Struggling to figure myself and my needs out

[Rareboy]

After reading your reply, I repeat. Counseling. And for both of you. Separately and together.

If you are not seeing a psychotherapist...what kind of counseling are you getting?

You need to get to the bottom of not only your true sexual and emotional nature, but why you are a pathological liar by your own admission.

[ZackT]

Therapist/Counselor. Not a psychiatrist. He explained that most of the time these days, psychiatrists don't see the patient for too long, but let a therapist do the talk-therapy part and then the psychiatrist prescribes any medication since they have the Doctorate to do it.

I'll be trying to call up my insurance to get a psychiatrist set up today, if I can remember. Work has been ultra busy and stressful.

And I don't lie about everything to everyone. But, I have lied about so many things for so long to my wife. It's a trust issue for me. I don't trust her not to get upset by whatever it is I'm lying about, so I'm trying to prevent a fight or a problem. And yes it usually backfires eventually, either cause she finds out on her own or because I tell her, but I just keep doing it.

My best friends, who are men, and my ex-girlfriend, I don't lie to them. I don't fear judgment or a harsh negative reaction (although my best best friend did verbally beat me up when I told him I cheated on my wife, he's the reason I let the guilt in and told her). So maybe that's what it is. But even though I don't lie to my friends, it's not like I tell them absolutely everything either. Told them a lot, but some things I keep private even from them.

[Darius]

Also, having a kid wasn't planned. It just sorta happened. We weren't sure she could even have kids...surprise! Should've done more to prevent it, but here we are.

The last sentence in this paragraph really bothers me. Who says something like that about their child? You would think that your child would be the most important person in your life, but instead you are.

BTW, you never answered my question about what makes you think you won't do the same thing to a man as you have done to your wife. I really don't think a man will make you happy.

[Beaux]

Having been married to a woman for 5 years in my youth, and having had a child with her, I (surprisingly) have very little advice for you except for this: DO NOT go to a "Christian Counselor" or seek to resolve this with talks to her Pastor. Go see a REAL, BOARD CERTIFIED counseler for help and you stand a chance (be it ever so small) of coming out of this without losing you ability to be in your child's life and hopefully able to continue a HEALTHY relationship with the woman you married.
~Beaux

[Borg69]

Having been married to a woman for 5 years in my youth, and having had a child with her, I (surprisingly) have very little advice for you except for this: DO NOT go to a "Christian Counselor" or seek to resolve this with talks to her Pastor. Go see a REAL, BOARD CERTIFIED counseler for help and you stand a chance (be it ever so small) of coming out of this without losing you ability to be in your child's life and hopefully able to continue a HEALTHY relationship with the woman you married.
~Beaux

I agree. ^^^ I too could have easily ended up in the OP's shoes. Many of the guys I dated in my younger years were in the OP's shoes - divorced, children, coming out later in life as their gay biology finally wins out over their straight programming...

I don't think you're doing your wife any favors by lying and trying to stick it out. I think you should come clean with her. TOTAL honesty... about EVERYTHING. Let her decide for herself what's best for her.

I also agree that seeing a pastor/religious counselor is just going to set you back farther in your self discovery and prolong the inevitable.

[ZackT]

The last sentence in this paragraph really bothers me. Who says something like that about their child? You would think that your child would be the most important person in your life, but instead you are.

BTW, you never answered my question about what makes you think you won't do the same thing to a man as you have done to your wife. I really don't think a man will make you happy.

Sorry, wasn't trying to ignore questions, just was short on time.

First, I don't believe it's wrong to say my son was a surprise and unplanned. It's the truth. Doesn't mean I don't love him, and that's absurd to take it that way. My parents told me I wasn't planned, but I know they love me very much. I'm stating a fact that this would be simpler if we hadn't had him, but I should clarify that I am very happy he's here. He's a wonderful baby and he brings me so much joy it's ridiculous.

I don't know why I wouldn't treat a man the way I treat women. I believe I might not, because I feel like the relationship dynamic would be different and I wouldn't be placing myself in the same role. With a man, I'm the submissive one, the one more aiming to please. Not that I don't have my own selfish or alone tendencies, but I also feel like I could build a good foundation from the ground up. I have felt for a long time (well before cheating) that my wife and I's relationship has been broken in a few ways and neither one of us seem to be able to repair and move on...old wounds constantly coming back even when it's not really the situation, it's just that the situation reminds her of an old wound and that's all it takes.

I should point out, the pastor is of a more progressive church. I told him the issue when we saw him, and his focus wasn't on sleeping with another man, it was on the fact that I cheated. Hasn't been anything negative about the gay-aspect of that at all.

[ShiftyNJ]

I should point out, the pastor is of a more progressive church. I told him the issue when we saw him, and his focus wasn't on sleeping with another man, it was on the fact that I cheated. Hasn't been anything negative about the gay-aspect of that at all.

That was going to be my caveat here... given that a good percentage of the congregations in my church do same-gender weddings, the clergy are expecting to provide pastoral care to folks regardless of orientation. I would just make sure you understand the qualifications of anybody from whom you are taking advice. Being religious doesn't make them wrong, but it doesn't make them right either.

[ZackT]

Right.

I got my psychiatrist appointment set for the 23rd. Wish it was sooner, but at least it's there.

Butts.

[Virge]

[MENTION=14089]ZackT[/MENTION] I'm in a relationship with a psychologist who has talked to me in broad terms about relationship problems he has encountered with clients.

About cheating from his perspective, it does more damage to the person who cheats than the one being cheated on and your words show it by the way you're talking about yourself. Once you start beating yourself up for cheating it becomes an unending cycle that erodes all your self respect and pride. I'm not trying to excuse what you've done because I really think cheating is wrong. What I'm saying is until you find ways to stop digging the hole you're already in you're going to keep on digging it deeper until the relationship between you and your wife turns into a total disaster with little or no hope of coming out of it with friendly feelings for each other.

The type of counselor/therapist you pick is very important and a psychiatrist isn't the right choice.

Most Clinical Social Work/Therapists with LCSW, LPC, NCC after their names are using abbreviations of their licenses or certifications to sound impressive. They've been through 4 years of college.

Marriage & Family Therapists (LMFT) are tricky. A lot of them are religiously oriented which is often a conflict with good psychological counseling. Some universities now are giving degrees online in 2 years.

Clinical Social Work/Therapists (LCSW) are a good choice but you should find out about them before you see one. A masters degree or higher with thousands of hours in clinical practice are required

Psychologists (PhD or PsyD) are the best choice and even though it may sound backwards, try to find one under 40 or 45 because the older ones are usually not as enthusiastic about their work or up to date on newer trends in therapies. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has really been going through a transformation that has many psychologists working with clients not only in counseling to improve the quality of their lives but also diet, exercise, social activities and other things that have real influences on a client's mental state.

On your profile you say you're from Tulsa area. I pulled up a list of mental health professionals in that are. Look at it and if you like, reply back and I'll get my guy to go over it and make suggestions.

http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rm...esults.php

[Virge]

I guess I should have posted my comment above way earlier. hahahaha!

Hope things go well Zack