Well to begin with, I'm out fully. My father apparently is ok with my being gay and all that, but thats beside the point. He is currently in the hospital and I am not sure how to feel. As a child, I watched him abuse my mother physically and mentally. He even held a gun to her head with me as an infant in her arms. My mom has forgiven him, so have I but I will never forget nor love the man. He has so many times talked down to me a lot. He views as a girly girl because I've never been in a fight, don't hunt, or do anything that he does. Anyways, I got to thinking; what if he dies? I can honestly say at the moment I wouldn't care nor feel anything. Perhaps later in life I MAY regret feeling this way, but honestly I'm not sure how to feel exactly because I don't feel anything.
He's in the hospital because he's been puking up phlegm, has a fever of 105, been aching, and apparently is in a lot of pain. He had a stroke two years ago and is paralyzed on his left side (I often say to this karma's a bitch.) but anyways any tips on how to feel about this? This was also me sort of venting :/.
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No one could possibly tell you how to feel. The best we could come up with are a few uninformed opinions. Sometimes it's okay to feel nothing. It may be what you need to do to be able to get through this period. Whatever happens be kind to yourself. Nothing of what happened in the past was your fault.
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forgive your father, and you'll see, everything will fall into its right place.
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Feelings are a very special thing. Nobody can say what you will feel ... and nobody can say what you should feel. But ... every feeling you have or will get is OK and will be the right feeling.
Let me explain what I mean .. My father died in 1994.... and the first feeling I had as my mother told me that he died : OK .. and nothing more. I never had a good connection with my father ...he was born in 1915... in WW1.... and for the most "right men" in this time it was forbidden to show feelings. So it happened that he wasn´t the father a juvenile gay needed.... he don´t showed me anything a man should show his son. And so it came that we never had a good connection. Then he got the Alzheimer illness... and he changed himself completely.... not easy ....
As he died I had no feelings ... I was angry... because he died.... and did so much things wrong with me and others for my opinion. 3 Years later I was able to feel what I should feel .... mourn. I could understand why he was the man he was .... and I saw he didn´t what he did to make me angry... he only could not be a other man. Till today I don´t know if he know that I am gay ... but he ever was nice to my - that time - bf .... lent his car .... call me "firstname" ...and so on. Years later I could cry ... and it was Ok.
So it will be for you too ... I think..... and every feeling you get will be the right feeling... don´t press you into a situation like "its a must to feel sad" or whatever .... wait and see what your soul will feel after a time .... maybe your feelings change ... and if not .. it is not a problem.
Sometimes it need much time to change feelings ... or to learn about the other person. You don´t know why your father is the man he is ... so I think : don´t judge him...
If you want to talk about ... message me....
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You only have One father in this lifetime. Even if he was a shitty father, he's the only one in teh world that you can call Dad. Just hope for the best for him, forgive him, and maybe things will be a little happier. My dad was extremely bad to my mom. He just criticized me and yelled at me for 3 hours straight when I was younger until I burst into tears for doing stupid things like not cleaning my room. But he became better as he got older. Now I have a good relationship with him. It isn't perfect, but forgiving goes a long way.
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i agree with jimmy. no matter how rude or bad your father was, he's still your father. respect is always due to him. but again, you have to know when to draw the line.
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