Struggling to figure myself and my needs out

[ShiftyNJ]

I disagree, but that's nice of you to say.

Your feelings and desires are not your fault; you didn't choose them. But you own the responsibility for your actions, and the order in which they occurred, which it sounds like you understand and are doing.

I think the point others have tried to make is that you should not let remorse become an albatross that prevents what needs to happen next. Every day is a new chance to begin again on a better course, more honest with yourself and those in your life.

[ZackT]

What you're saying makes sense in my head, but letting go of the guilt and negativity is not something I am ready to do yet. I wish I could just feel fine, but when I wish that, I feel worse for wanting to feel better. What a cycle.

This causes me to not want to eat, not want affection, and that 2nd one really hurts my wife because she views it as me punishing Her. I've explained its not about being upset with her because I'm not, but I understand that she suffers all the same. That makes me feel worse too, and so it's even harder to try and snap out of it, when all I want to do is to be alone so no one else is hurt by me. But that's not something I can feasibly have, so I hurt her by not wanting to hurt her.

[Darius]

If nothing else good comes from this thread, I hope it opens the eyes of other men who are not honest about who they are and NOT to get innocent people involved in their lies. Lives are ruined by lies.

[ZackT]

Yea, learn from my mistakes if they'll help someone.



I meant to address this earlier, but lots has already been said and so it got missed until I re-read the thread.

This will make me sound worse, but it sortve clarifies some things.

I got engaged to my wife in November of 2012 because I thought it'd improve things. I've been feeling off and on for a very long time - some stretches of time are better than others, but the doubt and the not-so-good times never go away. I thought engaging would maybe improve that?

Then we found out she was pregnant in September of 2013, and we talked about it a good deal, ultimately decided to get married in March. Son was born in May. He wasn't planned, but we weren't really doing anything to prevent a pregnancy either. We had an early miscarriage back in 2012 or so and weren't sure she could successfully carry or even easily get pregnant. Dumb on both our parts, but we have a beautiful healthy happy baby boy who's gonna be a massive guy when he grows up (he's so fucking big. I don't mean chubby, I mean tall. He's 8 months old and looks like a toddler)



The whole, "am I really meant to be gay?" Question is throwing me for a loop. I'm sexually attracted to women, that's the type of porn I'd usually look at. But when I think of actually having sex in real life, and just being with someone, it's with a man. It's really damn confusing.

This type of decision is hard. I'm sure it's hard for everyone, but I'm trying to figure out what I want and need and I'm scared that I'll make the wrong choice. If I choose men and a new life, what if I realize I was wrong and wanted what I used to have? Flip side, what if I stay with my wife and these doubts and feelings never go away?

It is quite frustrating.

[ZackT]

Why can't I edit my post now

I wanted to edit that I realized that when I'm looking at porn of women, I really am trying to fantasize me in their place. They're still sexy, but it's more exciting to imagine me in their position. Even when looking at lesbians. Lol. Sometimes I wish I was a woman just for that reason, but not seriously. I'm happy being a man. More focused on just being the pleaser, the receiver/taker, whatever. I never really thought about this consciously before now.

[ZackT]

Sorry to reply to myself, but I figured I'd contain my stuff to one thread since it all relates.


I told my wife last night that I'm gay. It was hard, but she took it much better than expected. It wasn't really a total surprise for her, and now we're working out life details on how everything's gonna work. For the next 6 months most likely, she'll be in town due to apartment lease unless something else works out. So there's that I'll be moving out, just not sure when and if I'll be with a friend or by myself.

The next hard parts is coming out to people who need to know. Won't be so hard for my brother in law and sister, already told them I was Bi. But my mom and dad don't know, and I don't know how they'll take that news ESPECIALLY since I'm ending my marriage on top of that.

[Beaux]

Why can't I edit my post now

I wanted to edit that I realized that when I'm looking at porn of women, I really am trying to fantasize me in their place. They're still sexy, but it's more exciting to imagine me in their position. Even when looking at lesbians. Lol. Sometimes I wish I was a woman just for that reason, but not seriously. I'm happy being a man. More focused on just being the pleaser, the receiver/taker, whatever. I never really thought about this consciously before now.

It isn't confusing to me. Reading the above, I now have absolutely no doubt that you are in fact Gay. The hardest part about coming out is admitting it to yourself.
~Beaux

[ZackT]

Admitted. Felt better than I have in ages.