Gay Husband - Straight Wife - Need Advice!

[Heartbroken]

Thank you in advance for any advice you can give me. I am a straight women married to a Gay man. We have been married since 1980 after dating for 2 years. We married when I was 20 and he was 22.

Ok - here goes. When we were dating we were only able to have sex once or twice a week - in a motel because we didn't live together. It was just ok - very mechanical. After we married - he hardly touched me. We had sex once on our honeymoon and he didn't touch me for 6 months after. We averaged 3-4 times a year - again - very mechanical. I immediately began to question him - was he ok, was he gay or bisexual? I was answered with a slap and knock down drag out fights. Luckily during one of our uneventful times together we actually produced a daughter. It was the beginning of a painful lonely life with him mentally and emotionally abusing me. He was withdrawn, cold and uncommunicative. Never wanted me in any way shape or form sexually. I resigned myself to the fact that he just didn't love me or wasn't attracted to me at all. I was and still am a very attractive petite and shapely woman. 112 lbs - 5' most of my married life.

In 1998, we got our first computer. My husband is self employed and didn't work one day. I came home from work and he offered to get our daughter from the bus stop. I sat at our new computer and went to sign on my screen name in AOL and saw a random name (computer generated with letters and numbers) and clicked on it - thinking it was some kind of an error. Well I found all gay porn and chat room sites there.

When he came home - I confronted him. He finally confessed that he got high on LSD when he was 19 and ended up in an orgy with 1 guy and 2 girls and had sex with the guy. He didn't confess to any pleasure or it turning him on - or anything that had to do with our current status of a sex-less marriage. But he said this was the reason he didn't touch me was because he was blocked because of this incident.

I told him I didn't care - I loved him to distraction. So we created screen names as a "Bi" couple seeking a bi married man for play. We met and had relations with 3-4 men over a period of about 1.5 years. Then life, parents illness and other things got in the way and this fell too the wayside. Keep in mind, OUR sex life personally - alone together - NEVER picked up. It was still 2-4 times a year - basically under protest. But now because of his revelation - he swore to me he would never lie to me or keep anything from me. He swore this was what his problem was - that he never could tell me about this 1 episode in his past. Also, bear in mind, he never addressed why our personal sex life didn't improve - now that his "secret" was out.

Fast forward to this past summer - 2013 - he started to change. Joined a gym, lost 50 pounds - and started spending more time on the computer and guarding his phone. He started taking the phone in the bathroom with him and bringing it up on the night table when he came to bed. Also, he had been impotent for the last 6 years - do to weight gain and medication. I was having gynecological issues and was seeking a doctor for bioidentical hormone therapy and came across someone who uses Testosterone Injection Therapy. He started getting Testosterone shots - then lost the weight and dropped 2 medications.

Something told me to go through his phone - so I did. I get up about 5:00 in the morning and he sleeps in. I found the Grindr App and the Sectos App. His profile is: Married Bi Top into JO, massages and body contact and a "top" if it comes to that - (what is that by the way - "body contact") I looked them up on the computer and was floored. The worst part is HE LIED TO ME AGAIN! I also found an email address that I had never known about and all naked pictures of himself he had taken over the years (before the weight gain and subsequent weight loss). So my husband was now "turned on" getting erections - like he did when he was 20 years old! He was going to have trysts with men and I would have never known. He would have left me in the dark - thinking he was still impotent due to the medications he was on. (Hypertension and BPH). I haven't bought up or mentioned sex because it was such a "bad" issue between us - and the fact that he was impotent - I didn't want him to feel bad. Being that I felt he really never wanted me sexually - I would bring it up again and hurt him because he couldn't perform. We are and always have been basically in a platonic relationship.

After much conversation - again - he swore he was NEVER going to lie to me again - that he is fully bisexual. Something he really never admitted to me before. So I now have full access to all the identities, email addresses, apps etc. He is being safe talking to people first and then meeting them in person first. If they click, they will hook up - I know where, when and who. These trysts usually take about an hour - all in. He comes home and tells me about it. This is not often - he as been with 3-4 men over 2.5 months. Every few weeks or so.

Bottom line - now because he is "unblocked" and doesn't have to "hide" - he says he is free and wants sex with me. I think it is just the Testosterone and that by having sex with me this "confirms" to him he is "bisexual" not "gay". Believe me when I tell you - I do NOT turn him on. You know when someone finds you attractive and when they are just going through the motions. For all intent and purposes, I was a willing and available "hole" that was available to him all these years - that he never took advantage of - Even after I found out back in 1998 and we played with other "men".

Question: Isn't a "Bisexual" person able to be "equally" attracted to both sexes on an emotional and physical level? Believe me - he is NOT attracted to women at all. He can appreciate a beautiful woman, like anyone else - but definitely "not attracted". Not one of the secret identities or emails over the years was about women - all about Craigs List ads for massages and hook ups with men. All the downloaded photos were of Gay Naked Men.

Also, forgot to mention, he ABHORS the GAY LIFESTYLE. That is why I think he insists he is Bisexual - not Gay.

Your opinion please - GAY OR BISEXUAL? Please help me - I need a gay man's take on all of this.

