Is this true of gay relationships?

[InbetweenDreams]

[MENTION=23210]dimondd[/MENTION] So you cheated on your exes because you lost interest? I'm not hounding you or anything, really because I don't see the point in cheating alone, I do believe in getting out of something that isn't working. I don't know what it is like to be too comfortable in a relationship...maybe it just wasn't going to work whether you cheated or not? Mostly curious is all.

[dimondd]

[MENTION=23210]dimondd[/MENTION] So you cheated on your exes because you lost interest? I'm not hounding you or anything, really because I don't see the point in cheating alone, I do believe in getting out of something that isn't working. I don't know what it is like to be too comfortable in a relationship...maybe it just wasn't going to work whether you cheated or not? Mostly curious is all.

Hey Alex.

No worries. Ask away!! Yes I cheated on a few of my exes because of lost interests. Many things really from just not being compatible in the bedroom, from low sex drive to not being allowed to top.

One example of being too comfortable is I once dated an actor who was out of work alot. We lived together and it was ok for a bit but i was tired of him not doing anything around the house while not working. When I got home, he would be sitting on his laptop (xtube) watching videos while the kitchen is a mess. Then after me cooking dinner and all that i was refused sex for 'being too tired'! Tired from wanking! That's an example of being too comfortable. And so at that moment i was looking for someone to sleep with.

I did not truly love him so it was easy. When you cant stand to see your man eat and sleep then its time to get out. I dragged my heals but i suspected he knew i was cheating but did not say a word! I have told my current partner about everything and he trusts me. So moving on, i would end it with him before cheating. I've grown up this year to be honest. I believe my current relationship will work because we both want the same things and that is very very important.

[InbetweenDreams]

[MENTION=23210]dimondd[/MENTION] Well sounds like there were some fundamental issues with those guys from the sounds of it. I mean there has to be some level of sexual compatibility...I'd say two tops wouldn't work and probably two bottoms wouldn't fair well either.


I think your example of being too comfortable sounds like they were showing their true colors...being a lazy turd. So I think the issues were the guys not being right for you and some guys just aren't going to work out with anyone without working on themselves first. I mean I have a few lazy bones in me but I can't stand messes...

[LJay]

First of all, it would behoove us to set up an insurance company that provides prepaid treatment for STDs so that worry will be out of the way.

Secondly, I am beginning to think that since it is now legal in the US, marriage should be defined as a monogamous relationship for guys and non-marriage should be defined as wide open.

There is too much fence hopping here. Let's admit it.

[Pacific]

First of all, it would behoove us to set up an insurance company that provides prepaid treatment for STDs so that worry will be out of the way.

Secondly, I am beginning to think that since it is now legal in the US, marriage should be defined as a monogamous relationship for guys and non-marriage should be defined as wide open.

There is too much fence hopping here. Let's admit it.

I do not have an issue with open relationships/open marriages. I do not view an open relationship better or worse than a closed one just as a closed relationship is not better or worse than an open one. What does matter is honesty about what is desired to be happiest. I think everyone, straight and gay couples, should be able to define the terms of their marriage or relationship so it works for them and they are truly happy and living to their fullest potential, as a unit and individually. I am at a point where I really disagree with the notion that gays need to conform to the hetero norms in order to be respected within society. There are plenty of heterosexually paired people who cheat and wreak havoc through deceit and deception within their relationships because of compulsory monogamy; gay men are at least are more likely within their relationships to express their need for some sort of sexually open arrangement as a "need" in addition to the primary relationship--and to me, that honesty is more valued than someone being miserable trying to be monogamous when they know they truly do not want to be, and probably will end up cheating.

Just looking at the heterosexual divorce rates and relationship issues, it's quite apparent the marriage model needs to be reconsidered; and that was kind of the impetus behind me creating this thread--asking what is a reasonable expectation...

[InbetweenDreams]

I do not have an issue with open relationships/open marriages. I do not view an open relationship better or worse than a closed one just as a closed relationship is not better or worse than an open one. What does matter is honesty about what is desired to be happiest. I think everyone, straight and gay couples, should be able to define the terms of their marriage or relationship so it works for them and they are truly happy and living to their fullest potential, as a unit and individually. I am at a point where I really disagree with the notion that gays need to conform to the hetero norms in order to be respected within society. There are plenty of heterosexually paired people who cheat and wreak havoc through deceit and deception within their relationships because of compulsory monogamy; gay men are at least are more likely within their relationships to express their need for some sort of sexually open arrangement as a "need" in addition to the primary relationship--and to me, that honesty is more valued than someone being miserable trying to be monogamous when they know they truly do not want to be, and probably will end up cheating.

Just looking at the heterosexual divorce rates and relationship issues, it's quite apparent the marriage model needs to be reconsidered; and that was kind of the impetus behind me creating this thread--asking what is a reasonable expectation...

I do feel that gay couples differ greatly from straight couples. I mean don't get me wrong there are plenty of similarities. I did some reading/watching on the subject on monogamy and for us guys it is far easier for us to just go out and get a hookup and leave it purely sexual.

It isn't my preference to have an open relationship but who knows my opinion may change after being with someone for 20 years. However, I have to think to myself, how important is it to have sex... I mean I don't have sex now...and I mean any kind of encounter. So for myself I don't see it being so important to hook up with a hit guy just for the physical contact. One quote I'll steal is from a gay couple on YouTube (Gay Family Values), "sex is what we do, not who we are." I think that's a good way to look at it.

