Partner gained Weight

[saus88]

I have been with my partner for 3 years. We are engaged, we lived in the USA for a year, he was deported (go unfair marriage and immigration laws), I decided to move to his country in Central America. I didn't even have to think about it. So now we live there, built a house, i got a new job, we got a car, a second house., we are living the life.

i am 22 and he is 27. We are perfect, or we were. When I met him he was mildly musular, had nice arms, skinny, etc.

Since then, things have changed. In the last few months he has packed on some weight. He is a good 15-20 pounds heavier than he was before. It seems like it has all gone to his cheeks and his gut and it kills me.

His diet has gone down but he isnt working anymore, no work for him where we live. My bilingual abilities (self taught) make me idea for a good job. I work and support us both easily.

The problem is that, he is now unattractive to me. I tried leaving him but there is still plenty of chemistry. I don't want a new partner, but I can't deal with him this way, it grosses me out. It might sound funny but it's not, when someone goes this it kills your entire attraction to them. It's horrible.

I told him he has to fix it nicely. Then i got firm, then i just got mean. he fails to respond. He says he will goto the gym, he never does, just a pipe dream.

At this point. I am young, I still look as attractive as before and have gained weight ... and I have a good career. I am confident I can find someone else, but I don't want to. I am happy, I am sure he is the one for good. If he could just FIX himself.

He says its my fault now too, I don;t support him (yeah right, i moved to Central America for the fun of it and so much else).

He also tries to blame me, says i let myself go? I only shower once a day now,he says thats dirty because i used to shower 2-3 times a day. Then again, I also now work 12 hours a day as a supervisor. I think I am justified.

I just don't know what to do. Someone else recommended withholding sex but that feels wrong. Plus he will just look at porn then on the internet I pay for ....

So, I don't know what to do .... I have already been direct, already threatened breakup, etc.

He just doesn't get it.

What do you all think ?

[trains]

That just seems.....a little shallow....maybe I'm just thinking about it wrongly.

You could try going to the gym with him, or buying something to work out with at home. That way he has more motivation/encouragement.

If it's gone to his cheeks then working out isn't going to effect it much I believe that is more of a dietary concern.

Withholding sex would actually seem somewhat appropriate though, if you really aren't attracted to him anymore, you wouldn't want to do it anyway?

[saus88]

It seems shallow but its not ... not once you ... are in the situation.

With-holding sex seems wrong to me? I'd have to withhold the internet too haha.

Damn i need to do something, it's ruining everything ...

I dont have time to goto the gym, I am a supervisor and work alot to support us both but i work from home. He doesnt really do much with home based products.

[Mr. Not So Lonely]

This is what happens when you base a relationship on SEX and not on trust love and understanding

[saus88]

Our relationship is based plenty on love and understand. lets skip the part where i lost my entire life and left my family to move to a dangerous third world country to start over with him, got a new job, learned a new language and reassembled everything.

I think there are cheaper whores back in the USA, so if I went through all this, the relationship is obviously based on love.

that doesnt mean its okay that he has become unattractive.

[Vigilias]

There is a really easy and simple solution to your problem...

But I wouldn't waste my time going through it with someone so shallow.

Your partner is better off without you.

[saus88]

Yeah really guys. I have been entirely mature and appropriete in my entire situation.

I take care of myself and so should he.

[princealbertofb]

Hello Saus 88,
What you seem to be ignoring is the fact that, 1) he is older than you (our metabolisms change with age, sometimes quicker with some people than with others); 2) overeating is a form of compensation for something deeply unsatisfying; 3) probably, if he is central American, his family history has people who are overweight too, so it could be a family tendency. If you could talk to him and afford the services of a dietician, that would probably be the best way to go about it, but nothing will happen unless he is included mentally and physically in the process. I'm guessing that his not having a job is also working contrarily at his self esteem. There are many factors to take into account. I won't say that you are shallow, and understand your concern because you want your couple to work, but there are probably other issues at hand which are not primarily his overweight,but probably boredom and maybe a mild case of depression. Worry is probably also a contributing factor, even though he may not let on that he's worried. Can you talk about it with this understanding? I'm guessing you are worried too. You seem to be the sole provider and you don't want to be taken advantage of, I can understand that too.
Good luck with the discussion.

[saus88]

Prince thank you, first sincere and honest reply.

I am getting him a gym partner. Hoping that will work out. Most of his family is in shape despite being past age 40, which is good.

[East]

I am in the middle on this one...I think you love him but I think you need to ask yourself what love means to you...it is clear that you do not have unconditional love. Trying to get him to lose weight might be damaging to both of you. If you can't get past the weight...and I am not blaming you if you can't because it is what it is and at least you are being honest about it....I think you should leave sooner than later before you do any unintentional serious damage to his or your own psyche. We all have dealbreakers...maybe that is yours? I wish you luck.