Thank you for any help you can give me.

[southbiochem]

My sweet, sweet woman, a couple of things, all of them coming from my complete sympathy for your situation:

1.- "Abhors the gay lifestyle".........There is no such thing as a gay lifestyle...I'm a gay man, biochemist, have 2 jobs, behave like any other regular guy out there....I just like other guys...but I don't live a lifestyle that's any different form any other straight biochemist with a job..so let's start with dropping that wrong notions.

2.- I have to ask you: nevermind his sexuality for now, why did you stay and why are you still with a man who's emotionally and physically abusing you???????? Why even think of reproducing with such a low specimen of the human species?????

3.- Why did you not leave him the first time he lied??????? And now take yet another lie and still let him get away with it?????? Not only what he did constitutes cheating, but also constitutes a complete disregard for you. I assume you're really in love with this guy to be in such state of denial...

4.- He's most likely gay...I can say that with 99.99% certainty. If he gets off with men and not women, if he lied about his impotence and he's constantly seeking online dating with other men...he's gay...like you very well put it being bi implies you can have emotional and sexual attachments with both men an women. He doesn't.

I guess, seeming how he despises the gay "lifestyle" as you put it, that he's just a self-loathing bastard who did not come to terms he was gay and will go to extreme lenghts to not accept that he's gay as long as he can keep the facade of marriage..

5.- You my dear, sound like the most amazing wife ever, if you have gone into such compromises just for him...not everyone could have put up with abuse, lying and lack of love and still be thinking about satisfying his needs...

YOU ARE A WONDERFUL PERSON AND YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER THAN THAT GUY!!

6.- My opinion is that you should have left him when he first layed a hand on you or when you first found out that he was lying...as of now, it's your choice whether you keep putting up with his selfishes, self-hatred and abuse, but I will say this again:
.
YOU.........DESERVE..........SO.....MUCH....BETTER

[Ekwarph]

Question: Isn't a "Bisexual" person able to be "equally" attracted to both sexes on an emotional and physical level? Believe me - he is NOT attracted to women at all. He can appreciate a beautiful woman, like anyone else - but definitely "not attracted". Not one of the secret identities or emails over the years was about women - all about Craigs List ads for massages and hook ups with men. All the downloaded photos were of Gay Naked Men.

I think you answered your own question...

[EvenOlderButWiser]

Its behaviour like his that gives the gay community a bad name. Hell, its behaviour like his towards you within the relationship that give MEN in general a bad name!

Taking the sexuality out of the equation, and just dealing with the abuse factor, you really need to get yourself out of the relationship and as far away from this POS as quickly as possible. You should start planning your exit strategy as soon as possible.

Good Luck,



ObW
X

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I am sorry.

Understand I'm usually against outing a person and try to talk couples into seeing a therapist and trying communication and all of that other stuff.

However in this case: I suggest you take all the evidence you have to a divorce lawyer. Seriously. If this isn't grounds for divorce I don't know what is.

If he is sneaking around having sex on the side, then you can't be certain he is practicing safe sex. I strongly suggest you go to your doctor and get tested for every STD there is.

I doubt he is bisexual - I think he is 100% gay or as close to it as possible and he has been using you to hide from that reality for whatever reason. He has taken his angst out on you with physical, verbal and emotional abuse.

He entered into this marriage knowing full well his own proclivities. I understand why he tried the straight lifestyle route - I recall the 1980's - kinda sorta - times where far less tolerant back then.

However he has made a choice to continue the farce of a marriage and go around hooking up with guys - regardless of the gender he meets up with, he is cheating, he breaking the vows of marriage which he made and regardless of the reasons he made those vows I firmly believe that the institution of marriage and those vows are to be kept.

I get why you stuck with him when the fists began to fall - but honestly, verbal and emotional abuse for all of this time isn't a good thing and it will never get better.

He gave you one precious gift - your daughter. But you do not owe him anything in return for that. You did your part, you played the role of loyal, supportive spouse and put up with way too much bullshit - if there was any debt owed him for his donation of genetic material you paid that back a very, very long time ago.


Honey, you gave him 33 years to change, 33 years of your life dedicated to him in hopes he would dedicate his to you - he never did, he never will.

The best you can do is sue for divorce - I do hope you have kept copies of his philandering - if not then I strongly suggest you make copies, build up evidence and go see a lawyer type person. And do not even bother telling him you are about to sue for divorce. he has surprised you with nasty surprises time and time again, now its your turn to repay him in kind.

You must chisel a line in stone here and now and refuse to budge. If you let this slide he will get all of the fun and you will get all of the suffering and that is just not right.

Again, I am sorry. The question of his sexuality is moot. He is a philandering, cheating piece of shit who abuses his spouse and has little to no right to suck air. That is all you need to act on.

[MisterTinkles]

Wow, I could be here all day explaining this "man" to you. But I will have to keep it "short and sweet".

This man is a homosexual. The WORST kind....he refuses to acknowledge this to himself.