Sex for me, while I'm sure I enjoy it as much as anyone else just isn't important enough to myself to want to pursue an open relationship, but it might to someone else and it's not a bad thing imo. Bottom line is, as you said, as long as everyone is happy. I think the only pitfall would be for someone to become emotionally attached to someone they're sleeping with in an open relationship.

Honestly, the last couple of months, being here on GS has been a pretty good eye opener. Not saying my thoughts on different subjects were totally wrong but has helped me understand things better and that there isn't a right one answer to things. I still have my thoughts and principles on the subject...it probably isn't for me.

So I can see where open relationships can be a good thing or it can be a bad thing... I don't think there is a right answer. I know a couple who have been together for over 20 years and are in an open relationship...and they're getting married (I think) next month. So I think it can work for some people.

As far as the morality aspect to open relationships. It's a matter of personal taste and I think as far as the couple in an open relationship I think it would be immoral if, as stated above, someone gets emotionally attached to another guy they're sleeping with and decides, hey, I like this guy better than you see ya.

Here's the video I watched on the subject... Most of the video deals with their experience with cheating and the subject of monogamy...and these guys adopted two kids.

[Anonymous]

Wondering what the room thinks about "emotional cheating"?

My partner is great (very stable, which I am not) and I have no desire to pursue sex outside the relationship, but he is very guarded with his emotions and a lot of things make him uncomfortable. A few years ago I found myself drawn into a ... something? with a guy who is publicly straight, but aggressively pursued a friendship with me that led to a lot of mutual soul-baring. We had amazing conversations of a type I find myself struggling to have with my other half. We talked about things that our spouses (he is married) would probably find disturbing, and it was a relief to find common ground on a lot of things.

It did not last, for other reasons, but years later i still find myself missing those talks and feeling vaguely guilty for knowing I'd probably do it again given the opportunity. When your partner doesn't make himself emotionally available to you, it's hard to resist when someone else does.

[MikeW]

Wondering what the room thinks about "emotional cheating"?

My partner is great (very stable, which I am not) and I have no desire to pursue sex outside the relationship, but he is very guarded with his emotions and a lot of things make him uncomfortable. A few years ago I found myself drawn into a ... something? with a guy who is publicly straight, but aggressively pursued a friendship with me that led to a lot of mutual soul-baring. We had amazing conversations of a type I find myself struggling to have with my other half. We talked about things that our spouses (he is married) would probably find disturbing, and it was a relief to find common ground on a lot of things.

It did not last, for other reasons, but years later i still find myself missing those talks and feeling vaguely guilty for knowing I'd probably do it again given the opportunity. When your partner doesn't make himself emotionally available to you, it's hard to resist when someone else does.

First question I'd ask you: Is the guilt you're referring to coming from feeling that, by having these intimate conversations with someone other than your partner, you were "cheating" on him?

I can understand having those feelings but personally I don't see it that way. IF he is unwilling or unable to engage with you about those subjects AND you have a need to discuss them with someone (which it seems you do, as you say you miss having them)... well that says to me this is a NEED that you have your partner can't meet.

We seem to have the idea that our partners/husbands should meet ALL of our needs. Well, maybe they can, maybe they can't. But what do we do when they can't? Go without? How does "going without" affect us? How does it affect our relationship?

In this case, Mr. Sack Face, I'd say you weren't cheating. Although this relationship was "intimate" it was not a threat to your primary relationship. At least not that you've indicated.

Everybody needs to forgive themselves for their sins. We're all guilty of something but, damn, just let it go... learn to accept that we have these needs. So long as we aren't hurting ourselves or anyone else, what's the problem?

[meridannight]

emotional closeness itself does not exactly violate the fidelity in a relationship. you need physical attraction and even then you're not quite there. as long as you feel committed to your partner, there shouldn't be a problem forming new friendships/relationships with other men. but if, in the course of doing so, you start distancing from your partner, then you have a problem.

this might not be specific to your case, though. with him being emotionally distant to begin with (?). this is just a general outline of what i think of emotional attachment.

[Anonymous]

I guess that is it... it feels like a failing of some sort that an intimacy like this would be with someone other than him. The other guy also fueled this feeling by wanting me to conceal the amount of time we spent together. I think in his (very hetero-normative) world it was "wrong" for a guy to be this close to another guy, even though he was the one who initiated it.

First question I'd ask you: Is the guilt you're referring to coming from feeling that, by having these intimate conversations with someone other than your partner, you were "cheating" on him?

I can understand having those feelings but personally I don't see it that way. IF he is unwilling or unable to engage with you about those subjects AND you have a need to discuss them with someone (which it seems you do, as you say you miss having them)... well that says to me this is a NEED that you have your partner can't meet.

We seem to have the idea that our partners/husbands should meet ALL of our needs. Well, maybe they can, maybe they can't. But what do we do when they can't? Go without? How does "going without" affect us? How does it affect our relationship?

In this case, Mr. Sack Face, I'd say you weren't cheating. Although this relationship was "intimate" it was not a threat to your primary relationship. At least not that you've indicated.

Everybody needs to forgive themselves for their sins. We're all guilty of something but, damn, just let it go... learn to accept that we have these needs. So long as we aren't hurting ourselves or anyone else, what's the problem?