The root issue im sure is all the baggage and self hatred i have built up and being in Beijing wont vanish it away. I feel like i have struggled with this for so long and its like an ultimate obstacle to my happiness. I want to love myself so bad but i still really cant stand me. Im loving life here i just need to fix the one weak link to be happy.
Has anyone managed to get out of a many-years-long downward spiral like this?Can anyone give me some insight or advice on how to repair myself?
I have come on a bit of a personal journey of late. Backstory is i was the most hated kid in school and my first bf killed himself, then recently had a difficult three years studying in Manchester, dealing with suicidal tendencies, depression, anxiety, loneliness, a really poor standard of living and heartbreak, followed by longterm unemployment. As you can imagine self esteem has never come naturally.
In the beginning of January, I decided to accept a job teaching english in Beijing. The pay is miles higher than anything i could get home, the city is great and full of new experiences. The gay scene is surprisingly well developed and im loving living here.
But my problem is the feelings of self hatred from my life at home still linger behind me. My life is better, I feel like everything in my life is great except for one thing:me. I have so much being handed to me now, yet i find i still mess everything up. I am still doing typical unwise things like comparing myself to other people, who always invariably are better than me at everything and dont have to try. Ive tried my best with everything, and out of all the international teachers im the only one who still gets lost, andturns up late for work. im great with the kids but still not so good at actually teaching, reflected in the fact my performance bonus in my wage was the lowest....i feel like im just naturally not as good as otherpeople. A feeling i want to leave at home. Even my teaching mentor says i just need more confidence but its hard when youre conditioned to hate yourself.
I also am repeating another mistake which i feel is linked to my self Esteem:i have a really bad crush on this other gay Chinese guy in the office. i cant stop thinking about him...but hes the quiet type. We flirt in the office a bit until i learned he had a bf. last night the whole office went to a korean bar for drinks...theres this other gay guy in the office from america who is literally like a character from mean girls who started touching him up and for some reason i still feel super super hurt...we were all drunk but i am so mad at myself for being so weak. My experience of love is falling fast and hard and getting hurt.
I am scared i have flown all this way just to repeat the same mistakes. The root issue im sure is all the baggage and self hatred i have built up and being in Beijing wont vanish it away. I feel like i have struggled with this for so long and its like an ultimate obstacle to my happiness. I want to love myself so bad but i still really cant stand me. Im loving life here i just need to fix the one weak link to be happy.
Has anyone managed to get out of a many-years-long downward spiral like this?Can anyone give me some insight or advice on how to repair myself?
dwi'n jyst fachgen o cymru efo materion meddyliol yn byd meddyliol