I have seen this many times. For whatever reason from his past, or his way of thinking, he has associated "gay" with something extremely bad, so he refuses to admit to himself he is attracted to men. A LOT of homosexual men will use "bi" as an excuse to NOT be labeled "gay", for whatever messed up reasoning they have in their minds. So, they try and have a "straight" lifestyle and end up ruining not only their lives, but the womans life that they marry also.

He IS a homosexual. "Bi" men do not go out and work at getting to be more attractive to other men. Not that I have ever come across, seen, or heard about.

Regardless of who he is, or is not, there is NO reason you should stay in this kind of relationship.
I wont go into the details of what I think about these types of "men", but needless to say, I agree with others on here.....you need a divorce.

You need to get out on your own and live your own life. There are men out there who will love you for you and show you all the respect, love, and passion you want.

I think its a sad and sick thing for anyone to go and screw up someone elses life, because they cannot admit to themselves who they are.

Get out of there. For your own sanity and safety.

[Geminize]

There is little I can say that hasn't already been said well, except to add my own sympathy for you in this situation. I honestly don't know why either of you wants to remain married, but I know life is complicated and you may be holding on to hope that he will change. I give you a lot of credit for confronting your husband, dealing with his needs openly, and trying to shape your marriage to accommodate those needs.

I agree with Bowyn, whether your husband is gay or bi is completely irrelevant. His behavior towards you and your marriage is inexcusable. If you can talk with him about ending your marriage gracefully without triggering abuse from him, I suggest you do. If not, I think it's time to remove yourself physically and prepare for divorce.

I was a closeted bisexual, married to a woman for 20 years. When the internet became accessible in the '90's I made use of it to explore my sexual attraction to men -- just chat rooms and porn, I never cheated sexually. I loved my wife deeply. Since our divorce (for other reasons) I have dated men and women, and I'm out with my family and friends.

I hope you can take care of your own needs, take charge of your life, and get out of this loveless relationship. From your post you seem clear and very strong. Making a life change like this isn't easy. You can do it. I wish you the best possible outcome. There is support for you here if you want it.

[Jovial]

Not much left to say. I know it hurts like hell, but in the long run you will be free and liberated if you move on.

[southbiochem]

choices were a lot different even just a few years ago. there has been a big increase in acceptance and a lot more knowledge out there compared to 5, 10, 20 years ago. So OlderButWiser should be aware part of being Older&Wiser is an ability to rationalize the emotions. Along those lines a truly Older&Wiser situation would be less judgmental.

most important:
both you and your husband should go for full HIV and STD testing 2or3 times a year starting RIGHT NOW. Read up and educate your self what safe sex is all about. Keep in mind the HIV test reflects what your status was 3 months ago or better said it takes 3 months of infection for your body to develop enough antibodies for the test to detect anything. You can get tested for free and the technicians are a great source of information. I would not involve your medical insurance, use the free testing, call your local LGBT center.


-most people today avoid putting a label on peoples sexuality. everyone is different. Calling someone Bi or Gay is only a label. they have a first name and they are an individual.
-where having a best friend in life maybe has put you in the position you are in now you need to consider if this is enough to continue the relationship.
-There are financial considerations too. Get a picture of what your needs are at this point in your life. Maybe professional help for your self to do this but select the professional care giver with extreme caution because again there has been a lot of change in this field even over the last two years. If the care giver dosnt work out as needed move to another quickly.
- Make sure your husband knows what he is doing; which by reading your post he dosnt seem to have a firm handle on it. I think there are too many meds floating around in your relationship and a lot of shame / denial. Only my opinion tho.
-Notice you get lots of "good" advice from gay men who are single. A long term relationship has nothing to do with sex, its the ability to have a reliable best friend in your life. My Irish Setters are more better at forming long term bonds that most older gay men. I feel a 35+ year old gay has experienced too much shame in the closet that they call their life to be part of the wheel in real life. Finding that big gay relationship is very DIFFICULT, just so your husband knows and it is not all that different from what he already has. Professional intervention for your husband may help too so he can make an educated choice. There is NO gay life style these days. Only ignorance. Gay men and women are proud to be them selves; some work on cars, some go the theaters but being gay says they can maintain a same sex relationship better than any other situation.
-once you guys know your feelings talk to your husband and see if you can come to some agreement that is practical and achievable. Going along these lines you avoid a messy divorce where a lot of your money go the the courts not to you two. It might be possible to get one lawyer between you two and you guys handle most of the paperwork.
-The emotions of a divorce are not to be underestimated.

I wish you the best of luck in your decisions you will have to make.

Did you read the part were she has said that the guy has abused her emotionally and physically and regardless if it is with men or women, he has cheated on her?????


most of the advice us single gays are making are pointing to THAT more than the fact that this guy is a self-loathing bastard

And forget about ELISA testing for HIV, PCR is much more accurate, so if it's available.....

[southbiochem]

in YOUR whole life time if you think you will never abuse someone than throw the first stone.

Just go ahead.

first, no matter how afraid I am of coming out, I will never be as selfish to marry a woman and make her miserable...

I'm not prone to hitting women either...whether I can spend my whole life like that, f course I can't say..

but seriously, this woman has put up with too much crap from this guy. Gay or not he's a horrible husband and that's it